Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tonight's dinner: I made the rest of the chicken I had, then sliced it up and put it in a wrap with lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and salsa. Tasty.

Despite my lack of energy, I am forcing myself to move and go to taiko in while. Must not fall into habit of slacking off... Bad... Exercise good...
I goofed today at work. In the gov docs sections, some documents are flagged, including ones that have recently been shelved and need to have their location double-checked. I was sent down to check these, not realizing that these were only the green and yellow flags, not the orange, blue, or white ones. So yeah. I "checked" all of the flags, removing them when I was done. Whoops. Orange is in need of bar codes/catalouging, blue and white need are possible removals, or something like that. *sigh* So the rest of the afternoon I spent going through redoing the orange flags. Luckily, I didn't get through all the shelves my first time through...

Note to self: in the organized world of the library, anything to do with letters, numbers, colors, etc. probably means something and should not be ignored.

I also managed to kill one side of my headphones, and couldn't handle just listening through one ear, so I was deprived of music for much of the afternoon. Whee.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Today, I (finally!) got Robert's birthday present. Even Target failed me -- I had to go to Best Buy. I also procured my electric skillet, which I just broke in. I made some chicken, which I then sliced up and put on a salad. This meal was made without me hurting myself/anything else or starting a fire. I'm so proud.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

I went to the tail end of graduation... I missed the speeches (fine with missing Al Bloom's, kinda wished I had heard Jonathan Franzen's speech after he got his honorary degree), and missed about half of the names being read. I did, however, accidently position myself in an ideal spot. I was right next to the aisle that they marched down, so I managed to catch just about everyone and congratulate them as they were leaving.

I'll undoubtedly go to graduation next year, no matter what I do with the rest of my summer. Most of my friends will be graduating... It'll be really weird. I'll probably cry. This year was just a prelude to that -- there were a few people I really care about, but most were just people I had seen around campus. Next year, though, many of the people will be people I know and will miss. And then the year after that, it'll be my turn, which is a really scary thought.

In other news, hung out with some people this afternoon, going to Star Wars tonight... People have begun to suggest things to do during the rest of the summer (hanging out every Saturday night, going to the beach, going to 6 Flags, etc), and it seems like it'll be a good summer.

Now for a nap, because I'm a lazy bum and I can.
Tonight was fun. I met up with a group of people at The House (as it is labeled in my cell), and we headed over to Peace a Pizza, the Borders, and then Coldstone Creamery. Tasty goodness was had. We then went back to campus, where there was a rather impressive fireworks display. Then it was back to The House for hanging out and a viewing of the Empire Strikes Back. I'm hopefully going to see the new Star Wars movie on Sunday, but we'll see what happens.

Graduation is tomorrow (today? in 9 hours). I'm trying to decide if I really want to go. I kind of do, since I want to see my senior friends before they leave, but I also don't really want to sit through it all. Most of the seniors I know are more acquaintances than close friends, and the one that I really consider a very close friend will be around the month of June, so I'll have many more chances to see her before she leaves. But it's graduation, so maybe I'll go anyway... I don't know. I'll set my alarm and figure it out then.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I have received 2 wrong number calls on my cell today. Way to get my hopes up and then crush them, phone.
I went for a short run today (about 10 min), and was frustrated by how out of shape I am. Endurance while running has never been my strong point, but it's really bad at the moment. Instead of going home, I decided to walk for awhile. As I passed the road by the fieldhouse, I decided to head into the Crum Woods. I ended up walking/hiking for a good half hour. I went down a few paths I've never seen before, and ended up on a hill full of blooming bushes and gorgeous blue and purple flowers. I walked by the creek, then climbed a hill to sit on a big craggy rock. I was reminded of the woods behind the house in Pittsburgh -- the foliage was sort of similar, of course, but there was something else about it that I can't place. It was a nice feeling.

So, assuming I didn't catch poison ivy from my off-path trek (after climbing to the rock, I decided to climb the rest of the hill -- but the path ended at the rock) and the weather is decent, I think I'll try and make this a regular Saturday afternoon thing.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Finally got around to seeing Sin City. It's violent, of course, but most of the gore is stylized away. Not like in Kill Bill, where it's ridiculously fake -- here it's done in a way that's true to the story's graphic novel roots. Not sure how to explain that, but it makes sense when you see it. The plot(s) of the movie are okay, but what really makes it is the style. Amazingly done -- mostly black and white, but with hints of color here and there... Though only one instance of red blood that I can remember off hand, and that was only a drop. If you can deal with violence, watch it.
I checked my mail today, and I was quite surprised to discover a package slip. I went and retrieved the package, and lo and behold -- it was a copy of the book that I helped edit during my externship. It's kind of odd to see it in the finished form, but it's also very cool. I have a sense of accomplishment, even if I only worked there for a week.

My arms are sore, but not as bad as they could have been. I'm very thankful for that -- I can deal with mild twinges of pain, but I like to avoid the all-out stabbing pain sensation.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

It seems that the house is finally being sold, assuming no last minute details cause the deal to fall through. Move in date for the new house is July 15th... I'll probably be in Quincy for about a week before that, and then be at the new place for a week after -- nothing is settled yet, though.
I am not thinking about how much I am going to hurt tomorrow. I am also not thinking about how moving my right arm over to the mouse causes a twinge of pain. No, I am going to ignore all of that.

