4th update of the day! Isn't this exciting?

When I'm feeling crappy for no good reason, there are a couple of ways to handle it. Some of these are to write a lot, cry, or listen to loud, angry music... All aim towards the achievement of catharsis. Well, I tried the writing, and I don't want to cry. So loud, angry music it is. Until someone tells me to turn it down... But since my roommate isn't here right now, and no one else on the hall seems to care, I don't really have worry about it that much.

So... Catharsis, you can show up any time now.

I'm in McCabe right now, killing time between dinner and going to Target... Yay for Target, where I shall buy snacks and random other things. Woohoo.

I felt better at dinner for a bit, because I was distracted with a discussion. But as soon as I left the table and started to walk outside, I returned to my sort of glum state.

Overall, today has been sort of lousy. I slept late, but I still don't feel well-rested. I haven't gotten much of anything done. I've felt blah, and I've also felt like crying on and off all day for no particular reason. I don't know what the heck is going on... I feel lethargic and a bit alone and such. But at the same time, I know there are lots of people who care about me, so I feel stupid for feeling this way.

It reminds me of 9th grade a bit... Only a bit muted, because in 9th grade I actually did cry on and off all day instead of just feeling like doing so. Muted or not, it's not fun. I want it to stop, because there's no good reason for it - my life is fine right now, better than fine actually.

So what the hell is my problem?

Or... I suppose I should rephrase it... Why is this problem reemerging at this particular time?

Decided against going to Medea. I don't think anything could beat the reading of it that Colleen and I did in Steak 'n Shake anyway.

I'm not too happy at the moment. The worse part is I don't know why. There's nothing wrong that I can actually pinpoint, so I just feel kind of forlorn without being able to actually do anything about it. That's the worst kind of bad mood, when you can't think of anything to do to make it better. And then, to make it worse, people are trying to cheer me up, and it's not working... They're asking if there's anything they can do, and I can't think of anything... So then I feel bad that the people I care about feel bad that they can't help. Damn vicious cycle. Grr.

A terrible thought has moved into my mind,
Like an unwanted roommate drunk on wine.
It feeds on my happiness, won't pay the rent...
I must take proper measures to evict it.

A terrible thought has moved into my mind,
A giant rat that's nibbling on my pride.
It's tearing away my patience and my wit...
I must take proper measures, set a trap for it.

What a terrible thought...

I don't care what you've done,
I don't care who you've won,
I know in the end you'll have your fun...

But you can't have it here,
And I won't let you steer...
You know I don't want you in my mind.

What a terrible thought...
What a terrible, terrible thought.

I must stay calm, you know, and I must be clear...
It's gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear.
A train like that can travel a soul for years...
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career.

What a terrible thought...

What minds have you shredded?
I bet they regretted
Having ever thought you up.
Just look at you shine,
Commiting your crimes...
I know I don't want you in my mind

'Cause you're breaking my stride.
You poisonous vine...
You're strangling me inside...
You're breaking my stride.
You poisonous vine...
You're strangling me inside...
You're breaking my stride.

What a terrible thought...
What a terrible, terrible thought...

Poe, "Terrible Thought"

I was planning on watching the student-directed performance of Medea, but I woke up late, so I don't know if I'll go or not now. Hmm.

The extra sleep was nice, though. Sleep is always nice. And talking is good, even if you wish it wasn't neccessary. Because there really is no such thing as a picture-perfect, fairy-tale life. Issues come up, and then you can choose to resolve them or ignore them until they become problems. I don't know if anything was resolved, but at the very least the subject was broached and the issue was talked about.

Oh yeah... Claudia has moved house again. She's at Sharkey's Days now, instead of Mobius Strip Mall. Her blog is under the "What's Happening" link.

Playlist from this week's radio show...

*Death Cab for Cutie: Title and Registration
The Pixies: Where is My Mind?
^(International) Noise Conspiracy: Smash It Up
*The Fiery Furnaces: The South is Only a Home
^Hey Mercedes: The Switch
^The Junior Varsity: Housefire
*Pretty Girls Make Graves: All Medicated Geniuses
^Koufax: Come Back to Life
^Ozma: Natalie
*The New Pornographers: From Blown Speakers
^My Chemical Romance: Vampires Will Never Hurt You
*Fugazi: Fell, Destroyed
Poe: Junkie
^Grandaddy: AM 180
*The Clientele: When You and I Were Young
^Something Corporate: Space
^Taking Back Sunday: Your Own Disaster

This week's show was interesting. I've gotten attached to my MP3s, so I brought my laptop with me. After a brief struggle, I got the soundboard and my laptop to play nice, and much musicy goodness ensued. Whee! Oh yeah... '*', as always, indicates a track off a playlist CD... This week, '^' means it was an MP3. Because I like giving you more information than you care about.

Not much else is going on here... It's the weekend, yay! I went out to dinner last night (Steak that actually needs a steak knife to cut it, as opposed to the stuff at Sharples -- Mmmm!), watched a movie, and just had a good time in general.

It's a bit warmer today, but it's definately gotten colder here. I've had to break out the nice warm coat, and even have to wear the scarf and gloves every once in awhile... And I'm pretty sure that my flip-flop wearing days are over for a few months. Which is probably a good thing, considering they've been worn so much that they're about to have holes in the heels.

My English teacher was pretty cool about the late paper issue. He said next time I need an extension, make sure I ask further in advance, but he let me off the hook this time. And there won't be a next time, because I felt so guilt-ridden about this whole thing that I don't think I'll be able to procrastinate too badly for awhile.

Speaking of procrastination... I should probably go read philosophy or do something vaugely productive.

Things are better again. I had fun at aikido, and I finished my paper tonight. It feels like I'm back at WFC again, since the title of my paper was De Profundis: A Realization of Identity. That's right, identity, the theme of Writing for College. At least I didn't use the word liminal.

It's officially been one month. La!

Things are not too good at the moment. For one, my English paper is late. Yeah. I'm turning something in late. I don't know what happened. Actually... I do. I didn't start early enough. This probably wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't started to drift away from my thesis and rethink things... Basically, a half hour before it was due, I realized I had completely changed my focus of the paper, but I liked the new ideas... So I had to rewrite it. I sent an email to my prof saying that, but I haven't heard back. Which is scary, because while he's a cool guy and may not have a huge problem with this whole thing, I'm worried he will and he'll get mad and such. Eek.

