Whenever I come home anymore I seem to lose all ability to be productive. At school I'm forced to be productive, but at home, that requirement mostly slips away. So I sleep a lot, maybe read some stuff (but nothing too serious or intellectual), play on the computer a lot. I always have lists of things that I should be doing -- exercising, cleaning my room, whatever. And I never seem to do any of them, or at least not for long. And then I always feel guilty. This break the main productive thing I've been doing is knitting... But I tend to do that when I loaf around and watch TV, so it's more of a way to fend off the guilt of being productive than being truly productive. My loafing productivity has yielded about half a scarf right now -- 2 feet of knitted dark green yarn. That's what I have to show for this break, plus 9 or so Lemony Snicket books read, a few movies watched, and the beginnings of some CD reviews for WSRN. That's all.

Maybe I'd feel better if I was being social instead of being productive, but I'm not. I've seen a few friends one or twice, gone to one party. That's all. I'm horrible about calling people up -- I find it very easy to sit and do nothing at home. And no one has been calling me. So I sit at home and knit. That's why I miss school so much -- yeah, I often sit around and do nothing, but it's harder. There are at least people around that I talk to on a fairly regular basis. Usually when I'm at home I see Saka a few times, but he was out of town for most of the time, and now he has school and play rehearsal. So I sit, talk to some people online, and that's all.

I wish I was being productive or social, or heaven forbid, both. I want so much to do so many things. I want to achieve great things, to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. But so often I do nothing, just sit and talk or write about what I'd like to do... So often I just sit and daydream instead of doing. And part of that angers and frustrates me, but part of me feels safe because of my inaction. IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU CAN'T FAIL. You can't succeed, either, I know. But you didn't try and fall flat on your face. I fear doing that. I think I may fear that more than anything else. I dream so big, and I want to achieve so much, but part of me is sure I can't do it, so I don't even try. I hide.

It frustrates me so much that I hide, and yet I can't quite seem to get beyond it. I see myself doing it, and I don't change anything. Nothing.

On a completely unrelated note, did anyone see the Earthsea miniseries last month and want to summarize the last hour or so for me? The VCR apparently failed to cooperate, and all was lost just about when the girl was locked away and Ged discovered the truth about his necklace. So someone, do tell.

Living on in my dreams...