I'm supposed to be working on various scholarship/award essays right now. I'm supposed to be "hunkering down" and getting them done today. My version of hunkering is taking random quizzes every few minutes. So here are the results...






Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]







What Type of Villain are You?

mutedfaith.com /
<º>


The combination of these two results is curious... I am both a good friend and a loner... How does that work?






find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>


Ah. This explains the combination of the previous 2, I suppose. I'm a good listener, but no one understands me. Joy.





Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Yay.

Off to struggle through an essay on "America's Young Patriots Believing and Achieving for a Better America"... Someone please save me.

I'm not sure why I haven't posted a link to When I Drop Dead before now... I've been reading it for awhile now, and it's pretty cool. It's the blog of a woman who works at a bookstore, and some of the stories are hilarious. I'd highly recommend checking it out, and I urge you to read through the archives as well... Especially the entry from January 27th, where she explains where the title for the blog came from. It's very amusing... Though it does make me somewhat ashamed to be a teenager. I suppose I could comfort myself by saying that adults are just as dumb... But while that's true, it's even more disheartening. *sigh*

It's been snowing on and off today, which is crazy because it was so warm (70 and above) earlier this week. None of it has stuck, of course, but I'm still not thrilled about it. I had gotten very used to my flip flops and t-shirt attire.

Despite the weather, I'm feeling wonderful. I'm not overboard perky and happy... But I'm content and at ease, which is somewhat unusual but really damn nice.

Random note: unconditional love is a great thing.

Studying abnormal psychology is making me somewhat paranoid. I'm listening to the presentations, hearing them rattle off the symptoms of each disorder, and somewhere in the back of my mind I have a little checklist and I'm going through them... I haven't met the criteria for any of them except for depression... And that one's sort of a given in my case.

The really interesting thing in psych today was the tape my teacher played. It's supposed to simulate the auditory hallucinations of a schizophrenic. We didn't get to listen to much of it, but it was a woman at a job interview. You hear her say a few things, but there are also a lot of male voices... One of which is apparently the interviewer, the others... Well, the others are inside her head. Most of the comments were negative (You aren't qualified, why did you think you could get this job, you'll never get a job, you're so stupid, etc), but there were some other things (What are you talking about, what's going on, etc). And to be quite honest, it was very hard to figure out which was which... (Though I'm willing to bet that the manical laughter was not coming from the interviewer...).

I'm almost tempted to try and borrow the tape and listen to the whole thing... I'm afraid that my worry my psych teacher though... She's a nice lady, I don't want to get her all panicked. But even though the tape was a bit freaky, it was intriguing... There was a certain aspect of it that I was familiar with, which is somewhat disturbing. The thing is, when I hear hateful angry voices putting me down, I know that they're coming from inside my head, and I know that they are me. I don't know if that situation is any better, but hey, at least I've still got my grip on reality. And I'm confident that I do not have antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopathy or psychopathy)... And hey, that's always a plus.

As dinner neared an end tonight, my family started talking about the war... (Actually, I think I may have started it, but I'm not sure) Anyways, it was one of the first serious discussions we've had at dinner for awhile. It was very interesting, since the 3 of us represent the whole political spectrum. My dad (the Republican) and I (the liberal) did most of the talking, but my mom (the independent moderate) weighed in with some thoughts now and then. I enjoyed it, even though I did get angry off and on. And now I've met my dinner conversation quota for the next month or so...

I've decided I have lethal PMS. It's a very scary thing... But it's over for now, so that's a plus. And now I'm in a pretty good mood (great compared to the past few days), so... La!

This is just cool...


You are the colorful and small poison arrow frog.
Lucky you. You secrete some of the most
powerful toxic substances known to science and
some of your kind can kill just by skin
contact. Hooray for neurotoxins! You piss most
people off because they don't like the fact
that something so small can kill them.
Hopefully you never organize a union and decide
to attack mankind. God damned deadly frogs.


What Scary Weapon of Evolution Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think the frog is rather pretty... Why is it that so many pretty things can kill you? All the cool bright colors in chemistry class are toxic, and some of the most gorgeous animals are the most lethal. Hmm. I find it interesting... But given the mood I'm in, just about anything is interesting/amusing...

I've killed plenty of time now, but still nothing...

So I guess I'll got to bed... And await whatever tomorrow may bring.

I am now mindlessly killing time. I should be doing chem, but my mind is elsewhere, so I can't. I could go to bed, but I'm feeling rather attached to the computer right now, so I won't.

Instead, some random song lyrics from the CD I'm currently listening to... Jimmy Eat World's Clarity...

