I was looking at a list of Quizila's most popular quizzes, and I saw one called "What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?"... I couldn't resist.

The result? (drumroll please...)


-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Hahahahahahahahahahahaha..... Now that is scary.

In addition to adding Mama Cat's journal to the links list, I also put up a link for Michael Kelly's Page of Misery. There's a lot of humorous essays here; check them out.

Hmmm. 6 people can cause a fair amount of chaos/destruction in an hour and a half... Tomorrow is going to be very interesting.

Came across some quizzes in Mama Cat's journal and decided to take them for myself... And here are the lovely results:

I'm an Atheist!



Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons



Okay, so the above isn't 100% accurate. I'm an agnostic, but hey, it's close enough for me.


obsessive compulsive


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting. I am definately an organization freak...

And finally:


You are the Figher Femme


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This just makes me happy.

For some reason, I find quizzes like these rather amusing... Hmm... That most likely does not bode well for my mental state, but oh well...

Well, my mom when on a technological spree today. New mouse (ooh, optical!) and a cell phone (yeah, okay, so we're a little behind... My dad had one for work, and that was it...) So now she's trying to get everything to work. The mouse (excuse me, pointing device...) is working dandily. And we have a ringer tone for the phone (some classical piece)... I'm sure the greatest challenges are yet to come. We have yet to deal with the voicemail and speed-dialing.

I'm a platinum captain! I feel oh-so-special... Actually, I'm a bit unnerved. It's bad enough when some of the arcade employees know you by sight... It's even freakier when they start randomly conversing with you. It's okay though - both of them play the same game (and are really good), and they're nice guys. Then there's the matter of some of the other players... A group of my friends and I all play Soul Calibur 2, and we often go as a group (yes, we have no real lives). And we've encountered a few other hard-core fans like ourselves... One of which goes to our school. We have a sort of rivalry going on between us... He seems especially determined to beat me. I am curious to know if this has anything to do with the fact that I am one of the few - if not the only - girls who plays. Anyways, I passed him in the halls today, and he acknowledged me, placing his hand on my shoulder as he passed. This was kinda startling, since I had never met him before going to the arcade and I still don't know his actually name. The game apparently has a life of it's own, going beyond the normal bounds of societal interactions. Interesting.

I have an urge to take a nap right now, but at the same time, I am immensely wound up. It's a rather odd feeling.

Okay. Have to go reply to Mama Cat's email now.

It's finally over. And if I'm not mistaken, I think I won. Yay!

Ouchie. I have a headache forming. This game of questions has been going on since around 8:42. It is now 9:43. Oh god, I want to be done with this... But I'm too stubborn to end it. Nope, I am not going to lose to him... I keep on thinking he's going to give up, but it just keeps on going on and on and on and on... Good grief.

Okay, I am officially in love with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead...

Ros: He talks to himself, which might be madness.
Guil: If he didn't talk sense, which he does.
Ros: Which suggests the opposite.
Player: Of what?
(small pause)
Guil: I think I have it. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself.
Ros: Or just as mad.
Guil: Or just as mad.
Ros: And he does both.
Guil: So there you are.
Ros: Stark raving sane.

Is that not wonderful? I want to keep this book forever (too bad it's the school's...). Perhaps I shall go and purchase my own... And I suppose I'll have to check out Stoppard's other work. Hmm. This whole thing makes me rather happy. La!

My father the conservative is watching Dubya's State of the Union address in the other room. I am trying my hardest to ignore it... I'm not completely succeeding. I can still hear his voice, even if the words aren't understandable (not like that's unusual, given the speaker...) Gah. Trying to drown it out with music...

Things are better today, even if I am kinda tired and have a mild headache. It doesn't matter - it's a vast improvement over most of yesterday.

I really don't have anything to say... So I'm just going to post a few quotes and leave it at that.

"Give us this day our daily mask." - Guil, in Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

"It's easy to be affected by your fears, your hatred. ...... It must be nice to still have the opportunity to save the cohesion of your pretty mind. The best some people can hope for is to better manage their damage." - Nny, in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, by Jhonen Vasquez.

The battle with the HTML begins anew... And this time it seems I have the upper hand.

2 things need to be established before I proceed:
1) I have not had a good day.
2) It's really easy to do stupid stuff. It's hard to figure out what to do later.

