I have been half-heartedly following the healthcare reform debate. It has not been half-hearted because I don't care that much -- I do -- but rather because, to be honest, I don't understand a lot of it, and what I do understand usually leads to me becoming very frustrated very quickly (i.e. the passage of the Stupak-Pitts Amendment).

I admit that I have not had to deal much with health insurance. Most of my life, I was covered by my parents' insurance. When that stopped, I was at college and had access to basic care at the health center and had to pay for my prescriptions out of pocket - pricey, but simple enough. Then I got a job and I'm covered through that. I had multiple options, but I just chose one based on... I'm not even sure what logic it was based on. It may have boiled down to multiple choice.

So yeah, I have little to no experience with this stuff, but whenever I do delve into it, it seems confusing and frustrating. Does my plan cover X? Figuring that out by looking at the company's website is far too difficult. Why did my prescription copay suddenly rise? Another half-hour spent online figuring it out. And that's just looking at a single plan, rather than comparing plans and trying to figure out what's the best, most cost-efficient, and appropriate option. I don't have to try to find insurance for myself, weigh the merits of going with or without it, etc.

I feel like I'm pretty smart, but the idea of having to deal with insurance companies and sorting out details terrifies and confuses me. I have to wonder how it got so damn complicated, how the system became this crazy behemoth. Then I start longing for a simpler solution, probably a single-payer type plan. Health care is important! It should be like education and roads and libraries and be available to everyone! Then I realize I'm a crazy idealistic type with socialist tendencies and should probably look into moving to Scandinavia or something. Or at least a country with a social democratic party. Or a viable liberal party that's actually, you know, left-of-center. And then I start getting bitter towards the Democratic party and just get sad.

On Monday I went back to the psychiatrist. The depression is pretty well under control with the new meds, which is great. Yay for no random crying or awful side effects!(Except for painful hangovers and really vivid dreams, but I can work around those.) On to a problem that I didn't really realize was a problem - anxiety.

I don't do very well in crowds, especially if I'm already tired or stressed. I shut down and withdraw or silently freak out and want to run away and hide. I worry about things and have a to-do list always running through the back of my mind. I grind my teeth. My boyfriend has noted that the only time I look relaxed is when I'm at home; apparently my demeanor there is markedly different.

So I brought this up with the doctor. He's upping my dose of Paxil, since it's good for anxiety as well as depression. In the meantime, he's also given me an anti-anxiety med that I can take as needed.

I took one this morning. It is amazing. Before taking it - stressed about being late to work, mind racing, etc. After? Calmer. My mind and heart slowed down a bit. I sat on the subway and almost enjoyed the ride, got to work and have handled the day well so far - even the latest list of Polanski supporters. (Harrison Ford and Natalie Portman? Really?)

So, at least as a temporary solution, this stuff is great. It may not be viable in the long term, but hopefully the Paxil will kick in and take care of it from there. We'll see.

I am developing a very strong aversion to the smell of warm printer ink, and I'm really annoyed by people on cell phones. I would say I need to get away from the circulation desk, but the back office has it's own annoyances. What I really need is a few really good nights of sleep and an actual weekend. I'm working on the former, but the earliest the latter will happen is maybe mid-May. Blerg.

Evidently the 3 or so years that my cat has spent indoors after living on the streets has not diminished her hunting skills.

Last night, as I was starting to drift off, I heard the cat pouncing and batting at something. I figured it was a twist tie or hair tie or something and tried to fall asleep. Eventually the noise got to me, so I turned on my lamp so I could find the toy and toss it into the living room. Without my glasses, it just looked like a fuzzy grey spot. I went to pick it up, then recoiled in horror. It was oddly soft and squishy. For a second I thought maybe the cat had coughed up a hairball. Then I put on my glasses and turned on the main light. The fuzzy grey thing was a dead mouse. Eeek.

On one had, yay kitty for killing it (and not making a mess in the process). On the other hand, boo for there being a mouse in the apartment in the first place. I'm now a little paranoid about teeny feet scampering across me as I sleep.

The Dead Like Me movie was a disappointment, and now it looks like the Veronica Mars movie may never happen. Boo.

Today's WTF ad is courtesy of Facebook. I accidentally hit the back button, so I can't quote the ad verbatim, but it was for a singer/songwriter and included the phrase "what a redhead should sound like." WTF? I never knew that hair color affected one's vocal cords!