What you ignore is priceless to me.
- Believe in What You Want

Take in restraint like a breath,
My lungs are so numb from holding back...
...
Simple discourse breaks you clean in half.
Regret.
Do try it once and then you know.
Your move.
Settle for less again.
- Crush

Meet me with a way out through the lies.
Nowhere, going nowhere in the fake yellow light.
...
The feelings change so fast.
Safety scares them away.
I can't bring myself to say
It's my own advice I need.
Nowhere, and then nowhere,
Living trapped inside the chase.
...
Our weakness is the same.
We need poison sometimes.
...
Blame no one.
Look in my eyes and blame no one.
- Ten

We can't do a thing but wait.
...
The time, such clumsy time,
In deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can loose yourself in your courage.
...
The mindless comfort
Grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
'If I don't let myself be happy now,
Then when?'
If not now, when?
...
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
...
Close my eyes and believe wherever you are,
An angel for me.
- For Me This is Heaven

Take advantage of these times, you said.
You let me down.
It hasn't been the first time.
As I'm falling in the pit of fire,
My mind's made up.
I'm never coming back here.
...
How long would it take me
To walk across the United States
All alone?
...
I'm falling fast into this pit of fire
Which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear
That I've been wrapped in for years.
...
When the world caves in
What are you going to do?
When the world caves in
What are you going to do for me?
- Blister

Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
- Clarity

How could you know just what you did?
So full of faith yet full of doubt I ask.
...
Time and time again you said
Don't be afraid.
...
The only voice I want to hear is yours.
- Goodbye Sky Harbor

My mood has not neccessarily improved, but I have mellowed somewhat. I am now feeling small twinges of something like regret for what I wrote earlier today. I say like regret because it isn't regret. I did mean it. I suppose I still do. Nonetheless, I feel bad for lashing out at him like that, especially since I have not responded in kind to others in the class who behave in a similar manner. So yes, while it most definately bothers me, I have to admit that I'm probably overreacting as I always do.

I don't know where I stand right now... I'm alternating between worry and calm, regret and defiance, sorrow and anger, love and hate. It's rather frustrating... And I think that time is only making it worse. Every time that little online alert thing dances about in the corner, I think maybe... But so far, no luck. Gah. Double gah. Triple gah, even.

I am not in a very good mood. There's the remnants of a headache still, and an ache here and there in my legs, but the real problem is... I don't know what it is. I'm just sort of disgruntled and fed up and irked, along with tired and sort of depressed. The combination is rather interesting... In 8th hour I was arguing, then after class I was sort of distant and cold, and then I ended up lying on the floor of A-building with tears running down my face. Maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm having a mental breakdown, maybe I just need some sleep. I haven't got a damn clue what's going on anymore.

And he is not helping. Yes, he apologized. But in the current state I'm in, I really don't give a damn. Is that somewhat bitchy? Undoubtedly. Do I care? Not all that much. I'm upset right now, and to be completely honest, I am really getting disgusted with the way he acts in Lit. There's a reason I left class today, and he (with the help of the cluster of people around him) is it. It makes me want to scream. I did scream, in a way, when they brought up that goddamn math problem... Or at least I told them to stop... Amazingly enough they listened... About that, anyways. They were still disruptive, and he was still incredibly rude to her in regard to the paper. I guess that what it comes down to is this: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him treating her like shit, using that class as an excuse to be an massive ass/idiot/bastard/jerk... Not only is she a teacher, but she's a nice person. Show at least a smidgen of respect. I don't care if you don't participate in class; you could sit there and do absolutely nothing for all I care. But don't bring the rest of the class down just because you don't give a damn about the class. Because I want to learn something, and so do some other people. It just frustrates me to no end. I can't stand to be around him when he's like that. This is most definately a love/hate relationship... And right now I'm just feeling the hate.

This feels somewhat fitting at the moment:


You are the Dark! Mysterious and a loner, you hate
being around anyone but your closest friends.
Pain is a big part of your life and your not
afraid to admit it. When people take the time
to melt away your cold exterior, they will have
a friend for life.


Which realm do you rule over? (mostly for girls, anime result pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

To the people who asked me how I was today - thank you. To everyone else - your apathy is touching. May I learn to not give a damn about the world around me, especially my friends... just like you.

I'm sort of crying. They're random tears... Those silent tears that just stream down your face, tears that are practically unconcious and don't seem to have a direct cause or source. It's like a leak in a dam, all the emotions build up until something finally slips through, escapes, breaks free and shows itself to the world.

I feel like I'm falling apart, both physically and mentally. My body is aching... My knees keep popping and cracking, my muscles are tight and sore. My head hurts; I hardly ever get headaches, but I've been getting them for the past few days. I'm tired... I fell asleep in study hall again today. Today at least 4 people asked me if I was okay. I don't know if I am. I have a lot of stuff I should be doing, but I can't focus on it, I can't force myself to do much of anything. All I want to do is sleep, or at least stretch out on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I almost wish I was catatonic. It would be nice to have an excuse to not move or do anything... No track practice, not much of anything... I just want a break from everything. 3rd quarter sucks - there's no days off until spring break next month. Weekends don't count anymore, since I'm too busy doing homework and such stuff. I want to freeze time, get a good 12 hours of sleep, and then start everything up again. Maybe then I could function normally. Maybe then I could survive.