So, because of that worry, I stayed up last night until my brain basically ceased to function. It had been my goal to get the paper done before I went to bed, but that wasn't going to work. So I crashed. And then I overslept. Luckily, I allow for more time in the morning than I actually need... So I just moved super-fast and was okay. But then I learned that the shuttles weren't running for some reason, so I had to dash up to campus in the rain. I made it to class on time... And then struggled to stay awake through the lecture. The sad part is that I was more awake in history today than in philosophy. That's just wrong.

I returned to the dorm after lunch and attempted to work on my late paper. Eventually I gave up and crawled into bed. That was, at latest, around 1 in the afternoon. I just recently woke up. My whole afternoon is gone. And I have aikido tonight, which I really shouldn't skip, and there's also a hall thing going on tonight that I don't want to skip. I'll probably go to aikido, then skip the hall thing to work.

God. This really sucks. I feel incredibly guilty and horrible about all of this.

Quizzy goodness...


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am so unfocused right now... It's quite sad. *shakes head* Focus. English paper, Oscar Wilde, De Profundis... Must stop letting mind wander. But to paraphrase Crutchy in Newsies, my mind has a mind of its own.

Yes, I did indeed just make a reference to Newsies. I think that may show just how out of it I am right now. Hmm. Singing, dancing, attractive guys. *pauses* Dammit. Now I'm even more unfocused. Gah.

My mom is so cool. I got a package from her today... A Halloween present of a beautiful, medieval-style, white dress and a nice long, black cape. Both are velvety, and when I tried them on I just felt so damn pretty. Whee!

Okay, it seems that something is messed up with my commenting system. When I go into SquawkBox and click on the "Manage Comments" link, it shows me all the comments people have made. So there are two comments on there -- a new one from Jonathan and one from a few days ago from Colleen -- that made it into that section of SquawkBox but don't seem to be appearing on my blog. This is not cool. Yet Claudia's comment, which was made after Colleen's but before Jonathan's, did show up. Grr. So it's not even consistently screwing up.

So... Colleen, I don't know which post you were commenting on. Very sorry, don't mean to ignore you, etc.
Jonathan, I must say I was initially a bit wary of the idea of a love song to Natalie Portman (though I do like her)... But I was completely won over by the song.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand... If anyone has any ideas about why the hell the comments aren't showing up, please let me know. Hopefully I'll actually be able to read them, if you give them to me via the commenting system. Gah.

Maybe it's just my computer... It hasn't wanted to display my blog in general lately. Even so, that would also be really annoying. Rar.

A lot of the guys are coming back from break with haircuts. For most, it's noticeable but not earth-shattering. Then there's the guy from across the hall. Last time I saw him, he had poofy, curly hair... Now it's basically all gone. Short, no curls. Everyone on the hall has had the same reaction: "Jesse? Is that you?" It doesn't look bad... Just really, really different.

I'm listening to a song called "Natalie" by Ozma... I swear, it sounds like a long-lost track off of Pinkerton. Freaky. Also pretty damn good.

I'm remembering just how much I love reading poetry. Last year in AP Lit I had a great time with the confessional poetry we read in the war and peace section... I really liked reading and analyzing the poems and writing the close readings for them. I did something similar last night while I was preparing for my online discussion of Sylvia Plath's and Anne Sexton's poems... And I loved it. I enjoy reading books, and I usually don't mind writing papers about them. But poetry... Poetry I love, especially when it's stuff like Plath and Sexton. I don't really care about rhyme schemes and meter... But emotion and thought are very important to me. And that's what I get out of the poetry that I really like.

He out-did his out-doing of his sweetness. I honestly didn't think that was possible... Apparently it is.

I thought he couldn't be any more wonderful or get any sweeter. He just proved me wrong. I feel like maybe I'm dreaming... If I am, I don't ever want to wake up.

People are coming back from break now, trickling in a few at a time, and life at ML is starting to return to normal. I still don't feel normal, though.

I don't know what it is. But these past few days, I have just not felt like talking as much. I haven't felt as social. I don't want to deal with all the people and all the noise. I just want to withdraw and zone out, just listen to music and maybe read some. I don't want to have to think, and I don't even want to feel right now. I just want to exist right now, and let the world carry on around me without me really participating in it. I don't even care enough to observe right now. I just want to tuck myself away, distance myself from everything and everyone.

Or almost everyone, anyway. The one person I want to talk to right now, the one person I actually want to be with right now, isn't here. And that just makes being around other people that much harder, I think. Because while I love all my friends, there is a difference between hanging out with them and hanging out with him. That's obvious, I know. As soon as you add the prefix "boy-" onto it, the meaning of the word friend is changed at least slightly. But I don't think I ever really thought about that all that much until now.

Maybe I'm attributing my desire to withdraw to the wrong thing, though. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with him being here or not. I can't really tell. If this was a psychological experiment, it would be very poorly designed. There are too many variables to figure out what exactly is causing what. So I can speculate all I want, but I can't be sure of anything.

Maybe I'm just making up for the time I've been here... The time that I've spent being more social than I ever was back home. Back home I could retreat to my house, my room. But here my house is my dorm, which is a social scene in and of itself. And even my room has a social aspect to it, since I have a roommate. So there's very little true solitude to be found here, which is something that's a bit unusual for me considering how much time I used to spend in my room.

I think it's probably a combination of the two things... Missing him and just a need for the true solitude that always used to be available to me. It seems odd that these two things would be combined... How can you combine missing someone with wanting to be alone? Maybe if he was here I wouldn't feel the need for solitude. Or maybe I would still want to be alone and I'd end up pushing him away for awhile. I'm more inclined to believe it's the former. I've been checking my email too much for it to be the latter, I think.

And that bugs me... The checking of email. Not the act itself, but the tinge of dependence that I'm starting to associate with it. Maybe dependence is the wrong word... I think it is. I don't need an email from him. But I want one. So I guess it's more like a strong attachment than a dependence. I think I got spoiled by the beginning of break, when he was sending them more often. I began to expect them, and now they're not really coming, or at least not at the rate they used to. And yes, that does make me a bit sad. And I hate that fact. I'm fine with being attached to the person. Being attached to receiving emails, however, is not a good thing. Because what that really means is that I want constant assurance and verification. And I think that that may be true, but I really wish it wasn't.