That said, welcome to what is likely to become a rambling rant.

Today started out somewhere slightly above sucky. It then got worse. By a little after lunchtime, it was near the crash and burn stage, as far as disasters go. It then stayed there (with occasionally dips into even more misery) until sometime late this afternoon, when it inched it's way back up to tolerable.

My thoughts from early this morning, a short time after I woke up:
A little worry is a horrible thing. Until it is confronted and dealt with, it festers in your mind, growing, expanding, eating away at you bit by bit. It's a parasite, gnawing at your confidence, shaking the foundations of your happiness.
Even if/when the worry is taken care of, the remnants of doubt remain. Perhaps they have taken a new form - a new concern, maybe one that is only just taking shape. And those are the worst kind of worries... You can't name of explain them. You just know that something is wrong, but until it transforms into a full-fledged anxiety, you can't really fight it. By that point, it can be too late... The worry may consume you before you have a chance to think about it. That's when everything falls apart.

And that's exactly what happened today: my worries and doubts consumed me. And yes, I did fall apart.

What's worse is that I know that my fears are fairly illogical. Oh sure, I may have to deal with some annoying crap, but it won't be anything major or life-altering... just nuisances, easily dealt with. And it should all be just as easily forgotten. But I can't do that. I do not handle screwing up well. I don't like my opinion of myself to falter... And it has. What hurts even more is that his opinion faltered as well. I don't really care about any of the others - I can deal with that, cope with it, live with it... But him... I can't take that.

He tells me not to worry, that it doesn't matter. Logic says I should believe him. But my heart, my mind, still says I'm a fucking fool. Perhaps I am. Maybe I'm just human, a teenager who makes mistakes like everyone else... But the god damn perfectionist in me can't stand back and watch me screw up. What's done is done, but I still can't shrug it off. This is the sort of thing that eats away at me, tears me apart.

All of this for something so simple, so juvenile, so pointless, so stupid.

And I shall leave you with these inspiring words from Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Douglas Adams' The Life, the Universe, and Everything)...

"Ha, but my life is but a box of wormgears."

Beta Club is the only thing where being 5 minutes late causes a large problem... mainly because the meetings last about 10, maybe 15 minutes. So yeah, what basically happened is that I got out of my car (after running 7 or so minutes late) and managed to make it to the front door of the school when I encountered someone leaving the meeting. Yes, I had missed the entire thing. Go me.

So Valentine's Day (otherwise known as the most evil holiday in the world) is approaching. For once, I'm actually in a relationship. Does this decrease my loathing for the 14th, with it's cutesy crap and overabundance of pink and red? Perhaps a smidgen. However, the point is rather moot. Because I can't do anything that day, really... I've got school, then the 2nd of our 3 play performances. And when that's over, I'll probably just choose to go home and sleep. So much for that.

So apparently more than the one or two people I knew about read this blog. Wow. This surprises me, for some reason. It also makes me kind of happy... and just a tiny bit worried and self-concious. Hmm. I'll manage.

Strange, uncontrollable urge to update this... But I don't really have anything to say. I'm no longer hyper; I'm a little tired. Life is basically normal, I guess.

I am, for some unapparent reason, extremely happy right now. It's quite nice. I'm rather enjoying it. Whee!

On the downside, that means I'm a bit hyper. Which means that even though I should go to bed soon, I don't think I'll be able to. Oh well. Such is life.

Well, the closet was defeated... And I live to fight another day (namely the battle of my desk, which will be grim). Going through my clothes, I realized 2 things: 1) If my arms were about 1.5 inches shorter, I would have an easier time finding long-sleeve shirts and 2) In this poor economy, I may have single-handedly kept Hot Topic from going bankrupt. I have lots and lots of band T-shirts from there... Which leads to a 3rd observation: without jeans and T-shirts, I would be screwed.

I think I'm done being productive for the day...

Okay, so now I'm taking a lunch break from the massive cleaning crusade. It's actually going rather well. However, I am a pack rat, and I do not like to get rid of things. I don't like it at all. So my mom is trying to persuade me to get rid of stuff, and I'm trying to hang on to it for dear life. It's an interesting battle. So far we're about 50-50 on the outcomes. But the closet is next... And that is the true test.