My knees hate me. I'm not sure why - I've tried my best to be nice to them. I even got new running shoes, which appeased my ankles, arches, hip, and even my shins and calves to some degree... But my knees are stubborn; they just keep on hurting. Gah. This frustrates me. Pain, pain go away...

The following is the sort of thing that pops into my head in the morning when I'm getting ready for school and I'm running through all the things I need to work on in the coming days and weeks: psych presentation, chem homework, chem journal, scholarship essay, track, clean my room, this, that, god knows what else... Then I remember I have to do a project in math for the end of the year, and suddenly my mind goes off on a little tangent.

My topic is the Golden Ratio. It's one of those really odd things that occur in nature that's difficult to chalk up to chance - the kind of thing that sort of makes me believe that there's some sort of higher being or creator . Note that I did not say it makes me believe in God. If anything, things like this would weaken my faith in the Judeo-Christian deity, assuming I had some faith left to weaken.

The prevalence of the Golden Ratio and such things shows a certain logic and order where you wouldn't neccessarily expect it - pinecones, some seashells, and so on. The Christian relgion, in my opinion, does not display this logical order. If I think about Christianity and the ideas it's based on for a little bit, I'm always reminded of a gigantic legal loophole.

God creates the world, etc. and He eventually gives His Chosen People the Ten Commandments. They can't follow them all, and He knows this... But they're damned to Hell for their failure anyways. After a few millenia of this, God decides Heaven needs some fresh blood... After all, the angels are pretty cool, but c'mon... He's been hanging out with them since before The Beginning. This poses a problem, however: how can He get people into Heaven without going back on His previous edict of eternal damnation?

"Hmmm...." God ponders. "Whatever shall I do?"
"If The Almighty does not mind me saying so, I think that I might have an idea..." says the archangel Michael. And so Michael presents the plan: send God's Only Son down to Earth, have all the people who believe in him get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and booyah! Party in Heaven!
"Wonderful idea," comments God.
"Of course," replies Michael smugly. "I am one of your perfect creations, after all."

And there you have it. The dangers of me thinking about my math project early in the morning. Scary and delightfully offensive, no?

Hmm. This is the sort of post that makes me kind of glad that while I have a link to my email on here, I do not currently have one of those handy-dandy commenting systems. Though I don't know if it would really matter - I only know of one very devout Christian who reads my blog, and she and I have an understanding about the subject of religion. Either way, I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to be called a blasphemer at the moment. Oh well.

Okay, maybe sleep requires more thought than I had originally believed... I had some of the weirdest dreams last night... They were nightmares, actually... I woke up really freaked out. It's unusual for me to remember my dreams, let alone 2 in the same night... But whenever I do remember them, they seem to be nightmares of a sort... Hmm... That sort of stinks. I want happy dreams, darn it!

I am currently feeling very unfunctional. I don't think I could hold a decent conversation right now if I tried. Wait, I did try... And yes, I failed. That's why I came home. I was just sitting in Steak 'n Shake without a thing to say... I wasn't even lost in though. I was just lost. My mind has taken an early spring break, and I don't know where the hell it went. I just know that it's not here... I do hope it comes back soon, the poor thing's too confused and vulnerable to be left to its own devices.

At least I've found an activity that requires little to no serious thought: quiz-taking!


You are "A Sorta Fairytale!"

You're probably happy where you're at and
suchness...


Tori Amos: Which 'Scarlet's Walk' song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I'll go to bed now... That requires even less thought, yay...

I feel kind of ill. It's a pit in the stomach, oh-god-when-did-this-happen sort of thing... I was bored, so I started to just go through people's info on my contact list, see if there was anything new... Found that someone I know has a livejournal now. It's someone I haven't really talked to for the last month or 2, someone I haven't seen for the last 3 or 4... But we were close before that, so I decided to check it out.

So I read a few entries, and then that little voice in the back of my mind, the one that's always the first to let me know that something's wrong, spoke up. So I read some more, and now I'm wishing I hadn't. It confirmed my original fear, and then it led to new ones, and then went ahead and confirmed those as well. Hence the pit in the stomach... We were close, we could talk for hours on end, we had fun together. Strange circumstances arose and life changed. And now I read his posts and I'm sad and a little angry... I'm disappointed in what he's doing, and part of me feels betrayed... The things he used to say to me don't match up with his actions now. But I suppose some of the things he did before didn't match up either, and that makes me feel even worse. I don't want to look back on the past and have it tainted somehow; I don't want to think that my memories are untrue in some way.