Actually... Who am I kidding? I basically know that I need to be reassured a great deal. Otherwise I start doubting and worrying. I always doubt myself... I always worry. At times, I seem to have trouble accepting the idea that I'm a person worth caring for or loving. So when something seems amiss I start fretting over it and concoct all sorts of worst-case scenarios about what could be going on, about why this is happening. I think there's only been one time when what I feared was going on actually was occurring. All the other times I was worried too much or had come up with some awful scenario that was not true at all. Despite this, I continue to worry. I know all the evidence tells me that it's stupid. I know it's stupid. But I can't stop myself. The doubt creeps in, sneaks into the back of my mind, and sets up camp there. From there it spreads it's little worrisome tendrils out into my thoughts, plaguing me until I can think of nothing else or actually confront it in some way.

I really wish I wasn't like this. I wish I knew a way to make it stop. I wish I could accept things as they are and not want constant reassurance. Maybe that's why I like those little things so much... They're like tiny reminders that yes, I am cared for... They're tiny deterrents against the ever-lurking fear of rejection. Every little compliment, every little note, every favor done without asking... They're all reassurances strengthing my confidence, making me feel a little bit better about myself, about the situation, about life.

Maybe it would be better if I didn't need the little things, if I was sure enough of myself that I'd be fine without them. But I'm not that sure. So I accept them with open arms and I hope that they keep coming.

I downloaded about 70 songs today. Wow.

Woohoo! I just finished one of my history reading assignments. Now I just have the secondary sources. Ha - just the secondary sources. That's a good 120 pages, and I should probably take notes too. Gah. Ah well... The primary sources are the really important part of that class, and I'm basically caught up on those. Yay.

I've downloaded a ton of music today... It makes me very happy. La!

My Swatmail inbox is disturbingly empty. I'm almost starting to miss the reserved students emails. But then I remember I only want the information from 1 out of every 7 of them and realize I don't really miss them after all. And they'll be back in full force on Monday anyway, I'm sure.

Got an email from my older brother. He's going to call me tomorrow. I feel loved.
It's really nice that since my brothers went off to college we actually get along rather well. They're both very cool people, and I enjoy talking to them.

I really need to do something productive now... And I really don't want to. I guess I'll do laundry. It's productive, yet doesn't require much effort. Good stuff.

I should be being productive, but I'm not... At least not in the way I should be. I should be working on my English paper or reading history or something like that. Instead I'm sitting on my computer and downloading music. Hey, at least when I do start working on my paper I'll have a lot of good music to listen to.

Things making me happy at the moment:

1) Solitude. Right now it's just me in my room, which is nice because it hasn't happened for awhile. And every once in awhile, you just need to be alone.
2) Sylvia Plath. Just read three poems for English class (one of which was Daddy, which I really like)... I'll also be reading some Anne Sexton.
3) Weezer news: The guys will at some point be releasing a deluxe edition of the Blue Album with B-sides on it and interesting liner notes and such. That will rock.

There are some other things too, but those are the big ones. Whee.

I knew my worries were completely irrational. But it's always nice to be sure.

I just spent way too much time looking at various desktop backgrounds and other random artwork online. Oh well, it's not like I have to get up early tomorrow. And I was getting tired of Stonehenge.

For some reason, worry is creeping up on me. Just this doubt that I know is completely irrational but still there. But I'm not going to let it lurk in the back of my mind. Nope. Not this time. This time I'm confronting it and getting it out in the open.

Eep. Confrontation is scary.

Back at Swarthmore... It took longer than I had planned (damn you delays!), but I made it home in one piece. Whee. The rest of my break is laid before me, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. I have work I need to do, but I also just want to sleep and go explore the Crum Woods and such.

Perhaps a week off is a bit much... I can feel myself getting lazy. God. Imagine what it's going to be like after winter break...

I feel like the Hallelujah Chorus should be playing right now. I'm finally caught up with all my email. All of it. I feel so very proud - this is the first time since I arrived to Swat that I haven't had any emails I had to respond to. It's really cool.

Saw Underworld last night. It was pretty good. I wish I could have most of the movie's wardrobe. I don't think I could ever be goth, and I don't think I'd ever really want to be... But some of the clothes are just so damn cool and sexy.

I'm heading back to Swat tomorrow. I've had fun here, but it'll also be nice to go back home (because ML feels like home now).

I'm at Bard right now. Whee! They're on fall break, so there's not a ton to do, but I'm still having fun. We've watched a number of movies and played some pool and such. The campus is pretty... I'm kicking myself for not remembering my camera. Oh well.

We're going to go see Underworld tonight. As Claudia said, "Vampires vs. werewolves -- What could be cooler?"

I'm catching up on my sleep, and my body definately appreciates it. Yay!

Fall break has officially begun. Woohoo! It feels weird, knowing that I don't have class for a week. What makes me weird, though, is that this afternoon, while I was lazing about, I picked up one of my history books and read for a bit. That's right. Friday afternoon, fall break, and I do some work. I'm a strange, strange girl.

Speaking of history... Had my midterm today. Not sure if it went well or not. I'm pretty sure that it didn't go horribly, but there's a lot of grey area between horrible and well. So we shall see.

My radio show went well last night; no major problems or anything. I won't have a show next week... *sniffle* Anyway, here's what I played last night. It was a rather emo-ish show... (Yes, I did indeed just use the word emo-ish).

Belle and Sebastian: Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying
Further Seems Forever: Wearing Thin
*Death Cab for Cutie: The New Year
OK Go: Hello, My Treacherous Friends
Jets to Brazil: Lemon Yellow Black
*The New Pornographers: Miss Teen Wordpower
The Get Up Kids: 10 Minutes
Something Corporate: Fall
*The Kills: Cat Claw
Weezer: Getchoo
Alkaline Trio: Donner Party (All Night)
*Pretty Girls Make Graves: Chemical, Chemical
Jimmy Eat World: Believe in What You Want
Dashboard Confessional: Hands Down
*Grandaddy: El Caminos in the West
Saves the Day: As Your Ghost Takes Flight
Guster: Two Points for Honesty

I have to pack tonight... Because I'm going to see Claudia tomorrow! La!

My plan for the first half of fall break: hang out with Claudia and have fun.
My plan for the second half of fall break: catch up on sleep, history reading, and do some other work.

The first half sounds more fun, but the second half is going to be very useful. I may actually get myself back onto a normal (or at least more normal) sleep cycle... That would be nice. Of course, I'll probably screw it up again as soon as classes start back up. Ah well.

I haven't posted a quiz result for quite some time... So let's do this.


