I'm going to bed soon. This will be the earliest I've gone to bed in quite some time... Am I going to bed because I have nothing else to do? Definately not. I have plenty to do. Too much to do. Gah. And I also have a headache. Blech.

I feel incredibly behind right now. It's not bad enough to be super-stressed about, but I do feel kind of guilty. I've let myself get distracted too much lately. That's bad... Starting tomorrow, less distractions. This means I'll probably end up spending a decent amount of time sitting in some secluded corner of McCabe... But if that's what it takes for me to work more efficiently, then so be it.

I managed to hurt my shoulder in aikido class tonight while doing a back roll. Yay for my complete lack of coordination, and then a nice "ow" for good measure. I ended up sitting out the last half or so of class with an ice pack on my shoulder. The irony is that by injuring myself I got out of getting injured by other people... The class learned this new technique today, this wrist twisting/tweaking sort of thing that apparently hurts quite a lot. So yeah... Not so sorry I missed out on that.

Other than my minor injury, today has been good. I got my history quiz back, and I did much better than I had expected. I also managed to ward off sleep after lunch for a good 4 hours, so I actually got some work done. Now I'm not as behind in my history reading. Woohoo.

I am, however, very behind in replying to emails. So I'm going to go make some progress on that...

The Guster concert was absolutely amazing... It was general admission, and Chase and I got reasonably close, so it was really great. I had a blast. Before the concert we went South Street... Had huge slices of yummy, greasy pizza from a little hole-in-the-wall place, then went to this bookstore that had a cat. The cat's name was Earl Grey, and it was very nice... I finally got my cat fix in, which made me rather giddy.

The concert ended around 11, but we didn't get back to Swat until almost 1... We just missed the last train back, so we had to take the subway and then the bus. But we got back... I finally went to sleep sometime around 3 or later... Woke up around 10:30, then went back to sleep, and just got out of bed again about half an hour ago. Yay.

I shall now spend the rest of the day working on my history paper, I believe.

So, the question of the moment is: what does it mean when you say “I love you”? What is love anyway?

Also, I’ve always maintained that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. The question then arises… What is the difference between the two?

These thoughts and questions are swirling around in my mind as I ignore my own advice ("There's no need to second guess things... Let them stand as they are, let the memories be what they are") and try to put my finger on something that I just can’t quite figure out.

If anyone has any insights, ideas, thoughts, suggestions, etc that they’d like to share, that would be swell.

Going into Philadelphia later today... Going to go see Guster in concert, yay! Chase and I are going...

Which reminds me... Chase officially has the time slot after me on WSRN. I will be on from 2 to 3 am, and then Chase will rule the airwaves from 3 to 4 am. This is cool, because it means Chase will hang out with me during my show (and laugh when I sing at the top of my lungs, and call me an "emo girl" for my choices in music), and it also means that I don't have to fetch the key before going up to Parrish, nor do I have to lock up... This saves me time, which means I may get a little more sleep than I would otherwise. La!

I watched the BBC miniseries of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere last night... The series actually came before the book. The plot is exactly the same, but the book is much better... The book feels a bit darker, and Gaiman's descriptions outdo anything that BBC could ever hope to create in the real world. Still, it was a fun 3 hours.

It's an odd, and somewhat bad, feeling when you begin to think that something someone said -- something you disagreed with, something you shook your head at and denied as you claimed your feelings were truer than that -- may actually be true. It's a shock to your system... Like fighting a disease that you know is probably stronger than you, but not wanting to just give up and admit defeat. *sigh*

It's almost noon now... I must go and be productive.

Radio show last night went rather well, I think... No major problems... And I know at least Marci, Jonathan, and Claudia caught bits and pieces of it. So I feel loved, yay! If you didn't listen (tsk tsk), here's what you missed (* indicates a song from a playlist CD):

Taking Back Sunday: Cute Without the E
*Belle and Sebastian: I’m a Cuckoo
Dashboard Confessional: So Beautiful
Radiohead: 2+2=5
*The New Pornographers: The Laws Have Changed
The Ataris: My Reply
Tori Amos: Winter
*Mojave 3: Starlight No. 1
Jeff Buckley: Eternal Life
*Pixies: Here Comes Your Man
Jimmy Eat World: Get it Faster
*Granddaddy: Now it’s On
Poe: Could’ve Gone Mad
Weezer: Only in Dreams

If those songs sound appealing to you, listen to my show. That's an order, dammit! (Actually, it's just a forceful request... But still...)