The pain that does not exist is the result of taiko - about 2 hours of it. For those who know what taiko is, you may understand why I hurt. For those that don't... Well, taiko is Japanese drumming. Doesn't sound like it should be physically painful, right? Imagine standing in a lunge-like position, with both arms raised straight above your head. Hold this position for about 2 hours. That's roughly what I did, only with arm movement.

It was really cool, though. Very neat, though there was a huge period of frustration in the middle when I couldn't get the rhythms down at all. Grr to my lack of coordination and all. I stayed after with Victoria for a bit, though, and she helped me with some stuff, and I feel a bit better about it. So hopefully I'll get the hang of it and all will be well.

The plan is to meet on Thursdays at 8 pm this summer. Based on the soreness I already feel, I can tell that I will not be going to the gym tomorrow... Or any other Friday. So now I need to figure out what I'm going to do. My original workout plan was to go to the gym and lift weights on M, W, F, and go running and do yoga on Tuesday, and go running and do taiko on Thursday. Now, however...

I know I can't lift weights on Friday, but I also feel like lifting on Wednesday would be bad -- I'd be sore before I ever made it to taiko. The gym isn't open on weekends, so I can't do anything then as far as weights go. So maybe I'll limit myself to weight lifting on Tuesdays and taiko on Thursdays, with running, crunches, and maybe yoga on the other weekdays? Since I'm not as concerned with getting ripped as I am with just general health, etc., this may be my best bet. We'll see.

Now, however, I am going to stretch out my sore muscles and then take a nice shower, then crash. Crashing is good...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Second grade in for the semester: Existentialism, with a B+, which is about what I expected. Whee.
Ben stopped by to check out the room, and he ended up staying and chatting for a pretty long time. It was nice -- I had a class with him this past semester, so I got to know him somewhat, but this was the longest I've ever talked to him. I'm glad he'll (probably) be living on my hall next year. It should be a good hall.

The 3 hour nap was nice, the talk was nice, learning that taiko is happening tomorrow was nice, and food will be nice.
Yay for naps. I feel much better now.

Oh, I forgot to mention this before -- apparently my parents have actually trained Katie, the dog, to retrieve the newspaper. I didn't think it would actually work, but apparently she's doing quite well with it. And in other animal-related news, one of my bosses at the library has 8 cats and a dog. She defies the cat lady/librarian stereotype by being married and having a son, though. But still -- 8 cats is a lot. And I may eventually catsit them, if need be.
The govdocs section of the library is going to be the bane of my time at the library, I think. It makes my brain go all numb, even if the stuff I do there (labeling, shelving, etc) is no different than the stuff I do in any other section of the library. But just being surrounded by all the government stuff kills off brain cells, it seems.

It's grey, cool, and damp out. I'm tired and have a headache. I think I'm going to forgo the gym and sleep instead; it'll be better for me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Work was fine today... I did some shelving in the afternoon, which involved a lot of reshelving things that were in the wrong place. Some mistakes are relatively easy to make. But putting a QK in the RA area is pretty sad. I also found a book from Haverford, which I returned to the circulation desk. I was rewarded with Twizzlers, yay.

Other than that, not much. I plan on going running tonight, maybe followed by some yoga. But first I need to pacify my stomach with some food. Yay food.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

So, today was an interesting day. Hung out today, went out to dinner, broke up with my boyfriend. On some level, it was unexpected but at the same time not. Things have changed, and I'm glad that we were able to recognize that and figure out where we stood with each other. We're going to stay friends, and that'll be good. It'll just be a bit weird for now.

I'm doing okay after talking with Kyle himself, my mom, and Robert. Yay for family and friends.

Now to watch a movie that is light on thinking and romance... I'm thinking Ocean's 12.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I went to the mall today. I finally got jeans to replace the ones that are falling apart, which is very good. I also got assorted random clothes, 2 CDs (new NIN and Autolux), and books (Poe's complete works for $8! A drink book for fun, and a simple cook book for practical use). I saw cute kids playing with their newly built bears from Build-a-Bear and decided I'll have kids eventually. I saw bratty kids in the Gap and decided to think it over again.

The one thing that I really needed to get today was Robert's birthday present. One place had one, but I need two. Grr. I think I'll try Target, but I'm not sure when -- it's not a quick walk. Maybe I'll do it sometime later this week instead of going to the gym or going running.

I'm starting the gym on Monday. I'm planning on going to the gym on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and then running on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We'll see if this actually happens.

Oh, and taking the prize for silliest thing I've done lately: reading the entirety of Boy Meets Boy in one night. I went to bed at 5 am. I am silly, but this once again proves how I can stay wide awake for some things (reading a good book, web comics) but not for others (paper writing, reading certain things for school).
Many thanks to Robert for introducing me to Boy Meets Boy, an older web comic by the same person who does Friendly Hostility. I've been going through the archives for awhile now, and there is a definite chance that I'll finish reading it before I go to bed. Thank goodness I slept all day and therefore don't really feel the need to sleep now...