At the same time... I realize that the past is gone... I made a choice and ended our relationship, which ultimately seemed to end our friendship. And while that fact sort of stings, I don't regret my decision. Despite all the complaining I do at times, I know that right now I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I have some really amazing friends, I have a lot of opportunities to look forward to in the coming year, and I'm in a wonderful relationship. I know that some of the people I used to be really close to have changed, that now they do things that I don't approve of... But I'm happy with myself and my decisions, and I guess that's all I can really hope for.

Vandalism is just *so* cool... One of my friends had an anti-war bumper sticker on her Jeep... Something like "No war in Iraq," I think... She just put it on last night. When we got out of school today, lo and behold, it was gone... Someone had removed it. And no, they didn't just peel it off... It looks like they used a key to get it off; the paint is all scratched up. Isn't that wonderful? Such a great way to handle dissenting opinions... Gah.

Moving on to other crimes... Someone pulled the fire alarm today in 1st hour. Don't know who, but if they get caught they'll be in big trouble. The really odd part? After the alarm went off, as everyone was going outside, the assistant principal came over the P.A. system... Basically said we were to stay inside, they'd figure out what the malfunction was, etc (I'm assuming they didn't know that someone had pulled it then)... So the alarm went on for awhile, we're just sitting there with no idea what's going on... Heaven forbid there actually was a fire; we'd have all been screwed.

Other than that, today was nice. Half day of school... (Yay for inservice days!), went out to lunch with some friends... Did some homework (No, that in itself was not enjoyable, but the little nap I took was nice)... Played Frisbee at track practice. And I don't have practice tomorrow, since I'm not good enough to go to the meet... (No, I don't care... I know I suck. I have embraced my inner mid-distance slacker, and it is good...) It's all rather lovely.

And so it has begun...

"The American people are ready for the disarmament of Saddam Hussein. They understand what's at stake. The military is ready, the nation is ready and the cause is just." - Ari Fleischer

No, the American people are not ready; the nation is not ready. Or have you forgotten all the protesters, not to mention the silent dissenters? Yes, we do understand what's at stake, what's been at stake since 9-11... Our civil liberties have been chipped away by the Patriot Act, thousands of people's voices and opinions have been ignored for the sake of "patriotism"... The cause, in theory, may be somewhat just. Getting rid of nasty dictators is an understandable goal. But there are more, and worse ones, than Saddam. And if we get rid of him, are we going to go after the others? Or are we playing the world bully just this once, just because we can? What is this going to achieve?

Grrrrrrr. I do not like this at all. Not one bit. Not even a smidgen of a bit.

*sigh*

Damn it all.

Track was fun today. We went for about a 3 mile run... It was raining lightly when we started... After awhile it was raining harder... And by the time I was half-way back, it was pouring. I got drenched... But it was a nice run anyways.

Yay for my new running shoes! I ran today, and my legs felt fine... My knees ached a little bit, but it was nohting compared to the shooting pains I had in my hips/legs/feet last week.

In other news, my computer is the spawn of Satan. Okay, so it's actually my fault... I should have saved more often. But still, was it really neccessary for the computer to freexe up at 1 am, just as I was about to print my paper? Couldn't it have waited just a little longer? Apparently not... Which is why I got to stay up until almost 2:30 am rewriting the last quarter of my Song of Solomon paper. Gah... At least I got it done, though. I even managed to function pretty well today, despite my minimal amount of sleep. And now my father is considering getting a new computer, since this one has been acting up a lot recently. So all's well that ends well, I suppose... Which is a rather optimistic attitude considering this quiz result:


Its all about darkness. Sorrow and pain seem to
follow you. Things are always at their worst


What's it all about?
brought to you by Quizilla

If that little ray of sunshine doesn't make you feel happy and inspired, I don't know what will.

Dammit, these online chem quizzes shall be the death of me! Grrr...

It's beautiful outside. Warm, fairly sunny, birds chirping happily... And I don't get to enjoy it at all. In a few hours, I have to go to the choir concert from hell; after that I get to come home and work on my AP Lit paper. I also need to go for at least a short run to try to break in my new shoes... Hopefully they'll prove to be miracle workers and make the pain go away. Then again, probably not... Oh well.

Mama Cat posted a quiz result in my honor; I feel quite loved. So now I shall post quiz results as well...


you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is the one she posted in my honor. Not 100% sure why, though I did almost buy a Happy Bunny shirt once while we were shopping... Anyways, I like it.


Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm. Utterly irresistable? Hmmmm. Well, if nothing else, quizzes like this boost my self-esteem a tiny bit...

Well, there goes another evening. I should scurry off to bed soon... And no, I did not work on my Lit paper. Nor did I work on my AP Chem homework. Yes, they are both due Monday. Yes, I am procrastinating. Booyah.

