It's such a great feeling when you're almost sure that something is going to happen -- something you really don't want to have happen -- and then all of the sudden, the fear and worry is swept away and you know it's not going to happen and that everything is fine. It's wonderful.

My Internet connection is fixed! Yay!

Finally got to go back to Sketti and respond to Nemesis's latest comments... Though I think I've moved past caring now; it's almost become amusing that he's bothering to waste his time in this manner.

Other than that... My brother just informed me that there's a town in New Mexico called Truth or Consequences. That's a damn cool name for a town.

I got an email that makes me a bit... well, not exactly worried. But there is perhaps a small amount of anxiety, and a certain sense that no good shall come of it. Damnation and hellfire. Everything was looking all fine and dandy, too.

Much frustration and confusion... I have a book of the collected poems of Sylvia Plath. Lovely book, good poetry... However, "Mad Girl's Love Song" is not in there. Okay, the book is supposed to contain all the poems she wrote from 1956 on... And then there's a list of all the poems she wrote before that, with 50 of them actually in the book. Cool, right? But "Mad Girl's Love Song" is not in the book at all! It's not even listed!

Yet I know it's one of her poems, and it's a fairly well known one. So why isn't it there?! Grr...

Whoa. I've got the new version of Blogger right now. It's basically the same... Only... Prettier. But it's just kind of odd. Must adjust.

My computer went back to the shop... Now it's back home again. It still doesn't like connecting to the Internet, though. Grr. It took me at least 30 minutes to connect this time. I feel like a heavenly choir should start singing hallelujahs when it actually does connect, because it's such a miracle.

I am feeling much better now. I actually went out and did something last night. When we met up with my "old friends," they didn't really seem to care about my existance all that much, but so what? I've stopped caring. I've got people who care about me, even if I don't get a chance to hang out with them a whole lot. Life goes on.

Need to go do yard work now. Whee.

Yeah. To quote Dashboard Confessional...

So this is odd,
The painful realization that all has gone wrong...
And nobody cares at all,
And nobody cares at all.

Writing an email when, blam! it hits me full-force. I have a pathetic social life. Sometime, in the last semester of school or so, I seem to have lost the people who I at least used to think were my friends. Maybe not lost, but at least misplaced or became distanced from, or something like that. I will say that it is most definately my fault in some way. I got busy with the play and then track, and I was always focused on school. With my second semester activites, I started to hang out more with some other people. But most of those people never reached full-fledged "friend" status -- they were good aquaintences that I talked with and hung out with when our paths crossed. Now that school's done, our paths have ceased to cross, and I'm left stranded. I've talked to a few people this week, but I haven't done much of anything with anyone... And it sucks.

Even as I acknowledge that some of this isolation is my own fault, I'm also forced to realize that the people who I've drifted away from may not have been very close friends in the first place. Sure, we hung out and all that stuff. I have a link to their website on this page. But when someone made use of that website to insult me, not a single one of them said a word in my defense. So if they don't care about me, should I really care about them? But if I don't care, what do I have left? A very limited number of good friends here in town, and maybe a handful more scattered across the country? It's depressing when I stop and think about it. And if I really think aobut it, I remember that most of my good friends from my junior year went away to school, and I lost touch with almost all of them. Even my correspondence with my friends from camp seems to be dwindling, as the email slows, coming only in occasional spurts, with only one person remaining a constant throughout it all.

So yeah... I feel very small and lonely right now.

My computer is being evil. It took me about 30 minutes to connect to the Internet. And it wasn't just repeated failed attempts to dial up... No, I had to be taunted by the computer. It connected 2 times -- and of course, each connection took at least 10 minutes to achieve -- but the connection was so horrible that it didn't allow me to do anything. Grr. So I had to start over.

Eleventy-one appears to be down. Of course, I cannot be sure if it's actually down or if the demons in my computer are playing tricks on me. So, Jonathan, what gives?

Yeah, I'm back now.

I've been back in town since Sunday, but my computer was in the shop, getting spruced up... My mom took it in while I was gone, thinking it would be done when I got back, or very soon after. It finally returned home yesterday afternoon. *embraces computer* I've missed you, honey.

So New York was awesome - I saw Rent and got drenched in a few downpours, took oodles of pictures, fell in love with Central Park, decided that Times Square was scary, ate good food, and didn't do about half the things I wanted. It was great fun.

Now I'm in Quincy again, back to work scooping custard. Yipee.

This will probably be the last post for the next week or so... I leave for New York tomorrow, and I don't get back until Sunday.

I'm sure you're all extremely sad about this. Yeah, right.

My junk mail is multiplying like mad. I used to have about 5 junk emails everytime I checked my email. Now I have at least 15 in my junk folder, and then 5+ in my inbox. The stuff that sneaks into my inbox is extremely annoying. I must do something about cleaning out some of my storage space before I leave for NYC, otherwise I'll run out of room... Gah. Yet another thing to add to the to-do list.

Whoa. I'm feeling immensely protective of a girl I barely know. Maybe I have stronger maternal instincts than I thought.