Friday, May 20, 2005

First grade of the semester in: my mythology/classic epic class, with a surprising A-. I was expecting a B+ at best, so this is nice.

Also discovered: the showers on this side of the basement are larger than the ones on the other side, so shaving my legs is much, much easier. This seems like a silly thing to be happy about, but really, it's very nice.
I slept the entire day, with the exception of an hour here and there for snacks, etc. I feel much better than I did this morning.
Just sent an email to my boss telling her I won't make it into work today because I'm not feeling well. It's nothing too bad (mostly coughing, headache, and chills), but I think spending the day in bed will prevent it from getting worse. Which is why I'm going back to bed now.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Dinner at Kyle and Emily's apartment tonight, which is actually looking like a real apartment now. It was a good dinner - ravioli, homemade sauce, snow peas, and only a minor oil fire which was dealt with quickly. Yay for good food and no death and/or severe burning.

In other news, nothing. My life has been very dull as of late, which is somewhat nice, but then again also not. I will start forcing myself to go to the gym on Monday, and people will be coming back in a week or 2. Both of this things will consume my free time, the latter more pleasantly than the former.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm almost positive that I just heard a knock on someone's door and then a guy shout, "C'mon, let's get stoned!"... This would explain the faint scent of pot I thought I picked up a few nights ago, and it also coincides nicely with the latest reminder email that ML is a non-smoking dorm, so for the love of god, don't smoke inside.

ML in the summertime is so much different from ML during the school year. It's kind of jarring.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Just finished watching Interview with the Vampire... I didn't realize Tom Cruise had the ability to be that creepy.
Work today was fine -- nothing too exciting... Putting barcodes on some stuff, readying other books to go out into the library, etc. Major thing of note was the discovery that the super-sketchy guy still works there, which is not a good discovery.

Super-Sketchy Guy (SSG) was someone I encountered last year when I actually did some studying in the library (this year it was forsaken in favor of the media lounge, my science center niche, and Cornell). I would study in a chair by the window and things like that, and SSG would come buy with his little cart of books, doing normal library stuff. He'd talk to me sometimes... Once he actually kind of snuck up on me to apologize for the squeaky cart... None of the things he did were in and of themselves sketchy. I've encountered other college employees who are that chatty with students, mostly in the various dining places. But there's something about this guy that creeps me out big time. I feel very uncomfortable around him. I started noticing where/when I would often run into him and would avoid those places and spots. If I saw him on level III when I was walking up the stairs, I would continue on to level IV. If I saw him along one part of the hall, I'd turn around and go the long way to get to the bathroom/computer/book I needed. I don't know what to attribute it to, but SSG just makes me very ill at ease.

I hadn't really thought about this for awhile, since I didn't spend much time in McCabe this year. But today, our paths crossed again. He talked to me in the staff lounge during my break. I wanted to flee. He was in the lounge when I went to grab my lunch, said "See you later" as I fled. It was the sort of "See you later" that makes me want to glance over my shoulder all the time, afraid that he'll be there, lurking and creepy.

*shudder* This man scares me, quite frankly.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Done with my first day of work, whee. Nothing very exciting, but it was a good day overall. I have a regular schedule set up and will work 3 hours, get lunch, then work another 3 hours.

And now for some laundry.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I'm moved in to my new room, and mostly unpacked. There are two bags (mostly winter clothes, etc) that are just going to spend the summer in the corner of my room. My chair will probably also dwell in that corner as well (folded up) - I don't have room to put it anywhere. Everything else fits, amazingly enough. Yay for stacking (bookcase on dresser, cubby things on top of trunk)... This room is definitely smaller than anywhere else I've lived, but I think it'll turn out pretty well. A good sign: the gorgeous sunset I saw from my window.

Time to finish unpacking, whee.
Most of my stuff is moved out of my room -- not into the new room yet, but in the hallway. I have way too much stuff, I've decided. It doesn't seem like that much when it's in drawers and closets and everywhere, but when it's all in bags and boxes that I have to move, it's a ton. Minimalist I am not...

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Just got back from dinner... Went to a nearby hibachi place with Robert, his mother, Anita, and Erin B. Very good stuff, and very fun to watch (ooh, fire!)... I am now going to relax and watch a movie and let all the stuff I learned this semester dissolve away.
So I feel like I've been run over by a car a few times, and then while I was lying on the road, someone decided to take a jackhammer to my brain. In other words, I hurt. However, that's okay, because I am done with both my papers!

I have just finished my sophomore year of college! Woot!

And now I'm going to go collapse for an hour, then go have dinner with Robert and his mom. Good times.
I'm finishing up page 11 of my English paper and segueing into my final point, which is the use of fragmentation. Then, a happy conclusion, a quick rereading, and I hit print. It will definitely be done by 5 pm, which makes me oh-so-happy.
Philosophy paper is short, but done. I have to wait to print it though, because my printer is being weird. Grr to it. But I was going to work on English on campus anyway, so it's okay.