It's nice to get things out in the open and talk about stuff... Even if it's a rather awkward process. And it's been dealt with now, so we can all go on with our lives. Or that's the theory, anyway. We shall see if it actually happens...

Didn't end up watching the movie... Hung out with people in the hall and ate cake instead. Yummy chocolate birthday cake for Aatish's 18th birthday. We sat in his room for a good 20 minutes, waiting for him to come back from campus... It was worth it, though... We freaked him out a bit, and then it was all fun and games after that. It was a sheet cake that his parents ordered from dining services... A really big sheet cake. Aatish kept on forcing more pieces on people until they absolutely had to refuse for fear of being sick. Half the dorm wandered in and got some as well... And there's still some left. Breakfast, anyone?

I finished my English paper on St. Augustine's Confessions. Woohoo. Now on to the rest of my work... If I get enough done by 9:30, I'm going to reward myself by watching Kiki's Delivery Service... Yay for random movies being shown in the ML lounge. It's great fun.

I don't have to be patient anymore... That, among other things, is making me rather happy at the moment.

I got this from Mama Cat's Livejournal... It made me laugh...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three
finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women take things seriously. Don't mess with them.

I'm addicted to all of Dashboard Confessional's latest CD, A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar... But I'm super-addicted to tracks 3, 10, and 11... "As Lovers Go," "So Beautiful," and "Hey Girl," respectively. This means that it's time to post some lyrics...

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin'... This feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"

"No, you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."
I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear,
I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"
I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear,
I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

-- "As Lovers Go" by Dashboard Confessional

While things are not ideal, a manageable arrangement has been reached. And yeah... It's really rather nice. Okay, it's very nice. I'm very happy. Right now it's sort of a semantics issue... And I think I can deal with that. I have to deal with that.

This is all reinforcing the fact that I am not a patient person. Not at all. Gah...

"There's no need to second guess things... Let them stand as they are, let the memories be what they are, and let this friendship be what it will be."

Talking over IM just now has made me really think about the friends I've made here at Swat so far... In some ways it reminds me a lot of WFC. I can't really imagine what it would be like to not have Claudia to talk to. And now it's hard to imagine daily life without Marci, Chase, Matt, Nell, all of ML 1st, and so on...

Why am I still awake? I was tired before, but now I'm not really... Just a bit weary. Though I need sleep... I have a lot of work to do... But these converstations I'm having are very interesting. So I shall stay awake even longer, and suffer for it later on. Such is life.

Well. That didn't go exactly as I had planned. Then again, I hadn't planned anything, really. Anyway, I just had a very awkward conversation. I feel sort of bad, but at least I know I did it as nicely as possible. It had to be done, and now I can go on with my life.

Went to Philadelphia... Wandered through the art museum, visited the Rodin museum as well... It was fun, but I was a bit preoccupied, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I perhaps would have. However, the issue that was worrying me has been resolved as much as it can at the moment. Now I just have to be patient. *twiddles thumbs for a week or two* Too bad I'm horrible at being patient.

I just saw the best music video ever. Someone took footage from Cowboy Bebop and put it to Weezer's "Only in Dreams"... Oh my god. It was insanely well done and amazing. Wow.

Went to a concert tonight... The opening band wasn't that great, but the other 2 acts (Rebecca Gates and Ted Leo) were both really good.

I'm going into Philadelphia tomorrow... Woohoo. Going to check out the Rodin Museum, hopefully... Not sure what else I'll end up doing. It should be fun though. And it delays the starting of the massive pile of work that I should be doing. That's probably not a good thing, but it'll all turn out okay. That's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway.

I should go sleep now.

Oh man. My radio show can only improve... Last night was a slew of technical difficulties. CD 2 was down and CD 1 was highly tempermental. That left me with the auxillary CD player, which is really just a boombox plugged into the sound board. So there was wonderful lag time between almost every song. And there were some issues with getting the program log pulled up on the computer as well... Finally, it seemed that everything was cooperating around 2:30. I was about to take out the Guster CD and stick something else in, when all of the sudden... Complete darkness. Yeah. The power went out. I just started laughing, because the whole thing was so abusrd. Luckily I had a flashlight with me, so I managed to close up the station and lock up, returned the key to the security place, and wandered back to my dorm to get about 4 hours of sleep.