Given all the crap I've been getting from people *coughquizbowlguyscough* about my (very very mild and what I thought rather inoffensive) PDA's, this seemed rather appropriate...


cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ah, blast. A perfectly good grumpy, self-pitying mood destroyed in a one fell swoop by a simple (yet incredibly thoughtful) gesture. Darn it... And I had finally reached that balanced state of being fine with the situation on the outside while being secretly disgruntled... Hmph. Seriously, though... I'm surprised, since he really doesn't get to see them often anymore (which is why I scolded myself for being slightly upset in the first place); I'm also happy, because, well... Do I really need to explan that one?

Other reasons for joy: I found sources for my Lit paper! Yay! I have the required five! Now I just need to finish writing the damned thing! Boo! But at least I have until Monday... Which means I'm going to keep getting distracted by various things - the book I'm reading, my email, music, the ceiling over my bed... anything and everything, really - and not get it done early. Ah, speaking of distractions... Quiz time!


You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ooh, evil or arrogant. That doesn't sound too good. But I do smirk... I think I do sometimes, anyways. Not really sure. It wouldn't surprise me if I did.

Hmm. I'm about to start rambling... Must stop... I'm bound to say something I shouldn't. Darn Freudian free association, or whatever it's called... Must go do chores and then force myself to do homework. Yay...

My body seems to be dead set on letting me know that it does not want to run. Just about everything from my waist down hurts... Hips, knees, and ankles are all pretty bad, as are my shins... My leg muscles hurt in general, and now my feet hurt... The outside part, not the arch... I don't know how to explain it, it's much easier to point and say, "This hurts"... But yeah, it all hurts. Gah.

In the course of 2 days, I have become very attached to So Long, Astoria... The 4th song in particular...

I got your letter and the poetry you sent me,
Postmarked in December of last year.
I really hope you're doing better,
All your friends close by your side...
One step closer to recovery.


I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page that you've been through,
Even though it's not my place to save you.
I appreciate but can't accept
This thank you note that's sealed with your last breath...
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up.

If you'll just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have.
If you'll just hold on, just hold on...

These arms remain stretched out to you.
Maybe someday you'll accept them,
Or maybe it's too late
To save a young girl's heart
That's long stopped beating.

Wake up, wake up, you've gotta believe...
Wake up, wake up, you can't give up...
Time keeps going on without us,
Long after we're dead and gone.

I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page that you've been through,
Even though it's not my place to save you.
I appreciate but can't accept
This thank you note that's sealed with your last breath...
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up.

If you'll just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have.
If you'll just hold on, just hold on...
You will wake up tomorrow.

- The Ataris, My Reply

So yes, I've fallen in love with the song... It seems to be a good response to my overall mood of this past week... I just need to "hold on"...

Moving on... I've decided I'm rather temperamental. *Every person who has ever met Jen stares at her with an 'Uh, duh expression* Okay, okay... So yeah, it's pretty obvious that I'm very temperamental. But I was thinking about something else today, about the way I act when I'm upset... I'm not sure how to say it. Fickle? Contradictory? Uncertain? Variable? I can't think of a word that seems quite right. But what it comes down to is this: When I'm upset, I always think I want people to ask me what's wrong, to try to comfort me, and so on. But as soon as someone tries to do so, I lash out at them, or at the very least, don't appreciate it much. So what is it in that split second - the time in which I go from being ignored to being consoled - that changes my mind? I suppose it could be some sort of idealistic thing... The consolation I desire is not the same as what they offer. But I usually lash out immediately, before they even have a chance... So that doesn't quite work. Hmm. This is somewhat frustrating.

And now more song lyrics, just because...

If I die tomorrow, would this song live on forever?
Here is my unopened letter to a world
That never shall reply...

From this second story window,
I can hear the church bells calling out my name.
This table is set for one...
Even angels would be homesick in this forsaken town.

On random notes of parchment,
I'm scrawling my existence,
Dressed in white.
This candle radiates throughout the night,
And it's never burning out.

From this second story window,
I can hear the children down on Main Street.
They're singing their songs tonight...
In the shadows I will listen to their every movement.

Mr. Higginson, am I not good enough for the world?
Am I destined only to die the same what that I lived?
In seclusion...

From high upon this mountain,
I can almost see your lonely windowsill...
They'll carry you off tonight.
There's a ghost in your old bedroom,
And a candle burning bright.

If I die tomorrow,
Would this song live on forever?