Off to pacify the stomach.
I think my stomach is attempting to implode. At the very least, it is making very interesting noises. However, I am determined to finish the philosophy paper (nearing the end of page 4, going to finish up this point and conclude and then run away from it) before I let myself go to lunch.

After lunch, I will finish the English paper. Then I will collapse, because while I am awake now, I know that won't last too long -- I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, after all.

The end is in sight.
When you really think about it the results of this are bizarre... I mean, I scored equally on Cultural Creative and Existentialist -- it came down to a "choose between these two statements" thing. But the description of Cultural Creative and Existentialism are so very much in contradiction to one another -- one feels there is something greater, the other feels there is no inherent meaning. And I'm split between the two sides. Though I guess that's accurate, as I switch back and forth between the two views -- though part of that may come from taking an Existentialism course this semester and always having the concepts in the back of my mind...

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.


Existentialist

69%

Cultural Creative

69%

Postmodernist

56%

Idealist

56%

Romanticist

44%

Fundamentalist

38%

Materialist

38%

Modernist

31%

What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com
Joy wins all the prizes in the world -- she's coming over to work on my back and then keep me company. So very nice, and very much what I need.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Work on the paper is ceasing until the Advil kicks in and numbs the back pain some. I just can't sit there anymore; it hurts way too much. So I'm packing again, which is slightly less painful.

This year needs to be done.
I think I've been spending way too much time at my desk this week. My back is killing me, which really sucks. Grr to back pain. I'm starting my philosophy paper now, and hopefully it will turn out decently. Looking back at my notes form class the day we talked about this... They make a lot more sense now that I've, you know, read the stuff. Funny how that works like that.

Related to the whole spending too much time at my desk thing is spending too much time in my room. Seriously, my interpersonal contact this week? Not very much, with the whole only going to one meal thing and trying to work the rest of the time. It's starting to take it's toll on me, especially when I'm trying to work and I hear people having fun in the breakfast room over my head. Much suckiness and loneliness and all that other bad stuff. And writing about Camus' opinion of suicide is really going to cheer me up, I'm sure.

*sulk*
People are out having fun tonight, while I'm looking at a night of work. *le sigh* At least I have possible-all-nighter solidarity with Jeff. Also, I found out that Jeff will be taking playwriting next semester too, which means I'll get to have a class with him! There is much rejoicing about this, because Jeff is awesome.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what to write for philosophy. I know I'm going to write about Camus, because that is what is freshest in my mind (as in, I just finished reading An Absurd Reasoning about 15 minutes ago)... However, I don't know what to think about any of it, which therefore makes it problematic to write about it. There are basically two prompts that I'm trying to choose between. The second one will probably win, as much of it is just rehashing what I read in my own words. However, I don't know how to answer the last bit: "What do you think of his views?" I'm honestly not sure. I'm hoping some time spent packing will let things sink in, but at this point, I'm kind of torn. I understand his point and I mostly follow how he makes it, but I don't know what to think about the conclusion. It makes sense, I guess, but it just sounds so unappealing to basically live for the sake of living as an act of revolution towards the absurd. Then again, with my moments of mild existential crisis aside, I tend to feel that there is some meaning to life, so it's understandable that Camus' conclusion wouldn't rest well with me.

Anyway, now for some packing.
So my drive to work on the English paper has faded with the reduction of pressure. Somehow, this is not a surprise. So I'm going to put that on the back burner for a bit and turn my attention towards philosophy, which is also due tomorrow and hasn't really been dealt with at all yet. Whee.
Nat is my new favorite professor. I mean, she was already one of my favorites, but the email I just received (in reply to my question to clarify the confusion on the due date) cinches it: "It's the last day of exams, and you can have until Sunday if that helps you."

So the paper I'm working on right now is definitely not due until tomorrow, but if I need to turn it in on Sunday, I can. *huge amounts of relief* I'm going to keep on working anyway, as I'd like to be done. But having the pressure removed some is really nice. Ironically, I may end up getting it done before 5 pm anyway.
After my breaks for a shower and easy mac (3 packets were lovingly left by my door last night by the easy mac fairy, aka Miriam), I am now nearing the end of page 8 of the paper. I am currently dealing with allusions, which I will discuss through references to Sitwell and Eliot, the latter which will lead into my discussion of fragmentation, my last point. Then I conclude, proofread/edit, and do a dance of joy.
I am now in the middle of page 6 in my new paper, which means I'm basically already beyond the length I was at this time yesterday with my old, crappy draft. This makes me happy. It also gives me confidence that if this paper really is due today (I'm still unsure, and if Nat doesn't reply I'll try to turn it in before 5 pm just to be safe) I'll make it.

I'm going to celebrate by taking a break to shower.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A few things:

The new best use for cell phones: to leave messages to yourself about the new thesis you just came up with. I have a new thesis, about revelation through distance. Eliot had this belief that you shouldn't put yourself and emotions in your poetry. He and others distanced themselves from their work but still filled it with emotion through various means, such as imagery, allusion, assuming personas, describing scenes in the 3rd person, fragmentation, etc. It may actually work.