You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

First, an anecdote: Tonight at Sharples I got pasta... Very long line. The scrumptious chocolate pie that was for dessert was in low supply when I got in line; by the time I had my other food they were all gone. I went and sat down, and he had a piece of pie on his tray... That he had gotten for me. He saw they were running low, he knew I was in a long line, he knows my fondness for all things dessert... So he grabbed me a slice. Not at all important, very minor... But at the same time very sweet.

Now, my point: There are all sorts of little things like this, and they're all very sweet and wonderful. And when you combine them with larger nice things, then the end result is a really great relationship.

Finally, the conclusion: All this makes Jen a very happy girl.

Now if only I was caught up on my history reading... Then things would be absolutely wonderful.

I just got back my very first college paper... I did pretty good. Woohoo!

Darn you Squawkbox. It seems that because people actually use my commenting system, they want to charge me for it now. Grr. So I signed up for another account, using I different email address. As Marci said, I "cheated the system." However, due to this, I may have lost all of my earlier comments... I'm not sure. I suppose we shall see.

I finally forced myself out of bed about 30 minutes ago. I've completely missed breakfast and brunch, but I don't care. I feel well rested, and I also feel immensely happy.

I'm feeling something that I don't know exactly how to describe... It's like this warm fuzzy feeling that is at once magnified and subtle... It's spread throughout my entire body and has penetrated my soul. I think you might call it love.

Just got back from the Hunt. It was quite entertaining. There were many more monsters than just the 2 dactyls... There were lots of hobgoblins, some orcs, 3 ninja turtles, a werewolf, a cat, the sphinx, the Jabberwock... Yeah. It was great. Lots of people running around in small groups with foam swords, whapping monsters to win poker chips in order to buy things. If you get hit, you die, so you give up your sword and go back to the line to get a new one. I killed 2 or 3 monsters, and I got killed many times... But all in all, it was a fun 2 hours of amusement... And when I left, it was still going strong. I think it only ends when both dactyls are killed. Which could take awhile. Because the dactyls have guards, as well as water guns that act as murderous venom. Very hard to get close to them.

Of course, the real issue at hand is who thought up of this thing in the first place?! I'm rather curious... It's much more elaborate than I expected, and it's really rather impressively done. Did someone just sitting around at a SWIL meeting a number of years ago just randomly think, "Hey, why don't we run a huge LARP and invite the entire campus?" Actually, that probably is exactly what happened. The really surprising thing is that it's become a tradition and keeps happening year after year and tons of people show up for it.

Last night's radio show was interesting. First of all, the transmitter wasn't functioning, so it was being broadcast solely over the Internet. Yeah... Apparently when the DJ before me came in a bit before 1, the lights were off and everything was off... So she turned stuff on... But the transmitter wouldn't transmit.

Despite this, we both did our shows, as did Chase. We just had a very limited number of listeners... I myself had at most 3, and halfway through my show, 2 of them came to the studio. So the last half of my show was all for Alex. I hope he enjoyed it.

Even if there hadn't been any technical difficulties, it would have still been an interesting show, I think. I was really tired when I got there, so I tried to wake myself up with loud, fast music... So I started off with some Finch and NIN... After a little while I had some Fugazi and Bad Religion and Operation Ivy... But I eventually gave into my sleepy side and ended with Belle and Sebastian. So... Odd mix of music, indeed. Unfortunately, I forgot to copy down the set list, so I don't remember all the songs I played. Ah well.

The SWIL Pterodactyl Hunt is tonight. This should be quite an interesting experience... I really have no idea what to expect. Wait, that's not quite true. I know to expect foam swords and various people running around smacking each other with them. Other than that, though...

My trip to Bard over fall break is starting to take shape. Woohoo!

It appears that my body has no idea how to cope with 8 hours of sleep.

I was more out of it today than I have been in a long time... Instead of feeling like I was going to doze off in history, I actually DID doze off a few times. I was a little better in philosophy, and the theological discussion that somewhat ensued got me pretty energetic... (Lesson: Jen needs to engage in a theological discussion every morning in order to be fully awake for class). That energy lasted through lunch. After lunch I made some progress in reading, but then I got tired again... And in my psych attachment, I was practically falling asleep until we started talking about some things... So yeah. So much for getting more sleep. I doubled the time I slept, and I had half the energy, it seems. I just can't win.

On the up side... Study break tonight! This week, the girls in the fishbowl are showing a movie... But I'm a Cheerleader. So I'll finally get a chance to see it, Claudia.

I'm going to bed soon. This will be the earliest I've gone to bed in quite some time... Am I going to bed because I have nothing else to do? Definately not. I have plenty to do. Too much to do. Gah. And I also have a headache. Blech.

I feel incredibly behind right now. It's not bad enough to be super-stressed about, but I do feel kind of guilty. I've let myself get distracted too much lately. That's bad... Starting tomorrow, less distractions. This means I'll probably end up spending a decent amount of time sitting in some secluded corner of McCabe... But if that's what it takes for me to work more efficiently, then so be it.

I managed to hurt my shoulder in aikido class tonight while doing a back roll. Yay for my complete lack of coordination, and then a nice "ow" for good measure. I ended up sitting out the last half or so of class with an ice pack on my shoulder. The irony is that by injuring myself I got out of getting injured by other people... The class learned this new technique today, this wrist twisting/tweaking sort of thing that apparently hurts quite a lot. So yeah... Not so sorry I missed out on that.

Other than my minor injury, today has been good. I got my history quiz back, and I did much better than I had expected. I also managed to ward off sleep after lunch for a good 4 hours, so I actually got some work done. Now I'm not as behind in my history reading. Woohoo.

I am, however, very behind in replying to emails. So I'm going to go make some progress on that...

The Guster concert was absolutely amazing... It was general admission, and Chase and I got reasonably close, so it was really great. I had a blast. Before the concert we went South Street... Had huge slices of yummy, greasy pizza from a little hole-in-the-wall place, then went to this bookstore that had a cat. The cat's name was Earl Grey, and it was very nice... I finally got my cat fix in, which made me rather giddy.

The concert ended around 11, but we didn't get back to Swat until almost 1... We just missed the last train back, so we had to take the subway and then the bus. But we got back... I finally went to sleep sometime around 3 or later... Woke up around 10:30, then went back to sleep, and just got out of bed again about half an hour ago. Yay.

I shall now spend the rest of the day working on my history paper, I believe.

So, the question of the moment is: what does it mean when you say “I love you”? What is love anyway?

Also, I’ve always maintained that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. The question then arises… What is the difference between the two?