Okay, so school has been cancelled due to immensely cold wind chill. Yay! Yay for the little kids who can't stand outside in the frigid weather, waiting for their bus! You have just given me a day of freedom! Woohoo!

Of course, my mother is hinting that this free day would be a wonderful time for me to start the daunting process of seriously cleaning my room. *grimace* That's not exactly what I had in mind... Despite my organization-freak tendencies, I really don't feel like attacking my room today. But it's beginning to look like I have no choice. Gah. Hopefully the process will be relatively painless. Though I would appreciate anyone who felt kind enough to save me from my fate. Any takers?

So checking out random blogs with interesting titles in the "Recently Updated" section of blogger.com has finally paid off. I came across a blog whose content is not overly interesting (since I don't know the guy)... But the guy has song lyrics posted every so often. And he had Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down on there, which reminded me how great that song is, and how wonderful Dashboard's music is. Chris Carrabba is something rather close to a god.

Ah, and he has Taking Back Sunday lyrics as well! Good job, random guy, good job. Timberwolves in New Jersey, no less... Damn good song.

Go visit The Other Side - Twisted Animations. Watch the animations. Enjoy them.

Mr. Snaffleburger says, "Conform! Consume! Obey!"

Well, apparently I have set the process of the world's ultimate destruction in motion. Who knew?

I'm an honorary crew member! Woohoo! I have bridged the gap between cast member and crew member (since a lot of the crew hates the cast, and a lot of the cast looks down on the crew...), and I am proud. Working with crew today was immensely fun... I did some paper machie (how do you spell that?), helped put together the pit stage, and had many enjoyable fights with the stage manager. Which leads to my quote of the day (after we had been bickering)... "You're so contradictory. That's what makes you attractive." I found this highly amusing.

Now I'm going to go get the paper machie crap out of my hair...

I feel like my brain tried (and failed) to commit mental suicide. Ouch. My head is throbbing and my back aches, but I'm done with my chem homework, I finished my chem portfolio (aka The Binder of Doom), and I even studied a little for my econ and lit finals. Now if I could only see straight...

Can the teen angst be over with yet? I'm tired of all this... The little feuds, the bickering... No one is every straight-forward... They never say what they really mean, what they really think... They never tell you what's really going on. It's always some sort of game, playing favorites, looking for attention, turning friends against each other... If you don't like someone, fine. Tell them, ignore them, whatever... Just don't be two-faced about it. Don't be all nice when they're there and then bash them when they're gone. And if you have a problem with me, for chrissakes just tell me. Don't let me hear it second-hand, after we've talked and I thought everything was dealt with.

Jesus. This whole thing is so screwed up. Half the time I don't even know what's going on anymore...

Well, now I know where I stand. Cool.

My mom seems to have a much higher opinion of me than I have of myself. She sees me as this completely wonderful, talented, loveable person... And my opinion is a bit different. So is she right, and does that mean I have really crappy self-esteem? Or am I right, and is she being naive? Or are we both wrong?
I know what some people think of me... Sometimes I wonder if I want to know what others think about me. It might be nice, but it would probably end up sucking.

In other news, the question of labels was approached by a friend of mine. Well, that's how I'm referring to it. Basically she asked if this one guy was now my boyfriend. I told her I don't know... Because, honestly, I don't know exactly what's going on in regard to that. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later.

I was planning on working on homework now, but I am currently being a good friend and trying to help solve problems. Or at least listen to them. So the chemistry is just going to have to wait.

I overcame my inner slacker and exercised. 15 minutes on the Erg, some weight-lifting, some push-ups, 100 crunches (and each crunch is almost like 3... one right elbow to left knee, one left elbow to right knee, and then one center... so if I really wanted to stretch it, I could say that I did 300...), some stretching, and finally a short run. I no longer feel like I have completely wasted the first half of the day. Yay.

Now I just need to finish the take home part of my chem final and I'll feel really good.

I should really be doing something productive. Exercising, studying, cleaning my room... something. What am I doing? Nothing. This is where the "slacker" part of my Motivated Slacker nickname comes in.

On another note... One of my friends called me, said she needed to talk to me. Okay, that's fine. But right now I have no way to contact her, and I'm slightly concerned now... Gah. In other words: you know who you are. Call me if you read this. I will make free time to talk, okay?