On the plus side, that was really all Isabel did... We didn't even have very much rain. Just some wind that knocked down some tree limbs and such. Woohoo.

The coffee I drank this morning helped me make it through my history class without too much trouble... But it wore off by the time I got to philosophy. So that was interesting today... It was even harder to follow then usual. Eventually I gave up trying, and just sort of sat there. At least I didn't fall asleep... No, I managed to wait until after lunch to take my nap. And now I'm much more awake and ready to do something. Don't know what that something is, though...

Confusion has been dealt with, and I am happy. There are still a few things to deal with, but I feel like I have an idea where everything is going, which just makes everything so much easier to take.

Bad news: the weather is yucky. I don't want Isabel to rear her ugly head here. Shoo, hurricane... You're not wanted here. Especially when I have to trek to and from campus in the wee hours for my radio show.

I came back to the dorm in between classes with the intention of my English paper. So I'm sitting at the computer, my notes are right next to me, and I have a general idea of where I want to go with the paper... And I can't stay focused at all. Gah. It's very annoying.

On the plus side, the paper isn't due until Tuesday, so I can procrastinate a little bit without getting myself into too much trouble.

Optimistic outlook for the day: what happened actually was a good thing... We'll be better off as friends, I think. He is a really nice guy and very cool and such, but I don't know if there's enough there to keep an actual relationship going. And this belated insight shows the error in being swayed too much by the fact that someone is amazingly attractive... An error that I will admit to making.

So I'm pretty sure I know where I stand with one person... But this other one? Total confusion. I don't know if I've ever recieved this many mixed signals in my life. I suppose I could attack the problem head-on... But after feeling a little dose of (expected) rejection earlier today, do I really want to open myself up to more? Not really. But at the same time, this is really rather annoying. Because I have really very little idea of what I should be doing or how I should handle the situation.

Why is this so hard?

This quiz seems rather appropriate at the moment...

The type of ex I am is:

a m b i v a l e n t

I still have feelings for my ex, but I realize that we do not work as a couple and thus should be broken up. I will get over my ex eventually.

what type of ex are you? | mewing.net. 'EX'cellent. HA.

Things I have discovered: naps make everything seem somewhat better, and reading about a man's opium-induced dreams can distract you from thinking about much of anything else.

Also, while I am somewhat disappointed, I cannot say that I am dejected... To be honest, I'm not at all surprised by the outcome of all of this. That's somewhat sad, but it's just the way it goes. And anyway... A quality friendship and interesting philosophical discussions are not to be looked down upon, even if something more was desired.

I suppose it's good to know where you stand, even if you're not happy about the stance. Still... Dammit. Though my fate is not entirely sealed, this particular prospect looks bleak.

On the plus side, I have the new Saves the Day CD. Perhaps not as good as their last, but still rather good, especially if one is feeling inclined to mope a little bit. Which I kind of am, at the moment. Or I could distract myself with my homework. Probably the better option, but much harder to motivate myself to do. Ah well.

Completely surreal experience: talking to an ex about a current possible romantic interest. The really cool thing about it is that it's really not all that awkward... It's just like talking to any other friend, which makes me so happy that it's unbelievable.

I'm listening to WSRN as I work on my English... And Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley came on. I hadn't heard it for awhile, but it's a wonderful song.

This is our last goodbye...
I hate to feel the love between us die,
But it's over.
Just hear this and then I'll go...
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

This is our last embrace.
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me...
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry...
This is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying, "Maybe you didn't know him at all,
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know."

Well, the bells out in the church chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over...
It's over.

God, I love that song. It's so beautiful, especially when the violin comes in.

So apparently I'm amazingly obvious. Good to know.

Tonight was very fun... All sorts of people came into my room, we just talked about stuff (mostly relationships and such) for awhile, and then my RA suggested we get pizza... So we found the only place open and willing to deliver at 1 am, and we had yummy cheese pizza. Mmm.

ML 1st is an awesome hall... I know when I first got my housing info, I was a little unsure... 15 minute walk, and all that... But now I wouldn't trade my room, my hall, and my dorm for anything.

I should probably kick myself for slipping back into what will most likely prove to be false hope, but... It's so hard to not yield to the temptation when presented with such an easy opportunity.

Small schedule change. My radio show is now going to start at 2 am on Fridays... Seems the people with the show before me decided to opt out or something. Anyways, now I have the option of going from 2 to 3 am if I'm sleepy, or going the whole 2 hours until 4 am if I feel energetic. Coolness.