These thoughts and questions are swirling around in my mind as I ignore my own advice ("There's no need to second guess things... Let them stand as they are, let the memories be what they are") and try to put my finger on something that I just can’t quite figure out.

If anyone has any insights, ideas, thoughts, suggestions, etc that they’d like to share, that would be swell.

Going into Philadelphia later today... Going to go see Guster in concert, yay! Chase and I are going...

Which reminds me... Chase officially has the time slot after me on WSRN. I will be on from 2 to 3 am, and then Chase will rule the airwaves from 3 to 4 am. This is cool, because it means Chase will hang out with me during my show (and laugh when I sing at the top of my lungs, and call me an "emo girl" for my choices in music), and it also means that I don't have to fetch the key before going up to Parrish, nor do I have to lock up... This saves me time, which means I may get a little more sleep than I would otherwise. La!

I watched the BBC miniseries of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere last night... The series actually came before the book. The plot is exactly the same, but the book is much better... The book feels a bit darker, and Gaiman's descriptions outdo anything that BBC could ever hope to create in the real world. Still, it was a fun 3 hours.

It's an odd, and somewhat bad, feeling when you begin to think that something someone said -- something you disagreed with, something you shook your head at and denied as you claimed your feelings were truer than that -- may actually be true. It's a shock to your system... Like fighting a disease that you know is probably stronger than you, but not wanting to just give up and admit defeat. *sigh*

It's almost noon now... I must go and be productive.

Radio show last night went rather well, I think... No major problems... And I know at least Marci, Jonathan, and Claudia caught bits and pieces of it. So I feel loved, yay! If you didn't listen (tsk tsk), here's what you missed (* indicates a song from a playlist CD):

Taking Back Sunday: Cute Without the E
*Belle and Sebastian: I’m a Cuckoo
Dashboard Confessional: So Beautiful
Radiohead: 2+2=5
*The New Pornographers: The Laws Have Changed
The Ataris: My Reply
Tori Amos: Winter
*Mojave 3: Starlight No. 1
Jeff Buckley: Eternal Life
*Pixies: Here Comes Your Man
Jimmy Eat World: Get it Faster
*Granddaddy: Now it’s On
Poe: Could’ve Gone Mad
Weezer: Only in Dreams

If those songs sound appealing to you, listen to my show. That's an order, dammit! (Actually, it's just a forceful request... But still...)

It's nice to get things out in the open and talk about stuff... Even if it's a rather awkward process. And it's been dealt with now, so we can all go on with our lives. Or that's the theory, anyway. We shall see if it actually happens...

Didn't end up watching the movie... Hung out with people in the hall and ate cake instead. Yummy chocolate birthday cake for Aatish's 18th birthday. We sat in his room for a good 20 minutes, waiting for him to come back from campus... It was worth it, though... We freaked him out a bit, and then it was all fun and games after that. It was a sheet cake that his parents ordered from dining services... A really big sheet cake. Aatish kept on forcing more pieces on people until they absolutely had to refuse for fear of being sick. Half the dorm wandered in and got some as well... And there's still some left. Breakfast, anyone?

I finished my English paper on St. Augustine's Confessions. Woohoo. Now on to the rest of my work... If I get enough done by 9:30, I'm going to reward myself by watching Kiki's Delivery Service... Yay for random movies being shown in the ML lounge. It's great fun.

I don't have to be patient anymore... That, among other things, is making me rather happy at the moment.

I got this from Mama Cat's Livejournal... It made me laugh...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three
finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women take things seriously. Don't mess with them.

I'm addicted to all of Dashboard Confessional's latest CD, A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar... But I'm super-addicted to tracks 3, 10, and 11... "As Lovers Go," "So Beautiful," and "Hey Girl," respectively. This means that it's time to post some lyrics...

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin'... This feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"

"No, you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."
I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear,
I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"
I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear,
I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

-- "As Lovers Go" by Dashboard Confessional

While things are not ideal, a manageable arrangement has been reached. And yeah... It's really rather nice. Okay, it's very nice. I'm very happy. Right now it's sort of a semantics issue... And I think I can deal with that. I have to deal with that.

This is all reinforcing the fact that I am not a patient person. Not at all. Gah...

"There's no need to second guess things... Let them stand as they are, let the memories be what they are, and let this friendship be what it will be."

Talking over IM just now has made me really think about the friends I've made here at Swat so far... In some ways it reminds me a lot of WFC. I can't really imagine what it would be like to not have Claudia to talk to. And now it's hard to imagine daily life without Marci, Chase, Matt, Nell, all of ML 1st, and so on...

Why am I still awake? I was tired before, but now I'm not really... Just a bit weary. Though I need sleep... I have a lot of work to do... But these converstations I'm having are very interesting. So I shall stay awake even longer, and suffer for it later on. Such is life.

Well. That didn't go exactly as I had planned. Then again, I hadn't planned anything, really. Anyway, I just had a very awkward conversation. I feel sort of bad, but at least I know I did it as nicely as possible. It had to be done, and now I can go on with my life.

Went to Philadelphia... Wandered through the art museum, visited the Rodin museum as well... It was fun, but I was a bit preoccupied, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I perhaps would have. However, the issue that was worrying me has been resolved as much as it can at the moment. Now I just have to be patient. *twiddles thumbs for a week or two* Too bad I'm horrible at being patient.

I just saw the best music video ever. Someone took footage from Cowboy Bebop and put it to Weezer's "Only in Dreams"... Oh my god. It was insanely well done and amazing. Wow.

Went to a concert tonight... The opening band wasn't that great, but the other 2 acts (Rebecca Gates and Ted Leo) were both really good.

I'm going into Philadelphia tomorrow... Woohoo. Going to check out the Rodin Museum, hopefully... Not sure what else I'll end up doing. It should be fun though. And it delays the starting of the massive pile of work that I should be doing. That's probably not a good thing, but it'll all turn out okay. That's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway.

I should go sleep now.

Oh man. My radio show can only improve... Last night was a slew of technical difficulties. CD 2 was down and CD 1 was highly tempermental. That left me with the auxillary CD player, which is really just a boombox plugged into the sound board. So there was wonderful lag time between almost every song. And there were some issues with getting the program log pulled up on the computer as well... Finally, it seemed that everything was cooperating around 2:30. I was about to take out the Guster CD and stick something else in, when all of the sudden... Complete darkness. Yeah. The power went out. I just started laughing, because the whole thing was so abusrd. Luckily I had a flashlight with me, so I managed to close up the station and lock up, returned the key to the security place, and wandered back to my dorm to get about 4 hours of sleep.