If I have to be mocked or laughed at, can I at least know exactly why?!

A few things:

1) My chem final was a lot easier than I had expected. Thank goodness.
2) I beat Maverick today. It was probably pure luck, but I still feel proud.
3) DDR may become the death of me.
4) It's the start of a 3 day weekend!

Other than that, my life is much the same. Woohoo.

Ooooookay. Comprehension dawns and all that fun stuff. Now I know where I stand. And it's looking better than it did a few hours ago... I should have known it was something immensely logical.

*sigh*

Even worse is that I know that I should know better. Which I suppose means that I do know better. Either way, the situation is seeming fairly futile at the moment.

I wish I knew why I care. I wish I could stop caring. Like I said, I should know better. Haven't we tried this before? I believe so. Has it succeeded? Obviously not. And yet I can't change the way I feel. Which is rather unfortunate, because all that I can forsee is a bit of awkardness and hurt feelings. And I thought this time things would be different. I think they were different on my side, at least. I don't know. Maybe I'm giving up hope too quickly, but it's just so frustrating. Why can't this be simple? So far, the only results of this whole mess are: Jen doubts herself, Jen gets vastly confused, and Jen curses her emotions and wishes she could have control over them. Emotional control: his sorta-kinda trademark.

Dammit, dammit, dammit. This sucks.

You'd think I'd know better by now, wouldn't you?



Apparently I don't.

Well, I did get to go to the arcade and play Soul Calibur 2. After about 4 hours, with the assistance of my friends, the Lionel army defeated its enemies. I moved up to Platinum Lieutenent of the Cerebus. I am content. I need a life.

Other than that... Not much. Things are kinda stagnant. I guess I can deal with that... for the most part, anyways.

Discovery o' the day: I am a sorta touchy-feelie person, at least with people I like. Hugs, hand holding, and whatnot - I like that. Sooo... What do I do about the situation I'm in, where I like someone who doesn't go in for that sort of thing? Hmm. I have no answer for this. Does anyone else have any ideas?

Snow day. Which is at once grand and horrible. I had a chance to get some more sleep... But my little car isn't very good in bad weather, so I'm basically stuck here at home. And I really have a desire to go play Soul Calibur 2 until I develop blisters on my hands. Okay, maybe not that long, but you get the point.

Now some wonderful, somewhat appropriate Weezer lyrics...

How stupid is it?
For all I know you want me too,
And maybe you just don't know what to do...
Or maybe you're scared to say, "I'm falling for you."

- From El Scorcho


It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone.
Won't you knock me on my head?
Crack it open, let me outta here!

- From Why Bother?


I can't confront you,
I never could do
That which might hurt you...
So try and be cool.

- From Say it Ain't So

Okay, I think I'm done leaving slightly cryptic messages through song lyrics. At least for now. Maybe I'll find some other ones later.

One situation basically resolved.
Another issue broached.
Life should be interesting for the next week or so.

And because I'm addicted to this CD and it just seems rather appropriate right now, how about an assortment of lines from TBS's There's No 'I' In Team? (some taken out of context, so sorry)

I can't regret it, can't you just forget it...
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down, we go down together...

...Soaking in the sympathy of friends who never loved you nearly half as much as I do...

...Did I ever tell you that everything I know about breaking hearts I learned from you?
Well, it's true.
And I know, I've never done it with the style and grace you have.
I settled instead for making long term plans based on my mistakes.

...There's nothing worse... I swear, you have no idea.
...And I told myself that all I did was what I had to do.
But don't believe me, don't believe me, don't believe me.

I won't lie, it keeps me up til ungodly hours at night.
But I can't regret, so just forget it.
I started something I couldn't finish...

...Best friends means you get what you deserve...

...Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot
And live without it...

And what the heck, how about a few lines from Great Romances of the 20th Century as well?

...I love the way you'd roll excuses off the tip of your tounge
As I slowly fall apart

...This won't mean a thing come tomorrow
And that's exactly how I'll make it seem.
I'm still not sleeping,
Thinking I've crawled home from worse than this.

So please, please, I'm running out of sympathy.
I never said I'd take this lying down.

She says, "C'mon, let's just get this over with"

Yeah. Let's just get this over with.