Forget the freshman 15. I've got the freshman -5 going on.

I don't have access to a scale, so I can't be sure of the exact amount, but I'm pretty sure I've lost weight. Right now, the pants I'm wearing are percariously hanging on by my hips. I think it's because I'm basically eating just 3 meals a day, with no snacks (except for the occasional Twizzlers provided by Matt)... Combine that with the extra walking I've been doing, and viola! Instant diet.

Tonight was fun... I managed to get all of *last* week's history reading done. Okay, that part wasn't that fun... But after that, I wandered out into the hall and was hanging out with some people. One girl and I ended up having a lengthy discussion about protests, politics, various civil issues, religion, and other things. It rocked... If there's one thing I absolutely adore about college, it's the people and the conversations I have with them.

After that, our little party of two was crashed, and things got much less serious... I think I have laughed more in my few weeks here than I have in a very long time. It's a really great feeling.

Anyway... It's nearing 3 am... I should probably go to bed, since I have some work I need to do tomorrow... Like trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing for my English paper.

I officially have a radio show! I'm excited, but this also means that I'm going to be massively out of it on Friday mornings... Why, you ask. Because my show if from 3 to 4 am. I am the last shift; I get to close up shop all by myself. Yeah. And it's way up on the 5th floor of Parrish, which is pretty far from ML. So yes, I'm going to be putting my trust in the safety of Swarthmore in the wee hours for the rest of the semester.

Anyway. For anyone in the actual broadcasting area of WSRN, it's at 91.5 fm. For those of you with an Internet connection and a strange desire to not sleep, you can check out the web broadcast. Broadcasting starts at 8 am on Monday morning.

I went to a College Bowl meeting/practice... I have decided that I'm not going to do it. Quiz bowl in high school was fun because of all the hilarity that randomly ensued due to the mix of people. This practice was much more focused, and really rather boring... So that makes 2 activites that I've officially decided to not do. Woohoo.

Paco has been returned! There was some turmoil on the hall (sleep deprivation and homework result in grumpiness), but I believe it's been resolved. Yay.

My toe really hurts when I bend it... And it looks a bit swollen and bruised. Not too bad though, so I don't think I broke it or anything.

We got the Koosh back... And then there were a bunch of people in my room talking and hanging out and such (which is why Marci and I were up so late... We both tried to do work after that... *yawn*). Soon after everyone left, I noticed that Paco was again missing. He is still missing. At this point, I'm tempted to chain the poor creature down so he'll be left in peace. That's assuming, of course, that he turns up.

The Koosh was stolen again, while Marci and I were occupied with saving Paco. The bastards, have they no sense of decency? In the midst of the battle, I got a bit banged up... My toe hurts quite a bit. Ouchie.

And so the search continues...

So the back of my mind has been trying to sort out this Frisbee issue while I've been working on history... (Yes, more history. I did all of last week's work, now I just have this week's. Woohoo). Right now all I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to go to practice. I did have some fun yesterday, but I also came to the realization that as the season progresses, the aspects I enjoy will most likely decrease and the things I dislike will increase. It's similar to the last 2 seasons of track... I didn't mind practice that much, because I enjoyed hanging out with the people on the team... But I always hated meets and actual competitions. I like to play Frisbee with the distance runners and with my friends, because it doesn't count for anything... It's just for fun. And while Ultimate here is a club, rather than varsity, sport, I'm definately getting a more serious vibe. Yes, they say it's great fun and all that, but they also say they play to win.

I think all I'm really trying to do is justify the fact that I'm a lazy bum who'd rather read and nap than run around in cleats. Nonetheless, it's the truth... And I shouldn't let myself be persuaded to do something that I really don't want to do. On that note, I'm going to say "Screw practice," and fall asleep while reading more history.

I spent a lot of my time in high school over-extending myself. Do I really want to do that here at college?

In plain English: Do I want to play Frisbee or not? Yes, it's fun. But it is a 2 hour time commitment on 3 or 4 days each week, plus stuff on weekends. There are other things I'm doing that require my time as well, along with homework... And really, the homework is just starting. My first English paper is approaching, history entails a lot more reading time than Latin did, and philosophy is probably going to be getting more intense. I like having a social life... I don't want to lose that because I'm dead on my feet -- which is exactly what I am today. I think I'll give Frisbee another practice or 2, but I'm seriously thinking about deciding not to play.