On the plus side, that was really all Isabel did... We didn't even have very much rain. Just some wind that knocked down some tree limbs and such. Woohoo.

The coffee I drank this morning helped me make it through my history class without too much trouble... But it wore off by the time I got to philosophy. So that was interesting today... It was even harder to follow then usual. Eventually I gave up trying, and just sort of sat there. At least I didn't fall asleep... No, I managed to wait until after lunch to take my nap. And now I'm much more awake and ready to do something. Don't know what that something is, though...

Confusion has been dealt with, and I am happy. There are still a few things to deal with, but I feel like I have an idea where everything is going, which just makes everything so much easier to take.

Bad news: the weather is yucky. I don't want Isabel to rear her ugly head here. Shoo, hurricane... You're not wanted here. Especially when I have to trek to and from campus in the wee hours for my radio show.

I came back to the dorm in between classes with the intention of my English paper. So I'm sitting at the computer, my notes are right next to me, and I have a general idea of where I want to go with the paper... And I can't stay focused at all. Gah. It's very annoying.

On the plus side, the paper isn't due until Tuesday, so I can procrastinate a little bit without getting myself into too much trouble.

Optimistic outlook for the day: what happened actually was a good thing... We'll be better off as friends, I think. He is a really nice guy and very cool and such, but I don't know if there's enough there to keep an actual relationship going. And this belated insight shows the error in being swayed too much by the fact that someone is amazingly attractive... An error that I will admit to making.

So I'm pretty sure I know where I stand with one person... But this other one? Total confusion. I don't know if I've ever recieved this many mixed signals in my life. I suppose I could attack the problem head-on... But after feeling a little dose of (expected) rejection earlier today, do I really want to open myself up to more? Not really. But at the same time, this is really rather annoying. Because I have really very little idea of what I should be doing or how I should handle the situation.

Why is this so hard?

This quiz seems rather appropriate at the moment...

The type of ex I am is:

a m b i v a l e n t

I still have feelings for my ex, but I realize that we do not work as a couple and thus should be broken up. I will get over my ex eventually.

what type of ex are you? | mewing.net. 'EX'cellent. HA.

Things I have discovered: naps make everything seem somewhat better, and reading about a man's opium-induced dreams can distract you from thinking about much of anything else.

Also, while I am somewhat disappointed, I cannot say that I am dejected... To be honest, I'm not at all surprised by the outcome of all of this. That's somewhat sad, but it's just the way it goes. And anyway... A quality friendship and interesting philosophical discussions are not to be looked down upon, even if something more was desired.

I suppose it's good to know where you stand, even if you're not happy about the stance. Still... Dammit. Though my fate is not entirely sealed, this particular prospect looks bleak.

On the plus side, I have the new Saves the Day CD. Perhaps not as good as their last, but still rather good, especially if one is feeling inclined to mope a little bit. Which I kind of am, at the moment. Or I could distract myself with my homework. Probably the better option, but much harder to motivate myself to do. Ah well.

Completely surreal experience: talking to an ex about a current possible romantic interest. The really cool thing about it is that it's really not all that awkward... It's just like talking to any other friend, which makes me so happy that it's unbelievable.

I'm listening to WSRN as I work on my English... And Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley came on. I hadn't heard it for awhile, but it's a wonderful song.

This is our last goodbye...
I hate to feel the love between us die,
But it's over.
Just hear this and then I'll go...
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

This is our last embrace.
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me...
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry...
This is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying, "Maybe you didn't know him at all,
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know."

Well, the bells out in the church chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over...
It's over.

God, I love that song. It's so beautiful, especially when the violin comes in.

So apparently I'm amazingly obvious. Good to know.

Tonight was very fun... All sorts of people came into my room, we just talked about stuff (mostly relationships and such) for awhile, and then my RA suggested we get pizza... So we found the only place open and willing to deliver at 1 am, and we had yummy cheese pizza. Mmm.

ML 1st is an awesome hall... I know when I first got my housing info, I was a little unsure... 15 minute walk, and all that... But now I wouldn't trade my room, my hall, and my dorm for anything.

I should probably kick myself for slipping back into what will most likely prove to be false hope, but... It's so hard to not yield to the temptation when presented with such an easy opportunity.

Small schedule change. My radio show is now going to start at 2 am on Fridays... Seems the people with the show before me decided to opt out or something. Anyways, now I have the option of going from 2 to 3 am if I'm sleepy, or going the whole 2 hours until 4 am if I feel energetic. Coolness.

Forget the freshman 15. I've got the freshman -5 going on.

I don't have access to a scale, so I can't be sure of the exact amount, but I'm pretty sure I've lost weight. Right now, the pants I'm wearing are percariously hanging on by my hips. I think it's because I'm basically eating just 3 meals a day, with no snacks (except for the occasional Twizzlers provided by Matt)... Combine that with the extra walking I've been doing, and viola! Instant diet.

Tonight was fun... I managed to get all of *last* week's history reading done. Okay, that part wasn't that fun... But after that, I wandered out into the hall and was hanging out with some people. One girl and I ended up having a lengthy discussion about protests, politics, various civil issues, religion, and other things. It rocked... If there's one thing I absolutely adore about college, it's the people and the conversations I have with them.

After that, our little party of two was crashed, and things got much less serious... I think I have laughed more in my few weeks here than I have in a very long time. It's a really great feeling.

Anyway... It's nearing 3 am... I should probably go to bed, since I have some work I need to do tomorrow... Like trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing for my English paper.

I officially have a radio show! I'm excited, but this also means that I'm going to be massively out of it on Friday mornings... Why, you ask. Because my show if from 3 to 4 am. I am the last shift; I get to close up shop all by myself. Yeah. And it's way up on the 5th floor of Parrish, which is pretty far from ML. So yes, I'm going to be putting my trust in the safety of Swarthmore in the wee hours for the rest of the semester.

Anyway. For anyone in the actual broadcasting area of WSRN, it's at 91.5 fm. For those of you with an Internet connection and a strange desire to not sleep, you can check out the web broadcast. Broadcasting starts at 8 am on Monday morning.

I went to a College Bowl meeting/practice... I have decided that I'm not going to do it. Quiz bowl in high school was fun because of all the hilarity that randomly ensued due to the mix of people. This practice was much more focused, and really rather boring... So that makes 2 activites that I've officially decided to not do. Woohoo.