- The Ataris, Unopened Letter to the World

I had another meltdown today... Had a massive headache, was frustrated over my Song of Solomon essay (or lack thereof), and was really, really mad with the number i. Damn complex numbers and difference equations... I finally found where I screwed up (a sign error, of all things!), but by then my stress level was insane and I had cried. I feel bad for my math teacher - I've been coming into 8th hour in a nasty mood more and more often. Hopefully switching seats in Lit will ease some of the frustration in that class, but I doubt it. Sure, we're done with Morrison (who my classmates loathe), but now we've got Oedipus. And I'm pretty sure that's not going to go very well... Mainly because nothing in that class has gone very well this entire year. You know it's bad when you adore English but you almost dread going to English class... And it's not the teacher's fault, really. I like her a lot, and I feel bad for her - it's her 1st year, and she got stuck with a class from hell - but I just wish things would go a bit smoother. I don't know; I think WFC spoiled me. Actually, I know it did. Cool people who actually want to discuss the book they're reading? People who actual READ the book? No way!

*sigh* Yeah, so that sucks. Most of reality is sucky at the moment, I think. I have a strong urge to lie on my bed and just read. I started Lirael last night. It's by Garth Nix, and it's the sequel to Sabriel. It's rather good so far... And as soon as I finish it, I have the latest one in the series, Abhorsen, to start. Mmmm. Lovely. So yes, I am rather tempted to curl up with my book and ignore the real world, with it's essays to write, grandmothers to visit, practices to attend, chemistry to study, and whatnot. But I know that I can't... Well, I could, but I won't let myself... Have to do my homework, be the model student and that sort of thing...

I am really looking forward to California. I know it's over a month away, but if I'm still in this slump, it may be just the thing to get me out of it. Then again, maybe not... But a girl can dream, can't she?

I finally played Resident Evil tonight... (One of my friends has been trying to get me to come over and play it for the past few weeks)... And guess what? I sucked. Yep. This came as no big surprise to me. I'm pretty good at things like Tetris, I can hold my own in fighting games, and I'm alright at stuff like Tony Hawk, but hand me a controller and say, "Hey, try this 1st person style game, or maybe this RPG," and I'm likely to get my butt kicked. I've tried playing Tomb Raider too... That also was a failure after the 1st few levels. So yeah, I play some R.E., show off my complete lack of coordination, and get killed by a zombie. Yay.

On the plus side, I have a copy of The Ataris' So Long, Astoria now, and it's really good. So I guess it all evens out.

Today was interesting... Don't really want to get into the details, but it started out so-so, went downhill, and then finally improved. I feel a lot better than I did last night, which is good. Yay for skipping choir to mope/cry/talk... It really did help, I think.

This quiz result fits the attitude I had earlier today perfectly...

You are: The Pessimist!!
Are you depressed? Of course! But why not, with all
the bad things in the world nowadays. But worry
not, things will look up eventually...but your
attitude might not. Just go with the flow, and
you'll end up alright...as long as that damn
raincloud stops following your every move!


Which Personality Type are you?
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Now onto the handful of Weezer quizzes I stumbled across...


The Blue Album


Which Weezer album are you?
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Pinkerton


Which Weezer album are you?
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Apparently I'm a Blue Album - Pinkerton hybrid or something... Rock. Those are my 2 favorite =W= albums, so I'm fine with that.

Then there's this result, which made me happy...

ONLY IN DREAMS. Congratulations...you were with
weezer from the beginning and obviously think
for yourself on what stuff your gonna like.
Your worthy of the masterpiece.


What Weezer song are you?
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I love this song, and I am now filled with an urge to listen to it nonstop. If you have never heard this song, I command you to download it now, or find a friend who has the Blue Album... Do something, just listen to the song. It's wonderful.

And that little semi-rant is a great segue into this...


OBSESSED


How Big of a Weezer Fan Are You?
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Ah, so what. I still say you can never have too many Weezer shirts...

Okay, enough of this... I will now stop procrastinating and go do my homework. Yipee.

This blog can be a double-edged sword. Sometimes I'll write something and the right person will read it, allowing me to be confrontational in a completely nonconfrontational manner. Other times I'll write something, write what I'm thinking, and never even think about how people will take it or respond to it. When I write it, even when I reread it or post it, everything is fine, and I feel better. Then someone else reads it, and even if they never talk to me about it, something goes awry. This seems to be the latter of the two. Dammit.

Parts of this song seem oddly appropriate right now:

I wish it didn't hurt, hurt like this,
To say these things to you.
I'll sacrifice one moment
For one truth.


If we get through tomorrow,
Then we'll be fine.
We'll wait for forever
And see how close we get.

It's just another day,
One more chance to get this right.
I'll sacrifice forever,
Please, just for tonight.

If we get through tomorrow,
Then we'll be fine.
We'll wait for forever
And see how close we get.

The worst is over for now.
Take a breath,
Now let it out.

- Finch, Post Script

Wanted: A new self to live up to the ideal that I have in my mind.