Okay, I said I was going to go read my history... But I reread the email, and it does make sense... And at the same time, I'm completely lost in the how's and why's, and I'm afraid that I'm going to start worrying about it... My mind had come to an understanding with itself, and there is a definate chance that this is going to screw that up beyond belief. Gah. I don't even know what to think or feel right now.

Now I really am going to go read history.

It could be because I'm tired... It could be because I have a massive headache... Or it could be the history I've been reading... (Come to think of it, those are all pretty inter-related anyway)... Whatever the reason, the email didn't make sense to me. I suppose I'll have to reread it and the letter when I'm in a better mental condition. Which could be May, at this rate.

I now get to deal with more history.

I'm so out of shape, even after all the walking around campus and the hike to and from my dorm... Today was my first Frisbee practice. It was fun, but I was definately out of breath by the end. On the up side, my knees didn't hurt too badly...

Off to soak in the tub, then to do homework. Yipee.

I didn't cry when I read it, which I feel is somewhat of an accomplishment. I say somewhat because I wanted to cry, but I didn't... I was walking across campus; not the best place to just break out in tears. But I'm okay now... And I think I'm just going to let it sit in the back of my mind until I have time to process it and deal with it the way it needs to be dealt with... That may be sometime this evening, I'm not sure.

I start Frisbee practice today. This could be very, very interesting. Hopefully not too painful, though. Hopefully. I also turned in my DJ application. *crosses fingers* It would be very cool if I got a spot.

I really need to go do work now. That is, after all, why I came to the library in the first place.

Guster is apparently playing a show in St. Louis on my birthday. Unfortunately, I'll still be at Swat. That would have been an awesome birthday present...

But this is pretty cool as well: monthly periods could be a thing of the past. Whee.

I feel like I should have a little sign that says "Will give hugs for food"... Or at least hugs if you deliver the last piece of your supply of yummy chocolate to my door. Yay for the 4th Matt (as opposed to the other 3 Matts in ML: Matt the Dorm Tech, Matt the 2nd Floor RA, and Matt the SAM).

When I went to dinner tonight, I could have sworn that I had locked the door, but I guess I didn't... When I returned, there was a note on my door demanding ransom for a Koosh ball (which a friend had loaned me), my computer background and screensaver had been changed somewhat, and Paco was MIA. *shakes head* All turned out to be the work of 3 of the guys on my hall. You've got to love them, though.

I'm in the Medieval European history class. Yay! Downside is I have a fair amount of reading to do... The stuff for this week, as well as getting caught up on what I missed yesterday. Blah. But other than that, things are good.

I'm trying to decide if I should take a nap now, and then read tonight, or if I should just go ahead an try to read right now. I think the nap might be winning... (Doesn't it always?)

I'm doing rather well right now, even though I'm a bit tired (due to getting too much sleep, it seems).

Right now the college is gutting the old science building while they work on the new one... This means they have lots of random things that are getting thrown away. Which means that some students are scavenging through the remains and retrieving some cool items. Which explains why I currently have half of a large bulletin board (the other half is in a room in the basement, I believe) and a smaller white board propped up against the wall. My roommate and I are still trying to figure out how to hang them. Another guy in the dorm has a large ring stand he's planning on turning into a coatrack, and then there's the 10-foot long white board in the common room...

I just got back from the activity fair... I had to run away before I allowed myself to be talked into anything else. Basically all the clubs and groups were promoting themselves and had sign-up sheets for info emails. I went willingly to the radio station and one of the literary magazines, and then I was tempted into signing up for Ultimate and SWIL. One of my friends drug me over (quite literally) to the College Bowl table, but I did manage to resist the pleas from the women's rugby team. So yeah. I'll be getting random emails now. And I may or may not do much of anything with some of the organizations. But I figured I'd give them a chance.

It's absolutely gorgeous outside right now... The rest of this week was cool and cloudy and damp, but Friday and the rest of the weekend have been warm and lovely. I'm going to grab my work and head outside.

So I just talked to my Latin teacher about dropping the class. It went very well, and it was pretty painless... Yay. Now I just need to finalize it with my advisor and sign up for a new class. Whee.

This is all very overwhelming. I hadn't even gotten used to the idea myself... I'm not even sure if I had made a decision. But then everything just started to happen, and there wasn't really any way to stop it. Well, I guess there was, but did I want to? I'm not even sure.