Also, Cari thinks that the paper is due on Saturday, not Friday. I am hoping she is right, and I just sent an email to Nat to double-check. Granted, it's late, and I won't find out until sometime tomorrow. But it would be nice to know for sure. I have a feeling Cari is right, but I'm going to pretend that it's due Friday so that I get more done. Also, I need to reserve time for philosophy still, so I can't really push it off much anyway.

Okay. Time to write this thing.
As I come across more and more examples of uncynical poems during WWII, I am watching my paper fall apart in front of my eyes. Some of my favorite poems of the time are pretty cynical, which is why I remembered that, I think. But now my thesis is riddled with holes, and I need to figure out something new. Fuck.
Jesus. I feel like I'm writing the blurb on the inside of a book of WWI poetry: "Poets like Siegfried Sassoon, Issac Rosenberg, and Wilfred Owen strip away the romantic notions of war in their poetry, revealing the harsh reality of life in the trenches, were life and death are not matters of justice, but rather issues of chance."
I just chatted with Robert online. He got about 11 hours of sleep. I hate him right now. Grr.

I have rewritten my first page to reflect my new focus. I am now working on the the segue into actually looking at the poems, then will reformat what I have so far.

This paper sucks, but I'm past the point of carrying anymore. Gah.
As I approach my 7th page for my paper (and am nowhere done discussing even the stuff from WWI), I am beginning to think that my focus is far too broad. Therefore, it is being narrowed. Instead of disillusionment in general throughout Modernism, I will now be showing the trend towards greater disillusionment, using the poems of WWI (soldiers - very disillusioned, civilians - still believe in notions of glory, sacrifice to some degree) and the poems of WWII (fewer soldiers writing, but the disillusionment is clear in civilian writings, especially after Hiroshima). Mr. Eliot, I'm sorry, but as your text "The Waste Land" falls in between the wars, I will choose to ignore it, though it really does fit into the whole idea of disillusionment.

Time to go back and revise/reformat what I have so far... Then, probably after the English picnic, I can attack the WWII stuff... (Atomic bomb! Lost faith in humanity, compassion! Lack of hope! Cynicism!)

This will be over tomorrow. Then I get to deal with Existentialism, which will no doubt improve my mood dramatically.
So once again my desire for sleep completely messes with my need to get work done. I went to bed at 3 am, setting my alarm for 5. It went off. I set it for 7 or so. It went off. I set it for 10, woke up at 9:30, and am now kicking myself for not getting up when I said I was going to. Sleep is good, but finished papers are so much better.

The new plan is just to work a lot until the English picnic, which I will hit up for dinner, then come back and work some more. Since the paper is due tomorrow, the anxiety is starting to set in, which is oddly useful.
As my English department shirt says, "I <3 close reading." Seriously, I love it right now, because it has allowed me to be magically almost done with my 3rd page. Excerpting text and then analyzing it takes up space like nobody's business. Sure, my paper may not have much substance yet, but when I print it out, it will be hefty, and that will make everything better.
Taken from the lovely Joy, since the last question made me feel somewhat obligated. If you're so inclined, reply with the answers.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal (or Xanga or blog of another sort) and see what I say about you?

I am contemplating both my paper and sleep. If I do sleep, however, it will only be a nap. This paper must be done. Grr.
Progress made on paper: very little, though at least I have a fairly clear idea of where I want to take it.

Progress made on packing: reasonably substantial. Well, at least I'm being productive with something, right?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

There. I have an introduction. I have officially started my paper. Yay.
Desire to be lazy and/or sleep: very high. Desire to do work: very low. Need to do work: extremely high. This is a bad situation.

Despite only being up since 10 am, I am exhausted already. My brain is having issues functioning, I feel utterly lethargic, and I don't want to do anything, let alone write my English paper. But I also need to write the paper. Gar. I think I'm mentally exhausted and just really need a break. Why does this always coincide with when work needs to get done?

Also, though I know I need to get the work done, the panic hasn't quite kicked in yet. The paper is lengthy (I'm aiming for about 10 pages at the very least), so I should definitely be working on it. However, as it is not due until Friday at 5 pm, the anxiety isn't quite present. But I need to get this done and my philosophy paper done as well (due Saturday by 5 pm)... So I know, logically, that I can't put it off until the last minute. However, that's not going to stop it from happening.

Blarg. Time to just do it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

And I have a new sort of favorite movie: The Boondock Saints. Very good. I enjoyed Grosse Pointe Blank (John Cusak, you rock) and Shaun of the Dead (silly zombie movie, quite enjoyable). And I loved The Boondock Saints. Very, very good movie. Someone recommended it to me a few years ago, and I just finally got around to watching it, and I am glad. It is possible that my opinion is swayed by the presence of attractive men with Irish accents (English, Scottish, Irish accents are wonderful things to me). Also, looking up the names of the people in the movie has informed me that a sequel is currently in production. Hopefully it will be good.