When I initially figured it out, what she was doing to herself, what her snail would be about, and all that, I think I was stunned. I know I was worried, maybe even afraid. I felt helpless, unsure... You know, all those emotions that spring up when a friend's in trouble and you know that there's not a whole hell of a lot that you can actually do about it, no matter how much you may want to help. The result? Poetry. Yup. Because when I don't have a damned clue of what to do but I need to do something, I tend to do one of 3 things: babble mindlessly to someone, cry, or write. I was too stunned to do either of the first 2, so that left the last one. So in a few minutes I had jotted off a little poem that yes, sucks, yes, is somewhat depressing, yes, would worry some people (but I'll post it anyway, society and people's anxiety and whatnot be damned), and yes, sums up the way I felt right then.

She cuts.
And so I worry about her.
Worry that one day the knife will go too deep.

She cuts.
And so I fear for her.
Fear that her scars will never heal.

She cuts.
And so I cry for her.
Cry because I am weak.

She cuts.
And so I want to die for her.
Die to stop her misery.

Okay, yeah, that's that. Trite? Most likely. Pretty crappy? Quite possibly. Either way, I came across it today and reread it. I wrote it about 2 weeks ago. Since then, I've received her letter and read it. It's taken me awhile - after I read it, I went back into my stunned stage and basically avoided anything resembling actual thinking for the rest of the day - but I think I can say this now...

On some level, I get it. It seems with every passing day I understand a little more. Do I worry about her? God yes. But that doesn't mean I don't share some of the same thoughts, that I don't know where she's coming from. I've never gotten to the point where I actually did it. Still, I know that more than once the idea flitted through my mind. Will I ever do it? I doubt it, especially now that I'm watching (well, reading about) her as she deals with it. I know that it doesn't really do anything, that it doesn't achieve anything... And I also know that in some way it may help. In psych we learned about venting your anger - catharsis. You feel better after you vent, sometimes. You calm down. I think that maybe cutting is similar in some way. Of course, if you vent too much, you just reinforce the anger and it becomes a vicious cycle...

Nonetheless, I have begun to comprehend. Who doesn't want to be able to have some control over an aspect of their lives when everything seems amazingly screwed up? Who doesn't want to try to release their pain in some way, to try to cleanse their souls in an attempt to survive?

The fact that I understand makes some things a bit easier - it allows me to be calmer about the issue, to be a good friend and try to help without panicking. It also makes some things a bit harder. Because it scares me that I understand, just as it scared me when I learned that she did it. I'm not entirely sure why, but when I think about it... I don't know how to describe it. It's like having a hole where my stomach should be, or something. It's not exactly nausea or pain... It's just a feeling that's there. I don't know.

I have tried for as long as I can remember to live up to the ideal that I hold in my mind. The ideal of who I should be, how I should act, the level of perfection that I should be able to achieve. The level that I must achieve. No one's pressured me any more than they pressure any "talented and gifted" student. I have pressured myself. I have been hard on myself; I am still hard on myself. I expect things of myself that I would never expect of anyone else (with the exception of perhaps one person, who, for some reason, I hold to a similar standard...). I berate myself, sometimes hate myself... The results of which are not pretty.

Physically, I am fine. No wounds besides a few cat scratches and bruises from my clumsiness. Emotionally, I am often a wreck. I have tried to maintain a balance, to stay sane, to be content... And more often than not, it seems that I fail. And I think that in some way, I cut myself as well... I slice at myself from the inside, ripping myself apart with my thoughts and words. Crying is nothing for me. I have cried so hard and so often that the novelty of it is gone. It does not offer the same relief it used to. I used to be able to cry and then move on. That is rarer now... I continue to mull over things, to relive them and kick myself for them long after I have washed the streaked mascara from my face. I can't just let go and live my life. I don't know why... The importance of every minor thing seems amplified, intensified, magnified... Sometimes it just feels so heavy that I can't bear it... But I don't know what to do about it.

I wish I could say that acknowledging and realizing all of this meant that I knew what to do. It doesn't. Understanding the symptoms gets me no closer to a cure than before. It just gives me something to think about in the middle of the night.

Choir class today was rather interesting... As usual, we were singing one of our wonderful religious songs (In case you didn't know, there are are 3 general types of choral music: religious, sappily inspirational, and everything else), and the director apparently didn't think we were getting into enough. He said something along the lines of: "C'mon, people! You're seeing about His great deeds! Show some emotion! I don't think there are any atheists in here!" As soon as those words left his mouth, I couldn't help it. One of my friends glanced at me, and we both started cracking up. I couldn't sing for the rest of the song... I was just too amused. I think he noticed our reaction, because he added that "even if you are an atheist, you can fake it," or some such thing. The whole incident just reminded me how very undiverse (Is that a word? How about nondiverse? Lacking in diversity?) my town is. True, I'm not exactly an atheist - I'm agnostic. Probably an agnostic theist, if you want to get really picky. I believe that there's probably some sort of higher power or creator, but I don't have the slightest clue what it is or what it wants from me. If my 2 options were Christianity and atheism, I have a feeling I'd go with atheism... But that's not the point. The point is I can't wait to live somewhere where it's not just assumed that you're a Christian, a place where religious discussions rarely end in "Well, you're wrong and you're going to Hell," a place where more than a handful of people believe that you're not an evil, unmoral heathen just because you don't go to church and you're pretty liberal.

