Blergh. It has been a long week. Yes, it is only Monday, but since I didn't really have a weekend, I feel like last week never ended.

Fun and exciting things that have happened in the past 7 or so days: I did not do the homework I was supposed to do, my grandmother died, I discovered some of my clothes no longer fit, I flew home for the funeral, I saw about 100 McCain signs in the country (and 3 Obama ones), my flight back to New York was cancelled and I had to fly on a different, later one to a less convenient airport, my cat puked on my bed in the wee hours of the morning, the construction in the building was really loud and actually knocked some stuff off the bathroom shelves and into the toilet, I had an eye exam, they broke the nosepiece of my glasses while trying to replace the pad bit, I still have not finished my homework, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I'm going to go eat cheesecake for dinner now.

I should be in class right now. I'm not.

There are a few reasons for this. One is that my homework isn't done. I got the arts-and-crafts type bit done with no problem. (Drawing and coloring is very soothing. I should do it more often. That and yoga.) As for the rest... well, my concentration and focus failed me, partially due to a killer headache. This leads to reason number two - I feel like shit. Physically, I have a cold or something along those lines. So I am very tired and sniffly and headachy. Good times! But really, the cold isn't the worst of it. The problem is that I feel like shit mentally and emotionally.

I made a promise to myself a few months ago. I would take care of myself, find a doctor, get my medication adjusted. I haven't. Not even close.

I've made half-hearted attempts to find a shrink, but I got frustrated quickly. Trying to find someone covered by my insurance, someone who is taking new patients, someone who answers their phone or at least returns messages... So far, no real luck. (Bonus! While I was typing this up I got a return call. It started off okay, until I said that I was mostly looking for medication management. I know me - if the pills are right, I'm generally pretty good. But all her med management spots are filled. So once again, I'm screwed. Yay!)

At this point, my meds have almost run out. I feel guilty about this, because I really should not have let it get to this point. For heaven's sake, I've been dealing with this for about eight or nine years now. I should know better than to wait until the last minute.

But when I'm feeling okay, I don't really think about it. And when I'm feeling bad - well, then I don't really want to deal with it, because I'd rather be curled up in bed or distracting myself with hours of crime shows than making phone call after phone call. I procrastinate with everything, why should my own health be any different? Of course, there's the fact that it's my health and well-being, but clearly that's not enough motivation.

The truth is that I'm tired. I'm tired of trying, caring, worrying, and working. I'm tired of being a responsible adult. I'm tired of feeling stressed, feeling isolated, feeling alone, feeling out of place. I'm tired of crying, of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. I'm tired of being tired.

Forgot!
by Stevie Smith

There is a fearful solitude
Within the careless multitude,
And in the open country too,

He mused, and then it seemed to him
The solitude lay all within;
He longed for some interior din:

Some echo from the worldly rout,
To indicated a common lot,
Some charge that he might be about,
But oh he felt that he was quite forgot.

I hate a lot of things when I have a headache. And right now I have a headache. So I hate the homework I'm working on, I hate the noises coming from upstairs, but most of all I hate the cellphone conversations. People aren't allowed to use their phones inside the library, so they stand just outside the door by the elevators and talk there. Sometimes they talk at length, which is how I learned much more than I ever wanted to know about one guy's evil landlady and the troubles he was having getting his security deposit back. This one girl has been out there for a good 15 minutes or so, and I can hear just enough to be annoyed. Her voice is grating on my last nerve, and I don't even get the minor pleasure of learning random useless factoids about her life, as she's speaking in French (I think - I could be wrong). Grar.

Oh. She's done now. Thank heavens. I'll just go back to hating my homework, then. Maybe I'll go get some Advil.

I'm sick, and I have been for a while now. I don't know what it is. Allergies? Maybe, but my eyes aren't itchy and I am not sneezing much, so I doubt it. Flu? Probably not, since I don't have a fever. Cold? This is the likely culprit, but why is it lasting for so damn long? Seriously, this is at least week 2 of this. And I am tired of it.

Admittedly, the cold-thing has been evolving and changing all this time. It started with a non-stop runny nose, then everything became congested and stuffy, then all the mucus moved into my chest, and now it seems to be split between the chest and nose. I've been doing a decent amount of nose-blowing and sniffing, though at least it's no longer all the time. And since I got some Robitussin, my cough has been mostly under control. (Though I forgot to bring it with me to work on Tuesday night, which led me to coughing so hard that I threw up. Fun!)

Maybe the problem is that I'm continually exposed to germs. I work in a library, so I'm constantly touching books and things that have been touched by tons of other people. And I haven't had a real weekend for a a few months (1.5 days off does NOT count as a real weekend in my book, especially when much of it is spent cleaning or doing homework), so I'm tired and worn down, so my immune system probably isn't at its best. To be honest, I don't really remember the last time I wasn't tired or didn't have at least a bit of a runny nose. And that's worrisome. I want to be healthy, dammit!