The other part of the movie/work plan didn't go quite as well. I have gotten some work done, but not as much as I should have. *sigh* However, as I am still energized, I'm going to stay up late and continue working, so hopefully I'll get more done.
Just got back from the theatre department picnic, which was slightly awkward as I'm not actually part of the theatre department. I've taken 2 classes, will be taking 2 more next semester, I know some people in the department, but at theatre things, I always feel out of place. Ah well. I got to say goodbye to Ulla, which was nice, and I got my add/drop sheet for costume design signed, which is important. Now I just need to corner my advisor at the English picnic on Thursday, and I'll have my classes set for next semester.

The plan for the rest of the evening is to do close readings of the poems I want to focus on in my paper. I will maintain my sanity by multi-tasking and watching a movie at the same time. Yes, that means less focus on the work. But it also means I'm less likely to give up and just go to sleep. Also, I'm planning on watching Grosse Pointe Blank (followed by Shaun of the Dead if I want to keep going), therefore I don't need to have my full attention on the movie. I will save the other movies I want to watch for a time when my attention can be given just to them.

Alright. Off I go.
Reason why I love the poetry classes I've taken so far, and why I keep on signing up for more poetry classes: the awesome poets I get exposed to. I've latched onto H.D. (and will eventually acquire a book of her stuff), and now I'm really liking some of W.H. Auden's stuff. This post is inspired by rereading "Lullaby" while getting stuff pulled together for my final paper.

"Lullaby"

Lay your sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm;
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful.
Soul and body have no bounds:
To lovers as they lie upon
Her tolerant enchanted slope
In their ordinary swoon,
Grave the vision Venus sends
Of supernatural sympathy,
Universal love and hope;
While an abstract insight wakes
Among the glaciers and the rocks
The hermit's carnal ecstasy.

Certainty, fidelity
On the stroke of midnight pass
Like vibrations of a bell
And fashionable madmen raise
Their pedantic boring cry:
Every farthing cost,
All the dreaded cards foretell,
Shall be paid, but from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought,
Not a kiss nor look be lost.

Beauty, midnight, vision dies:
Let the winds of dawn that blow
Softly round your dreaming head
Such a day of welcome show
Eye and knocking heart may bless,
Find our mortal world enough;
Noons of dryness find you fed
By the involuntary powers,
Nights of insult let you pass
Watched by every human love.


Seriously, I am in awe of the language he uses. It's just so well crafted and amazing. I don't know how to describe the feeling I get when I read this or other fantastic poetry. There's emotion, but also a sort of deeper inner calm. I had a similar feeling at the used book store in London, when I was going through the comics and graphic novels. It's somewhere between an obvious, bright neon light (because the message is clear) and a subtle nudge (because it's understated and not ugly like neon)... But the message is something like "This is what makes you happy. Remember this." And then I'm fully content and removed from the world and at peace. It's lovely.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Oh, and Sleater-Kinney has a new album coming out on the 24th. I'm listening to the single, "Entertain" now. I like it. I'm probably going to see them live in June. Awesome girl rockers will help me forget about the downfall of Weezer.
Weezer's new album, Make Believe was given a 0.4 by Pitchfork, which is perhaps the worst score I can remember. After hearing the single, "Beverly Hills," I have to believe it does actually deserve this horrible rating. And that's just sad. Rivers, please listen to the Blue Album and Pinkerton. Listen many times. Get Matt Sharp back if you need to, if the backup falsettos are key. Get back in touch with your Pinkerton-era angst by reading all the crappy reviews this album will most likely getting. Then go write good songs. I know you can do it. Don't make me rethink my love of your earlier work. Don't make me hide my Weezer t-shirts in the back of my closet. Don't make me hesitate before admitting that "Only in Dreams" is one of my favorite songs. Either get better now, or go back into hiding. Your fans did not rejoice at your reemergence only to be disappointed so much. Please.

In other news, I am a lazy slug who has gotten next to nothing accomplished today. I suck.
I'm gathering bits and pieces of poems to use in my paper for English. I went through and selected poets that had tones and themes of disillusionment (that's the core of my thesis, that Modernism is very disillusioned and a bit cynical), and now I'm going through their poems and drawing out key bits. This will take awhile, I think. I'm finishing up the first one, and that's yielded me over 3 pages of stuff -- Siegfried Sassoon, like many of the poets around WWI, was quite disillusioned with the war, and it shows up in his work, along with trenches, corpses, and other realities that are neither glorious nor white-washed.

So, plus side: I'll have lots of material to work with, lots of things to use as support for my thesis. Downside: Lots to deal with, sort through, etc. I can only use so much.
I need need need to write my last 2 papers. I really don't want to do so. My motivation has gone, making this really hard. Arg!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Finished watching Samurai Champloo, which reminded me how much I like happy endings, or at least something with closure. This gave me neither. Still, good stuff.

The packing has begun for me. It's a mindless task, so therefore not hard. But it's weird taking apart my room.
I went swimming today with Siyuan, so now I smell like chlorine. I also managed to do something to my shoulder. I'm not really sure what, but I do know that my right shoulder hurts. This is no good.