Okay. I feel better with that out off of my chest... Moving along.

We ran time trials today in track. I ran the 400m (Yay for mid-distance slackers!), and I sucked. 1:19. Blech.

I just retook the "What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?" quiz. Once again, it said I was a perfect girlfriend. I think there's a bug in the program. Right now I feel much more like a heinous bitch. Okay, maybe not that bad. But trust me, I feel very, very, very far from perfect.

There's not an option on Imood for my current state of mind... Which would be a mix of self-loathing, frustration, pride, annoyance, regret, and god knows what else. It's oh so much fun... I don't even know what I want or what I want to say. Rar.

Oh... This is rather comforting....

Your a BITCH, you like your woman-hood and are not
afraid to show your true self no matter the
cost !_!


Are you really a Bitch?
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Joy. This makes me feel better... Uh-huh... My mood has just sky-rocketed. (If you cannot detect sarcasm in that, please allow yourself to be drug out the closest street and shot...)

And then there's this, just because:

Your feet are firmly rooted in reality, but you're
still a little too over-eager when it comes to
finding out what other people think of your
mind. You'll probably be fine, but watch your
step, as it's a slippery slope if you stray too
far from the path.


How obsessed with Quizzes are you?
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And now I think I will run away to alternate between sulking and berating myself. Gee, aren't mood swings just tons of fun?!

Let it be known that I am easily amused. That said, if you like Harry Potter (or even if you don't- it doesn't matter!), check this out: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (Crude Stick Figure Version). I found it pretty funny, especially with the random chorus of Slytherins popping up everywhere. Hehe.

Tralala, off to finish up the massively long email to my liminal women.

Yay for quiz bowl again! We did indeed move onto the next level, and of all the 2nd place teams we got the most overall points! La!

Yay for quiz bowl! We took 2nd place at the tournement (Oooh, we got money... Too bad we won't get to benefit from it, since quiz bowl will most likely not exist next year....), and may move on to the next level... *crosses fingers and hopes the team gets a wild card spot* Either way, we did a good job. And we got a plaque and medals. Ooooooooh....

Though I swear my allegiance to Blogger, the idea of DeadJournal is rather interesting to me... Sorry, it's my random depressed side showing through... The attitude of the site appeals to me much more than LiveJournal does... Never fear, Blogger, I love you and I'll stay true.

Nonetheless...


Cheer up emo kid. Go grab some tissues, some ice
cream, and cuddle up with Further Seems
Forever. Depression is hard to cope with, but
it happens to the best of us.


What DeadJournal Icon Are You?
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One of these days, I swear, I will rid myself of the emo image. Then again, probably not. Further Seems Forever does sound rather nice at the moment...


You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)


What's YOUR Writing Style?
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Yay. And this, my friends, is why my short story did not make it into last year's literary magazine... (Go censorship and overly-worried assistant principals! Way to cut out the handful of interesting pieces we had and preserve the fluff! Erm... Sorry, momentary relapse into my bitter "I can't believe those bastards" mood from last spring....)

Oh yes. Speaking of my school's oh-so-wonderful literary publishings... WARNING: Rant coming!
We don't have a literary magazine this year (Again, yay for budget cuts, etc), so that leaves us with the school newspaper. Dear god. The latest issue came out this week. I decided to idle away my study hall by reading it. Big mistake. Big, big, big mistake. A somewhat anal-retentive person who is considering going into editing should not be exposed to my school's paper. Since I am more than somewhat anal-retentive... Well, let's just say the results weren't pretty. I was very tempted to grab a red pen from my bag and go on a massive editing spree. Then I realized that that task would take ages, and I just don't have that sort of free time on my hands. Besides, it would only eliminate half of the problem... I think I could cope with the poor grammar, spelling, and editing if the articles were worth reading. But they're not - they're annoying, pointless, poorly written... Augh! It pains me to think about it. The editorals alone made me cringe. Though I suppose it wasn't as bad as the issue before this... That featured a little editorial-style note about the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade in the news overview sidebar... In a few sentences, the idea of having an unbiased media was completely destroyed... And one of this issue's editorals picked up right where it left off. Gah, gah, gah... At least it was appropriately labeled as an editoral this time...

And now before I crawl off to bed, I leave you with one last quiz to show that I'm not completely dark, depressive, sarcastic, and cynical...


You are an IDEALISTIC VIRGIN.


What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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Yay for idealism and fantasy.