Paco has been returned! There was some turmoil on the hall (sleep deprivation and homework result in grumpiness), but I believe it's been resolved. Yay.

My toe really hurts when I bend it... And it looks a bit swollen and bruised. Not too bad though, so I don't think I broke it or anything.

We got the Koosh back... And then there were a bunch of people in my room talking and hanging out and such (which is why Marci and I were up so late... We both tried to do work after that... *yawn*). Soon after everyone left, I noticed that Paco was again missing. He is still missing. At this point, I'm tempted to chain the poor creature down so he'll be left in peace. That's assuming, of course, that he turns up.

The Koosh was stolen again, while Marci and I were occupied with saving Paco. The bastards, have they no sense of decency? In the midst of the battle, I got a bit banged up... My toe hurts quite a bit. Ouchie.

And so the search continues...

So the back of my mind has been trying to sort out this Frisbee issue while I've been working on history... (Yes, more history. I did all of last week's work, now I just have this week's. Woohoo). Right now all I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to go to practice. I did have some fun yesterday, but I also came to the realization that as the season progresses, the aspects I enjoy will most likely decrease and the things I dislike will increase. It's similar to the last 2 seasons of track... I didn't mind practice that much, because I enjoyed hanging out with the people on the team... But I always hated meets and actual competitions. I like to play Frisbee with the distance runners and with my friends, because it doesn't count for anything... It's just for fun. And while Ultimate here is a club, rather than varsity, sport, I'm definately getting a more serious vibe. Yes, they say it's great fun and all that, but they also say they play to win.

I think all I'm really trying to do is justify the fact that I'm a lazy bum who'd rather read and nap than run around in cleats. Nonetheless, it's the truth... And I shouldn't let myself be persuaded to do something that I really don't want to do. On that note, I'm going to say "Screw practice," and fall asleep while reading more history.

I spent a lot of my time in high school over-extending myself. Do I really want to do that here at college?

In plain English: Do I want to play Frisbee or not? Yes, it's fun. But it is a 2 hour time commitment on 3 or 4 days each week, plus stuff on weekends. There are other things I'm doing that require my time as well, along with homework... And really, the homework is just starting. My first English paper is approaching, history entails a lot more reading time than Latin did, and philosophy is probably going to be getting more intense. I like having a social life... I don't want to lose that because I'm dead on my feet -- which is exactly what I am today. I think I'll give Frisbee another practice or 2, but I'm seriously thinking about deciding not to play.

Okay, I said I was going to go read my history... But I reread the email, and it does make sense... And at the same time, I'm completely lost in the how's and why's, and I'm afraid that I'm going to start worrying about it... My mind had come to an understanding with itself, and there is a definate chance that this is going to screw that up beyond belief. Gah. I don't even know what to think or feel right now.

Now I really am going to go read history.

It could be because I'm tired... It could be because I have a massive headache... Or it could be the history I've been reading... (Come to think of it, those are all pretty inter-related anyway)... Whatever the reason, the email didn't make sense to me. I suppose I'll have to reread it and the letter when I'm in a better mental condition. Which could be May, at this rate.

I now get to deal with more history.

I'm so out of shape, even after all the walking around campus and the hike to and from my dorm... Today was my first Frisbee practice. It was fun, but I was definately out of breath by the end. On the up side, my knees didn't hurt too badly...

Off to soak in the tub, then to do homework. Yipee.

I didn't cry when I read it, which I feel is somewhat of an accomplishment. I say somewhat because I wanted to cry, but I didn't... I was walking across campus; not the best place to just break out in tears. But I'm okay now... And I think I'm just going to let it sit in the back of my mind until I have time to process it and deal with it the way it needs to be dealt with... That may be sometime this evening, I'm not sure.

I start Frisbee practice today. This could be very, very interesting. Hopefully not too painful, though. Hopefully. I also turned in my DJ application. *crosses fingers* It would be very cool if I got a spot.

I really need to go do work now. That is, after all, why I came to the library in the first place.

Guster is apparently playing a show in St. Louis on my birthday. Unfortunately, I'll still be at Swat. That would have been an awesome birthday present...

But this is pretty cool as well: monthly periods could be a thing of the past. Whee.

I feel like I should have a little sign that says "Will give hugs for food"... Or at least hugs if you deliver the last piece of your supply of yummy chocolate to my door. Yay for the 4th Matt (as opposed to the other 3 Matts in ML: Matt the Dorm Tech, Matt the 2nd Floor RA, and Matt the SAM).

When I went to dinner tonight, I could have sworn that I had locked the door, but I guess I didn't... When I returned, there was a note on my door demanding ransom for a Koosh ball (which a friend had loaned me), my computer background and screensaver had been changed somewhat, and Paco was MIA. *shakes head* All turned out to be the work of 3 of the guys on my hall. You've got to love them, though.

I'm in the Medieval European history class. Yay! Downside is I have a fair amount of reading to do... The stuff for this week, as well as getting caught up on what I missed yesterday. Blah. But other than that, things are good.

I'm trying to decide if I should take a nap now, and then read tonight, or if I should just go ahead an try to read right now. I think the nap might be winning... (Doesn't it always?)

I'm doing rather well right now, even though I'm a bit tired (due to getting too much sleep, it seems).

Right now the college is gutting the old science building while they work on the new one... This means they have lots of random things that are getting thrown away. Which means that some students are scavenging through the remains and retrieving some cool items. Which explains why I currently have half of a large bulletin board (the other half is in a room in the basement, I believe) and a smaller white board propped up against the wall. My roommate and I are still trying to figure out how to hang them. Another guy in the dorm has a large ring stand he's planning on turning into a coatrack, and then there's the 10-foot long white board in the common room...

I just got back from the activity fair... I had to run away before I allowed myself to be talked into anything else. Basically all the clubs and groups were promoting themselves and had sign-up sheets for info emails. I went willingly to the radio station and one of the literary magazines, and then I was tempted into signing up for Ultimate and SWIL. One of my friends drug me over (quite literally) to the College Bowl table, but I did manage to resist the pleas from the women's rugby team. So yeah. I'll be getting random emails now. And I may or may not do much of anything with some of the organizations. But I figured I'd give them a chance.

It's absolutely gorgeous outside right now... The rest of this week was cool and cloudy and damp, but Friday and the rest of the weekend have been warm and lovely. I'm going to grab my work and head outside.