Imagine the (complete lack of) scandal that could ensue were it discovered that this woman was a bottle red. "I didn't mean to mislead my fans. But... well, I sounded like what a redhead should sound like, but I'm blonde. I had to dye it! It was the only way!"

So there are these ads for a small laptop that I've been seeing around, mostly on Jezebel. The ad features 3 bags, each one smaller than the next, then the laptop, which is small enough to fit in the smallest of the purses.



As you can see, the bags are represented by fairly simple line drawings, but each one is still distinctive. So distinctive, in fact, that, to my great shame/amusement, I can easily identify 2 out of the 3. (Man, that's a lot of commas...) In my defense, I had to do a bit of Googling to find the exact names of the bags, but I knew the designers right away.

The largest is meant to be a Marc by Marc Jacobs Totally Turnlock Mag bag:


The middle one is a Louis Vuitton Neverfull:


The third one? That I'm not sure about, and it's bothering me, because I like to know things, even stupid things like this. A bit of searching has led me to believe that it's probably supposed to be a Coach bag, since they have the little tags on the handle, but I can't find a style that matches up. Anyone out there have any ideas?

Things I do not understand:

Why quieter noises tend to bug me/aggravate my headaches more than obnoxiously loud ones.
Related: Why I hate the sound of people whispering.

Seriously, I hate it. This is problematic, since I work in a library, but I would much rather have people talk in a normal, yet quiet, tone of voice than have to listen to the 'psss, psss, psss' of people whispering.

Ugh. I have such a nasty headache at the moment. I'm having trouble keeping my mind (and my eyes, for that matter) focused, and I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Unfortunately, I've only been at work for 2 hours, so I've got another 6 before I can go home. Blerg.

Bad: Getting on the subway to go home instead of going to class because you're feeling sick, only to discover that every noise makes your headache worse and every smell makes you feel like you're about to throw up.

Good: Making it all the way home without throwing up and having a nice evening at home.

Bad: Coming into work the next day and having the headache and nausea reactivated by being forced to listen to a coworker eat loudly at her desk.

Grr.

A month or two ago, I got the latest Swarthmore College Bulletin; it included the class notes for my graduating class, which made me feel like a lazy bum. Especially the guy who's getting a PhD in a very technical-sounding thing while also attending law school.

Sadly, it is not only my fellow Swatties who are making me feel like an underachiever anymore. While watching the Oscars the other night, I remembered that I had heard James Franco was at NYU getting a Master's degree, but I had also heard competing reports that he was at Columbia. So I turned to the ever-reliable Wikipedia to find out which story was true. Turns out they both are. Dude is getting an MFA in writing at Columbia AND studying filmmaking at Tisch. He also paints. And has his own production company. And is, you know, an actor who's won a couple of awards. Jerk.

I was watching Wheel of Fortune a few minutes ago, and I learned just how impossible it is to get the $1 million prize. First, you have to land on the little sliver between the 2 bankrupts. Then you have to win that round to keep the token, plus win the entire game. Even then you don't get the money - apparently what they do is replace the $100,000 bonus envelope thing with one for $1 million. So even if you win the bonus round, you only get the million if your spin landed you the right envelope. Geez. Amazingly enough, though, someone has won the million since they introduced it; she'll probably be the only one.

Some song lyrics that are really hitting home this week...

But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin' cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to,
And you'll show up for work with a smile.
You'll be better
And you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son.

- Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter"

And it just gets so foggy
It's nowhere in here
And it's everywhere else that I don't wanna be,
But I'm stuck here getting misty over you
I'm alone on a bicycle for two.

- She & Him, "Black Hole"

Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile?
We like the same things and I like your style
It's not a secret; why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf.

I got to get your presence,
Let's make it known.
I think you're just so pleasant;
I would like you for my own.

-She & Him, "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"

I've been listening to a lot of She & Him lately; I think they, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case have finally gotten me past my aversion to all things vaguely twangy.

Last night a group of friends and I went to see Soul Samurai, a new play by Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company, a group that does new works based largely on stage combat - meaning they have lots of awesome fight scenes. The show was also very funny and interesting; if you're in NYC before it closes on March 15th, try and check it out.