...Don't bother, angel
I know exactly what goes on.

When everything you'll get is everything that you've wanted, princess, which would you prefer?
My finger on the trigger or me face down across your floor?
Just so long as this thing's loaded...

And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking...
And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking...
Let's go!

...How about I'm outside of your window
Watching him keep all the details covered
You're such a sucker for a sweet talker... Such a sucker.

And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking...
And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking...
And the only thing I regret is that I never let you hold me back.

Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins...
I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me.
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?

...All of this was all your fault

- A majority of the lyrics from Cute Without the 'E' (Cut From The Team) by Taking Back Sunday

I am feeling better and worse at the same time. I don't really feel the need to cry right now (not as much anyways), but I am feeling kinda bitter. I feel like she's shut me out of her life... She doesn't even realize it. Lit class is hell, sitting next to her, being reminded every second that I apparently don't matter that much to her right now. She has other, newer, more exciting friends. Friends that I helped her start hanging out with. A new boyfriend. So I get ignored, get ripped apart verbally. They're jokes, sarcasm. But they hurt so damn much. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental break-down. Back and forth I go, from sanity to madness. I'm having trouble coping with this. Even those that know what I'm going through right now and apparently care about me are subtly stepping around it, it seems. Asking me if I'm okay, but never really trying to figure it out or make it better.

I slept today, when I got home from play practice. It was wonderful. I could have slept straight through dinner, through this evening, through the night, and woken up in the morning. Sleep is such a wonderful release. Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.

I am in a somewhat better mood, I suppose - for the moment at least. I am, however, currently pissed off at the computer and its annoying shenanigans. Grr. I cannot wait until I get a new computer of my very own next year.

I am also disgruntled at the amount of chem homework I have to deal with. I have had a decent amount of time to do it, but I have been putting it off to do other things. Like read Wonder Boys, which I just finished tonight. So now I have a take-home test and a large amount of homework due tomorrow, and looking at it, I realize I really don't know what the hell I'm doing. This poses a problem. If I work on the homework, I might have a better chance of understanding what it is I'm supposed to get. However, that limits the time I have to work on the test. The test is due tomorrow; I could get away with turning in the homework on Wednesday or something. Meanwhile, I'm wasting time. Dammit. But I don't really care...

I wonder if/how my blog would change if I actually thought that more than one person read/cared about it.

Have you ever felt that the only thing you can really do is curl up in a ball in your bed, protected by your sheets and pillows and quilt? I feel like that right now. I feel lost, like I'm unable to do anything right now, at least not anything that would matter to anyone. Because I feel like I don't matter to anyone. No one here, anyways. I have some friends who care, but they're all so damn far away that it's hard to live for them. I want someone here in my town to just give a damn, to ask me how I'm doing and honestly really care about the answer. Because I'm obviously NOT fine. So when I say 'fine' I don't mean it. But they accept the answer, they go on about their lives, their lives that I don't matter in, the lives that I am a guest in. Because I don't get a regular role in their lives, I'm always just a guest appearance. A guest when they need someone to fall back on, when everyone else is busy or gone or involved in an arguement. Because no one really wants me from day to day. I don't know why not. I'm not worthy of constant friendship, I guess.

I have an urge to withdraw myself from the world and just let it all go by without me. The world doesn't need me that much, no one here would care. I could still write emails, that would take care of the people who DO care, my Mama Cat and Shpike and my handful of liminal women. But no one else would give a damn. So why do I give a damn about them? At the same time, I feel an urge to reach out, to try to explain to them how much I'm hurting, to try to get someone to care, someone I can rely on, lean on. Someone to love me and care for me and just give a damn. But I don't know who, I don't know how. And I'm horribly afraid that even if I try to reach out to someone they will just turn their backs and go away again, leaving me alone, staring at the computer screen, my ceiling, the emptiness of my soul.

I want to cry. But it won't do anything, it won't help. It's small consolation for the gaping hole I feel right now.

Birkenstocks. They're damn comfortable.

I think my minimal amounts of sleep have caught up with me. I'm very tired and out of it... but also hyper-ish. It's interesting. And I think it's scaring some people. Hehe.

I am on one weird mood swing roller coaster. Yesterday I was grumpy, but cheered up a little before going to bed... This morning I was kinda zombie-ish, but by the afternoon I had perked up considerably. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring?