The rest of the evening: probably finishing Samurai Champloo and folding clothes and beginning the packing process. Also probably going to bed early. Tomorrow I begin the whole work thing again, this time for English and philosophy. Whee.
So, I guess this is my first hangover. Not really that bad, actually. Though also not anything I plan on repeating on a regular basis.

Brunch soon, then possibly an afternoon swim, then maybe packing and/or work for most of the rest of the day. We'll see.
Drunken Revelry tonight, though I think Siyuan, Victoria, and I were the only ones to get truly drunk. Maybe Alex for awhile, despite all his protesting. It was a great deal of fun, though not something I want to do every weekend. Well, except for the dessert part. Greg and Jeff made amazing chocolate-y goodness. So. Very. Good. I proposed to Jeff again, of course.

Right now, I'm going to drink a decent amount of water, and then go to bed. Bed is a nice place to be, especially given the state I'm in. I'm in no danger of throwing up or blacking out, which makes me wonder just how much i would have to drink to get to that point -- over roughly 4 hours, I had roughly 9 drinks. I am definitely fuzzy and tired, and I was giggly and a bit unstable, but I am still thinking clearly and in control of my actions. I highly doubt that I will ever get to the point where I won't be in control of my actions -- it does not appeal to me at all.

Alright, to bed with me now.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Talking to my mom almost always makes me feel better. I just talked to my mom, therefore I feel better. Yay.
I have acquired Tiger, therefore I have Widgets. It's nifty stuff.

I also managed to successful fix a small tear in my jeans with a not so pretty, but still effective, loop stitch. I'm oh-so-proud of my limited sewing skills.
I wish I could wrap my head around these late-night worries that always come and go. I try to work through them while I'm feeling them, and i know that they're irrational. Then in the morning they're gone, so I can't sort them out when I'm in a clearer state of mind. But they always come back, in some form or another.

I wish I could explain these worries, make myself understand them, make anyone else understand them. But I don't even know what exactly I'm worried about. I have gut feelings with no basis, doubts and fears that have no backing besides the twisted workings of my tired, depressed mind.

They often come with little prompting, sometimes coming from nowhere at all. And then, what's to be done with them? Rationality doesn't help wipe the tears off your face. And i desperately want to turn to someone, but whenever I do that in this sort of state, it doesn't seem to help much. If I can't make sense to myself, how am I going to convey anything to anyone else? So it become a mess that I regret later, after sleep, when I feel better.

So sitting and riding the storm out seems like it may be the best thing to do. But that's so hard. It was easier when I was at home. I'd cry to my mom, who would brush my hair and listen to me babble. I would snuggle up to the cat, who would tolerate me for awhile. But in a dorm room, when it's almost 2 am, when there's no one nearby that you can talk to, when talking online doesn't help (and besides, no one you want to confide in is online), when it's too late to run it out, what is there left to do? Crying oneself to sleep for no good reason that can be explained is a horrible thing, but sitting awake crying isn't any better.

So to bed I'll go, letting my mind eat away at itself until sleep comes.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I got to see the taiko club perform their piece again today... I've now seen it 3 or 4 times, but I still think it's really cool. Hopefully I'll get to learn stuff this summer, assuming Rachel and Victoria can get ahold of keys to access the drums. A stupid, evil, shiny-headed dictator is currently making this difficult, but hopefully they'll find a way. We'll see what happens.

After I turned in my theatre paper, no more work was done today. But that's okay. The rest of the evening will be spent huddled up in warm blankets and such watching Samurai Champloo and knitting. Tomorrow will involve a walk to CVS to fill prescriptions, possibly swimming, SCW/Scarlet Letters distribution party, and then Revelry. It should be a fun day.
I am now done with my acting paper, coming in at just a bit over 3 full pages. Once I turn it in this afternoon, I will officially be done with half of my classes. Woot!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I had dinner with my aunt at the new Thai place near the mall... It was quite tasty. Then I went to Mertz for some Soul Calibur II and general hanging out. Fun stuff, though nothing particularly exciting. I think this is what many of my summer evenings will be like (minus the dinner outing) - nice, relaxing, normal. It should be a good summer.
Despite the fact that I've really done very little today, I'm exhausted. Therefore, the acting paper is on hold until tonight or tomorrow, and I'm going to do laundry and nap. Sure, not working now will mean more work tomorrow, but oh well. This paper isn't really hard, I'm just lazy.
Classics paper is done and handed in. I mostly changed transitions and lead-ins to my support so that that argument works a bit better. It'll do.

Now onto my acting paper...
So. Much. Apathy.

In the last hour, I have changed two sentences in this paper - the two things Emily specifically pointed out as being awkward. The rest of the time has been spent fiddling about online and not doing anything, really. There is a great deal of apathy towards this paper at this point. I'm tempted to just turn it in as-is, but she looks at the WA copy and will therefore know that I didn't even attempt to really revise it. Damn you, guilt. Damn you.

Back to staring at the blinking cursor...
I just received 11 CDs in the campus mail to review for WSRN over the summer. I feel special.

I also got my WAed paper back from Emily, and I am now going to go about revising it. After 5 pm tonight, I'll be done with 1 of my 4 classes. After tomorrow night, I'll be done with 2 of my classes. Yay for the year winding down.