So I just talked to my Latin teacher about dropping the class. It went very well, and it was pretty painless... Yay. Now I just need to finalize it with my advisor and sign up for a new class. Whee.

This is all very overwhelming. I hadn't even gotten used to the idea myself... I'm not even sure if I had made a decision. But then everything just started to happen, and there wasn't really any way to stop it. Well, I guess there was, but did I want to? I'm not even sure.

I'm so confused right now. I thought it was the right decision, I think it probably is the right decision. But it hurts so much, and I feel so absolutely horrible... And then all the memories of all the amazing, wonderful things come flooding in, and I can't help but cry because I don't want this to happen. But it's happening, and it's too late to stop, we're past the point of no return, and I'm cursing myself for ever mentioning it, no matter how vaugely. Because now that it's happening, I don't know what to do.

This is harder than any other time... Because with them I was basically ready, and I knew that the time had come. But this... This is a technicality of a sorts, where the distance becomes to much, and the pressure just gets to you until you snap, break like the weak little stick-figure you really are, unable to withstand it, unable to be strong and worthy and good enough. And the walk and the soak and the tears and everything are not helping me feel any better. I'm dreading class tomorrow, waking up tomorrow, facing the world, facing reality, answering the phone, and making it official.

Do I want this? I don't know. Do I need this? Maybe. Maybe my brother was right, and maybe my mother is right too. Different experiences, different lives, and all that... People change, and can they change the way they should if a part of them is still rooted in the past, tied down to something else? Do I want to rip those roots up? They can be my safety, a sense of security, a refuge. Or they can be my shackles, weights holding me down. Both are extremes, it is probably not either of the two, but rather a bit of both all the time. I'm not even sure.

All I know is that before I was thinking about how things had changed, how 1000 miles just takes the way things were and warps it, hollows it out, makes it a mere shell of what it was. And now all I can think about is how happy I was, how loved and confident and special I felt. I want that, I don't want to lose that. But is there any way to keep it anymore? Is there any way to make it work? Or is it too far gone? And what of the other thoughts I have, the ones that tell me that this is all for the best? Are they right? If I turn back now, will I regret it? By the same token, will I realize later that it would have been better to just do it, to not drag it out?

I want to curl up in a ball. I want to scream. I want this to all be over. I want a sense of certainty, a confidence that I don't know if I can ever possess. I'm watching as it all slips away, and I don't know if I can handle it. But isn't this what I want?

What do I want? I do still want him. But I want him to be closer. I'm weak; I've gotten used to the constant stream of love and affection and time together. I can't cope with this change. The dynamics of the relationship have been altered. It isn't the same. I don't think it can ever be the same. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it so desperately... It doesn't stop me from wanting to scream out, "Wait! This is all wrong!"

At the same time, reason is telling me that it's right. That this was probably going to happen anyway, so it's better to do it now in a way that preserves the friendship that is so very important to me. Reason is telling me that no matter how much this may hurt, I will feel torn up no matter what the situation is: together (but far apart) or seperated. Neither is a desirable outcome, neither appeals to me in any way, and neither is pleasant. Reason is saying this is a neccessary evil of sorts.

But is my reason reasonable? I can't tell.

We just got a free violin concert from the girl down the hall... She's trying out for the orchestra tomorrow, so we got to be her audition test audience. It was very cool.

I think I've made some sense out of Plato's Apology: Defense of Socrates... The truth, however, shall be revealed tomorrow during class discussion. I may be completely screwed up. But at least I put some thought into it and made an effort.

Speaking of making an effort... I have a Latin quiz tomorrow that I should really study for. Do you know how hard it is to motivate myself to study for a class that I'm probably dropping? But I don't want to blow it off completely on the (unlikely) chance that I end up sticking with it. Gah.

Oh hell. He's a very perceptive boy.

There's a mouse in the dorm. He ate part of my chocolate bar that was in my desk drawer... I'm disgruntled.

I'm nearing a decision... And I hate it. Part of me really doesn't want to do it. Part of me knows that I have to, or I'm completely fall apart and everything will get worse until there's just nothing left to salvage.

I'm considering dropping Latin. I signed up thinking that I would enjoy it. Instead, it's stressing me out. I really don't need that... And I don't need the course, either, as I've already fulfilled my language requirement. I'm thinking about taking a history course instead... Medieval Europe. But I'm not sure yet.

Other than that... Not much to say. I'm not in the best of moods, but my roommate is being absolutely fantastic and soothing and nice and wonderful. Not like she usually isn't, but I still appreciate it greatly -- she has definately cheered me up a bit.

Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself because you started to really mull over something and began to worry, and then it seems that you were reading too far into the situation in the first place, so it turns out you just wasted time and caused yourself unneccessary stress? I do believe that is what I did today... It sucks. On one hand I feel a sense of relief, and then on the other -- strangely enough -- I feel disappointed. It's all quite odd. I told myself I'd stop thinking about it, but it doesn't seemed to have worked. Gah.

I really need to go do my English reading.

Forgot to mention this earlier... On Tuesday, around 5:45 am, the fire alarm went off again. We all stumbled out of bed and stood outside in the cold until it was determined that the alarm was merely spazzing again. At this rate, if there ever IS an actual fire in ML, we're all going to burn up, since we'll be too annoyed with the fire alarm to believe that there's a fire. Hopefully that will never prove to be a problem.

I should go do some homework now. Yay.

It was storming just a few minutes ago... Lightning struck very close by, which did something that made the fire alarm spazz, so we all left are rooms. But it was pouring outside, so we all hung out in the lobby, since there didn't seem to be an actual fire. It's all good now, though. Yipee.

Classes started today. I had Latin and philosophy... Both went pretty well. We started right into Latin, which was slightly overwhelming, mostly because my prof kept jumping around. She touched on pronunciation and then went over to vocab and then back to dipthongs and so on. It was somewhat hard to follow at times, but I think I did okay. Philosophy was very short -- the prof didn't want to talk about our reading or anything until we actually had a chance to read it (fairly logical), and he didn't have much else to say. He fits the socially awkward stereotype of a prof pretty well so far -- he let us out 20 minutes early and just sort of dashed to the door. He seemed pretty cool, regardless.

My door room has been officially nicknamed the "Hardware Store"... One of my hallmates made a sign and everything. It comes from the fact that my mom sent me to college very prepared. Everything people have asked about: lightbulbs, extension cords, a hammer, screwdrivers, and so on, I have had. I feel so very special.

I have to go learn Latin vocab now. Vale.