In other news: I have a psych test tomorrow. I haven't studied yet. Instead, I have let myself be distracted, mainly by Wonder Boys, which I started to read. I've already seen the movie based off of it (and so far they're very similar) but it's still a good read. I got back into the habit of reading a lot over winter break, and now I can't stop. Which is good, but bad... since I'm procrastinating about other things. Oh well. I'll manage.

I just got a chance to sorta-kinda start cleaning up my room (which has been morphing into a insanely cluttered wasteland for the last 2 months or so). It's amazing how much that cheers me up - I'm such a neat freak. Or an organization freak, I guess. I don't care if it's actually clean; I dust my room, on average, about once a year (and it shows - everything is coated with a fine layer of dust... perhaps this is why I'm always sick to some extent? Or maybe my immune system just can't take the constant stress...) However, my books and CDs are in alphabetical order, and I'm constantly making lists and jotting down little notes to keep myself in order. I'm just a little anal retentive, that's all...

I will conquer you, oh fearsome HTML. I will regain my skills and your sneaky ways shall perish at my hands.

Today, after school, I was hit by the realization that I have definately overextended myself. I had just picked up some paperwork for track (code of conduct, physical form, medical release, etc) and it hit me: I have just added one more activity to my already lengthy list. As it was, I already had to be in 2 places at once that afternoon: play practice and with my math teacher, working on learning about conics for a competition. I managed, running down to practice just before my scene, but I'll have to pull a similar stunt tomorrow.

As of right now, my weekly after-school activity schedule is something like this: Mon: play practice; Tues: math and play practice; Wed: quiz bowl and play practice; Thurs: tutoring down at grade school, then play practice; Fri: weight room for track (pre-season) and play practice.

Right now I don't always have play practice, and the next few weeks are odd because of other theatre-y things... No matter what, though, I'm spread pretty thin. And I've got homework (lots of it), finals are fast approaching, and... Oh, this is going to get interesting. Maybe I should get a clone, or something. Or just prepare myself for a mental breakdown.

One of my friends told me to stop caring today. Actually, 3 of them did. We were working on a packet in econ, and they told me, "You've gotten into college, you have a solid A in this class, you don't even need to do this! Stop caring so much. Stop trying so hard!" What they fail to understand is that I HAVE to care. It's like a genetic mutation. I can't not do the work - I'm a massive perfectionist. It hurts me that I have an A- in English right now. Most people in my class would kill for that grade, but I wish it was at least a plain A. I'm incredibly hard on myself sometimes, I think. I'm wondering what will happen at college. My school is know for the stress and large workload... Yet despite (or because?) of this, it feels like a match made in heaven. Sometimes I think I thrive on stress, on pressure, in spite of all the grumbling, the sleepiness, and whatnot. I think I'd get bored if I didn't do all the stuff I do.

"I'm addicted to stress, that's the way that I get things done - if I'm not under pressure, then I sleep too long and hang around like a bum." - Jim's Big Ego, Stress

Sometimes I think that should be my theme song.

I have no idea how many times I've listened to this CD... I'm still not done with my paper (the result of multi-tasking!) So much for efficency. Such is life.

why-oh-why am i doing this, asking this, asking about this? i have a huge pit in my stomach, what am i thinking? oh god, oh god, this is a mistake... is it? it needs to be done, at some time or another, why not now? i don't know, i'm beating around the bush. tell him already, dammit, what are you doing? god. this is physically painful, how can this be? i think i'm going to be sick. ugh.

oh god, oh god, i sent it. no taking it back now, no way to get out of this, dammit, dammit, dammit. oh hell. definately feeling ill.

no answer yet. this is seeming like an eternity. this is an eternity. i don't even know what to expect. i don't even know what i want. i just needed to be honest and get it over with. still no reply. jesus.

why can't life be simple, orderly? why can't it make sense? no answer, no answer. this is going to kill me. the suspense is weighing on me like an anvil, crushing me. my stomach is turning, my mind is going blank... just answer! say anything, even an "oh" would be better than nothing. Nothing is nothing and it can do nothing, but it does everything, it just consumes you, lets you think and think and wonder and worry and ponder and fret. for chrissakes, say something!