Either way, I basically just went into full scolding/lecture mode. I'm very worried that this girl will get very hurt, and I know she doesn't mean to hurt her. But I can definately see it happening. I think it's also my overly idealistic side coming through. I'm a big believer in romance, not such a big fan of out-and-out lust and flings with no emotional attachments. So yeah. To each his (or in this case, her) own... But I'm going to do my best to give the advice I think is appropriate.

Now I'm officially done with high school. I gave my speech, walked across the stage, got the diploma, and all that jazz.

It's bittersweet, in a way. I am very much glad to be done and moving on to college. There's no doubt about that. But I will miss some of my friends... Yeah, there's email and things like that, but it's not exactly the same. I'll also miss some of the teachers -- the really good ones who deserve so much more than Quincy offers them, both in terms of money and respect. Then there are the things I won't miss... Bag checks that serve no real purpose, the daily announcements with the slow-motion pledge, the incredibly slow people in the halls, the over-done guilt trips from the music director... I could go on for awhile, I think. Yeah, there's a lot I won't miss. But even though there's more that I won't miss than I will, the things that I will miss are so potent and strong that in the end the two sides, the "won't miss" and "will miss," just about balance out... I guess the "won't miss" has a slight edge.

I finally figured out what was in the box from Swat. It was a sweater for a teddy bear, my gift from Ben. It's cute -- a plush bear in a maroon sweater with a big "S" for Swarthmore on it. And my other brother gave me a long letter, filled with thoughtful advice which I will definately take to heart. Okay, there's that bit about long-distance relationships that I'm probably going to convienently forget, but other than that, it should be helpful.

I've survived today without any horrible mishaps... Now I have to get through tomorrow (An open house, where I have to be sociable -- though my mother assures me that I don't have to be perky. After all, that would be unnatural...)

Okay, I think I've rambled enough for now. My foot has fallen asleep... Ouch, it tingles now. Owie...

It's weird. I don't know a whole lot about her (14, writes poetry, etc) and I've only met her once. But I know about the current situation, and I'm reading what she's written in the past few days... And I can't help but feel incredibly bad for her. I want to give her a hug, to tell her she doesn't deserve to feel this way, that she's a cool person and that it's okay for her to cry. At the same time, I want to assure her that she'll find someone else, that her heart will heal (Even though it will always hurt a little, just a bit, because that's the way love and life works -- you never completely get over it...). I want to remind her that she knew it was coming, that at most there were only 3 months left, and then acknowledge that knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

And then I want to cross to the other side of the war zone and see how she's holding up. She knew it was time to end it, but I'm still worried. I haven't heard from her in the past few days, and what I've read hasn't instilled much in the way of hope. I think she's worried about someone else -- and I know who that person is -- but that doesn't stop me from being at least a little bit worried about her. I don't know really, I don't know what to think about the whole situation.

Meanwhile, I'm living in my little happy bubble, currently free from any major strife. My brothers are home. It's nice... I remember when I was younger, and they, being only a year apart, were much closer and excluded me. But now they talk to me like I'm an adult, they ask me about school, they talk to me about college and books and music and life. I guess that I'm still the baby of the family in a lot of ways, but I feel like I've finally come into my own. It's a really good feeling.

Well, it's official. I'm second best. Yup, I, lucky girl that I am, am my class salutatorian. Woohoo. I have to give a speech. Yay.

Other than that... Today was the Theatre Guild Picnic. I got to witness the Iron Belly Competition. Until now, I did not know that there were that many disgusting types of packaged fish products. Ugh. The smell alone was horrid, especially after they broke out the cheese. Blech. Only one person puked, however... Though there was no real winner, since no one cleaned off their plate. Ah well, it was a sight to behold nonetheless.

This time next week I'll be in New York City. Booyah!

My Problem Solving paper is DONE. Much rejoicing, and all that sort of stuff...

I even tossed in a geeky pun towards the end. My math teacher has definately rubbed off on me.

WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Preceeded, of course, by treefrog and grf.

I only have one final left. This is a good thing.

Mocha shakes are delicious. Thank you, Steak 'n Shake.

And then probably the most important fact of the day. I am in love with my course catalouge for Swat. Yeah, I'm a geek (The geekiest geek of all, since I got the Scholar Athlete Award -- aka "Scholar" Scholar Award -- for Quiz Bowl), and I am ready to admit it. Thecatalouge makes me want to do things like take tons of classes and major in English and minor in Psychology and Philosophy. I cannot wait for college.

Now I have to get back to my Problem Solving paper.

Ugh. Just got back from Baccalaureate. It's an optional graduation thing... Unless you're in music. Then you have to go. Despite the music director's comment ("This is not a religious service" -- HA!), it was basically like being in church. Because as soon as someone prays and closes it with "In the name of our Savior, Jesus," not only is it religious... It's Christian.

I guess I'd have been better if it represented other religions as well... At least there would have been a sense of diversity and representation. But this is a small Midwestern town, so that idea is out of the running. So, yeah... I stared in front of me as everyone else bowed their heads in prayer, and I felt pretty uncomfortable. Booyah. Or should I say hallelujah?