At one point in the show, they used a bit of music from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack, which I recognized almost at once. Music in a play/movie/tv show/whatever can be very effective and moving, but if it's a song I've heard before, I find it incredibly distracting until I can identify it. I thought Pig Iron's Love Unpunished was interesting when I saw it, but there was one snippet of a song that they played numerous times, and I couldn't focus on the show completely because I was trying to figure out what the song was. When I got out of the show and could scroll through my iPod, I determined it was the first 12 or so seconds of Sufjan Steven's "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" played on a loop. Only then could I concentrate on anything else. I probably would have figured it out sooner, only the snippet was the instrumental introduction; lyrics and voices make identification a whole lot easier.

Actually, this doesn't happen with just music - I find myself turning to IMDB when I come across an actor I recognize but can't figure out where I know them from; I scour the web trying to find the source of a quote or story I vaguely remember. It seems to be getting worse lately - maybe library school is increasing my need to track things down.

In contrast to the bad news of the last post, here's some awesome movie news: Rob Thomas is working on a script for a Veronica Mars movie!

In other canceled TV shows being made into movies news, the Dead Like Me movie is set to be released on DVD on February 17th. Apparently Bryan Fuller, the series creator (and creator of Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies) wasn't involved, but I'm still hoping it'll be good. At the very least it will give me more Callum Blue to ogle, and I can't complain about that.

No no no NO! This is just wrong: they're making a live-action Cowboy Bebop, and KEANU REEVES has been signed on to play Spike Siegel. Live action adaptation of anime - grr already, but to cast Reeves as Spike is awful. Damn you, 20th Century Fox. Damn you.

I made it a year and a half in New York before I cracked. I have become very, very good at ignoring people on the sidewalk and subway. People handing out fliers, people with clipboards who are petitioning, people with signs asking for money. I steel myself, stare straight ahead, and walk on by. I usually don't feel any guilt about the first group and sometimes feel bad about the second, but I always feel a twinge of guilt with the last. I try not to read the signs (except for the guy by the newspaper stand on Broadway - he offers such gems as 'Trying to pay NYU tuition' and 'Lost light saber. Need $ to buy new one to fight Lord Vader'), because I know I'll only feel worse. I almost caved at the sight of the guy with the mewing kitten in the subway station. I put all my non-quarter change in the donation cup at Housing Works once, and occasionally give to charities, but that's not quite the same thing.

Today I cracked. Walking up Broadway, crossing Houston, I see a woman sitting on the sidewalk. As I pass her, I see her sign out of the corner of my eye. 'Left abusive husband'. I continued walking. After about 10 feet, I stop and turn halfway around. I stare into the window of Crate and Barrel for a second, reach for my wallet, go back, and give her some money. I couldn't ignore her.

I wish I could help more of the people I see on the streets, but I really wish they weren't there in the first place. I don't completely hate capitalism (I like money, I like stuff, I enjoy buying stuff with my money), but come on. Athletes and entertainers make millions of dollars while teachers are underpaid, people starve while food sits untouched on grocery store shelves, people freeze on the streets while houses sit empty, and people get sick and die because they don't have insurance and can't afford to go to the doctor or buy their medicine. It's not right. During the presidential race, Sarah Palin said that now is not the time to experiment with socialism. I disagree - it's the perfect time. I am fully aware that I don't know a ton about economics and politics, but the resources exist to make serious improvements in the world. They're just not being used right.

I was staring blankly into space today when an older guy walked by and said something to the effect of "Smile! It can't be that bad!" I automatically respond by smiling and laughing amicably, but I hate these kind of comments. He (it's always a guy) doesn't know anything about me, my life, my situation, but he still decides it's cool to tell me to smile or cheer up because it's not that bad. Kindly STFU, sir, and let me decide when to smile.

The kicker to this particular incident? The comment was made while I was sitting in a waiting room. A psychosocial services waiting room, no less. If it weren't "that bad," I probably wouldn't be seeing a shrink, now would I?

On a semi-related note: The medication adjustment whirlwind continues. In the past 2 months, I have gone from 150 mg of med A to 150 mg of A and 150 mg of B, then to 200 mg of A and 150 mg of B, then to 200 mg of A and 300 mg of B. I will now be dropping back to 200 mg of A and 150 mg of B, and may possibly end up taking just the 200 mg of A. I've also been adding various vitamins, which means that I'm currently taking 5 medications in the form of 6 pills every morning. Fun times!