Oh, when I mentioned at lunch that I was going to go buy Mother's Day cards for my grandmas, Kyle looked at me funny. I never thought this was an unusual thing to do - I always remember sending them one. Do other people do this, or is it a family thing? Either way, I bought them, signed them, and have sent them.

On to the paper revision.
My room is cold, and this is bad. I wouldn't mind the coolness if it was 80 out, but it's about 59 out, and I'd say that's about the temp of my room. Or maybe it's less than that. Thermostat is cranked up, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I snuggled into bed last night in long PJs and a sweatshirt, underneath my comforter, and I was still really cold. It's May. This should not be. Average temp for this time of year is around 70. I want that. Where is it?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I've decided against the Easy Mac after all. Instead, I will be heading out over to Sharples in about 30 minutes for a ridiculously early dinner. I have a feeling this meal will be extended over a long period of time, as it will be my only real meal of the day. Snacking on granola bars doesn't count.

Man, my eating schedule goes to hell when I don't have classes... Summer will be better, since I'll have a set schedule. But for the next week and a half, my stomach is going to be getting the shaft.
The bloody thing is DONE. I am now going to shower and eat some Easy Mac for lunch, then consider doing laundry and/or begin pondering my next paper, an informal response/reflection on my acting class.

Tomorrow, of course, I will have to face Ovid one final time to revise and edit. But then I will turn it in, and there will be much rejoicing.
After going back to bed for a bit, I am again working on the paper. I'm about to start arguing my last point, and then have to deal with the conclusion and then send it off to Emily, who was nice enough to be talked into WAing it. I feel like this paper isn't quite crap, but it also isn't great... At this point, I just want it to go away.
I decided against the nap method and just went to bed. So now I'm up and going to work. Blarg...

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

In the midst of page 3 of my classics paper and getting very sleepy. I'm in Cornell right now, so I'm going to go home, sleep for an hour or so, then go back to work. This system will work, in theory. Of course, it failed the last time I tried to write this paper, but now the deadline is closer, so the pressure is on.
I missed the poetry reading -- I slept instead. It was probably for the best, as it made me feel better. I am now attempting to attack the paper again, but it is tough going. Hopefully the 3 others I need to write in the next 2 weeks will be easier and better.

Dinner with my aunt Donna on Thursday, which should be cool. Another chance to here some poetry tomorrow, as well as the Directing II Night of Scenes. But first the paper. Grr to the paper...
I am very tired, which is very unfortunate, as it is quite counterproductive. I have the introduction written for my classics essay so far, which is of course a start, but not as much as I wish I had done.

Good things, however: fun at the house last night (cats, friends, food, Twister, Apples to Apples, etc), blue toenails, a package of lovely food from my mother, and various cool student shows (Jeff's pottery was gorgeous, and I'm looking forward to hearing poetry and fiction and a cappella).

I must fight off the sleepiness...

Monday, May 02, 2005

The barbecue is done, which is good. There were various problems -- Sharples forgot to give us stuff, so we had to go back twice to get everything, we ran out of brownies and sodas fairly quickly, it started to rain -- but it happened, and it went pretty well. So yay, done with my 2nd RA duty (the first being the housing lottery)... I also acquired the leftover hot dogs, so I'll be consuming those this summer. Yum.

Other than that, off to the house in a few minutes, so I need to get ready for that.
I have gotten no work done today. I think the past few days have led to me forgetting how to work... It's very bad.

I'm in the midst of writing up a list of what I need to do each day to get stuff done - both work and activity-wise. It's not pretty looking...

Is it bad that my response to this is to want to curl up and nap?
There's a chance of rain today. The chance of thunderstorms kicks in around 5 pm, just when the barbecue is supposed to start. This will, I'm sure, make life quite interesting.

The rest of the day:

From now until 4 pm: Fold laundry, work on classics paper
From 4 to 5 pm: Get stuff ready for barbecue
5 pm to ?: Barbecue
?: Hopefully going over to the house to hang out with people and be amused by the weird felines
The taiko show tonight was really cool... One of the main guys alternated between looking really serious and grinning maniacally. It's hard to tell which was scarier... But he looked like he was having a good time, and he was making awesome music, so it's all good.

Went over to Mertz afterwards and hung out with Robert, which was nice. Yay for friends.

I'm going to try to go to bed at a decent hour tonight, then try to wake up at a decent time tomorrow (i.e. 10), maybe do some work, and then deal with the BBQ stuff. I'm worried that it may not go off super-smoothly, but I guess we'll see.

I wish my papers would magically disappear. Taking this two days off has reminded me just how much I don't want to do work. *sigh*

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Yay for sleeping until I wake up without the aid of an alarm or anything. It's lovely. Today will also probably be the last time for a few days, since tomorrow I need to do stuff to prep for the ML BBQ, Tuesday I have a doctor's appointment, and the rest of the week should be spent getting work done.
I saw The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight... I enjoyed it quite a bit. I've also been getting distracted by various things online (changing my icons, playing around with a floorplan thing, etc), but am now going to go to bed. Yay sleep, as always.