nothing. it's been minutes, seems like hours, days, years. an answer. oh god.

is it what i wanted? no, because i don't even know what it is. it is him, it makes sense. logical, straight-forward, precise as always. i am... confused? lost? unsure? relieved? i don't know. humor is good, haha, i tried to make a joke. haha, he thought it was funny. but the situation is still the same, i am still unsure and baffled. i want my emotions to sort themselves out, make me a map, a how-to guide, a step-by-step lesson plan. but they're being screwy. damn the drama.

what do i want? why don't i know? this is frustrating, but so typical. gah. reread the messages, try to process it all. fail. i'll sleep on it. the subject has changed, the pit in my stomach has remained. it will remain for awhile, i fear.

There is reallly nothing quite like getting a good, old-fashioned snail mail letter. I love it. I also love getting good grades on papers, with nice little comments in the margin. I got both a letter and a good grade today, so I was happy. It almost made up for the fact that I had to get up early and go to school today.

I will now put Tell All Your Friends in and play it on repeat as I struggle to focus on my half-finished paper. Yay.

"So sick, so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick" - Taking Back Sunday, You Know How I Do

Today marked the last day of family togetherness for a while (I hope...). I've had enough to last me for some time, I think.

Tomorrow is my first day back at school. I am not happy. I don't mind school, but I'd much rather sleep late and laze about reading. I have a huge pile of unread books to go through, and while I've made a minute dent over the past 2 weeks (4 books out of god knows how many) I know the next month or so is going to be eaten up by other things: finals, homework, play practice, getting ready for track, and so on.

I don't know if I like being this busy or not. I don't like being bored, but there are times when I just have to sit back and think Why do I do all this stuff? It's not for college apps - at least not anymore. I don't think it every real was for the way it looked on paper. There were maybe one or 2 activites, like Natural Helpers, that fell into that category, but I quit them. So I really do enjoy all the activities I do. But sometimes I just feel like it's too much, that I'm missing out on other things. Then I remember that I live in a boring little town and there's nothing else to do but get high and drunk (or so it seems to my classmates)... And since I'm not into that, I end up sticking with what I've always done: doing my homework, doing extracurriculars, hanging out with my friends on the weekends, just sitting and talking and doing nothing at all. I guess that's all that I can really hope for at this point. One more semester, then summer, until college. But will things change? Or does it all just remain the same?

I'm too tired to make any sense, I think. I'm just rambling on, letting my fingers hit the keys, without really conciously processing what words are being formed on the screen. This does not bode well for my yet-to-be composed paper. The paper I'm going to start over from scratch because it rereading it was a painful process. Being a perfectionist makes life so much more involved sometimes.

I hate it when one of my friends needs help and I'm powerless to do anything. The most I can do is say trite words of consolation and hope; I can't even give good advice about the situation. Gah. I don't like this one bit.

"I'm not alone 'cause the TV's on, I'm not crazy 'cause I take the right pills everyday..." - Jimmy Eat World, Bleed American

Except in my case, it's the computer, not the TV. But I'm still feeling a bit alone.

Wait... Progress has been made. I may defeat this beast yet!

Hmm. This may be a false alarm... I'm not entirely sure what I did. Dammit.

All I want to do is change the font color. Is that too much to ask? *sob* Why-oh-why won't you let me do it? C'mon computer, play nice. *sniffle* You know it's been awhile since I've used HTML... Be forgiving, cooperate. My title seems to have changed color, but that's all.

*sigh* I am not faring very well. And my paper sorta sucks.

There is nothing quite like listening to brand-new CDs. It's just wonderful (assuming you didn't waste your money on a load of crap).

I'm supposed to be writing an English paper right now. I'm not. This poses a problem. Should I procrastinate more and end up feeling guilty? Or get to work, all the while wishing I was doing something else? Hmmm. I hate decisions like this.

The existance of this blog is 99.9% my friend Claudia's fault. I will accept 0.1% of the blame, since I actually created it, but she put the idea in my head by getting me addicted to her blog.

Ah well. Such is life. Hopefully I'll update this more often than my website (considering that's been fairly dead for over a year, that shouldn't be too difficult to pull off...)

You're never to old to go sledding.

"We wave the flag of freedom as we conquer and invade" - Operation Ivy, Freeze Up