I'm so confused right now. I thought it was the right decision, I think it probably is the right decision. But it hurts so much, and I feel so absolutely horrible... And then all the memories of all the amazing, wonderful things come flooding in, and I can't help but cry because I don't want this to happen. But it's happening, and it's too late to stop, we're past the point of no return, and I'm cursing myself for ever mentioning it, no matter how vaugely. Because now that it's happening, I don't know what to do.

This is harder than any other time... Because with them I was basically ready, and I knew that the time had come. But this... This is a technicality of a sorts, where the distance becomes to much, and the pressure just gets to you until you snap, break like the weak little stick-figure you really are, unable to withstand it, unable to be strong and worthy and good enough. And the walk and the soak and the tears and everything are not helping me feel any better. I'm dreading class tomorrow, waking up tomorrow, facing the world, facing reality, answering the phone, and making it official.

Do I want this? I don't know. Do I need this? Maybe. Maybe my brother was right, and maybe my mother is right too. Different experiences, different lives, and all that... People change, and can they change the way they should if a part of them is still rooted in the past, tied down to something else? Do I want to rip those roots up? They can be my safety, a sense of security, a refuge. Or they can be my shackles, weights holding me down. Both are extremes, it is probably not either of the two, but rather a bit of both all the time. I'm not even sure.

All I know is that before I was thinking about how things had changed, how 1000 miles just takes the way things were and warps it, hollows it out, makes it a mere shell of what it was. And now all I can think about is how happy I was, how loved and confident and special I felt. I want that, I don't want to lose that. But is there any way to keep it anymore? Is there any way to make it work? Or is it too far gone? And what of the other thoughts I have, the ones that tell me that this is all for the best? Are they right? If I turn back now, will I regret it? By the same token, will I realize later that it would have been better to just do it, to not drag it out?

I want to curl up in a ball. I want to scream. I want this to all be over. I want a sense of certainty, a confidence that I don't know if I can ever possess. I'm watching as it all slips away, and I don't know if I can handle it. But isn't this what I want?

What do I want? I do still want him. But I want him to be closer. I'm weak; I've gotten used to the constant stream of love and affection and time together. I can't cope with this change. The dynamics of the relationship have been altered. It isn't the same. I don't think it can ever be the same. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it so desperately... It doesn't stop me from wanting to scream out, "Wait! This is all wrong!"

At the same time, reason is telling me that it's right. That this was probably going to happen anyway, so it's better to do it now in a way that preserves the friendship that is so very important to me. Reason is telling me that no matter how much this may hurt, I will feel torn up no matter what the situation is: together (but far apart) or seperated. Neither is a desirable outcome, neither appeals to me in any way, and neither is pleasant. Reason is saying this is a neccessary evil of sorts.

But is my reason reasonable? I can't tell.

We just got a free violin concert from the girl down the hall... She's trying out for the orchestra tomorrow, so we got to be her audition test audience. It was very cool.

I think I've made some sense out of Plato's Apology: Defense of Socrates... The truth, however, shall be revealed tomorrow during class discussion. I may be completely screwed up. But at least I put some thought into it and made an effort.

Speaking of making an effort... I have a Latin quiz tomorrow that I should really study for. Do you know how hard it is to motivate myself to study for a class that I'm probably dropping? But I don't want to blow it off completely on the (unlikely) chance that I end up sticking with it. Gah.

Oh hell. He's a very perceptive boy.

There's a mouse in the dorm. He ate part of my chocolate bar that was in my desk drawer... I'm disgruntled.

I'm nearing a decision... And I hate it. Part of me really doesn't want to do it. Part of me knows that I have to, or I'm completely fall apart and everything will get worse until there's just nothing left to salvage.

I'm considering dropping Latin. I signed up thinking that I would enjoy it. Instead, it's stressing me out. I really don't need that... And I don't need the course, either, as I've already fulfilled my language requirement. I'm thinking about taking a history course instead... Medieval Europe. But I'm not sure yet.

Other than that... Not much to say. I'm not in the best of moods, but my roommate is being absolutely fantastic and soothing and nice and wonderful. Not like she usually isn't, but I still appreciate it greatly -- she has definately cheered me up a bit.

Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself because you started to really mull over something and began to worry, and then it seems that you were reading too far into the situation in the first place, so it turns out you just wasted time and caused yourself unneccessary stress? I do believe that is what I did today... It sucks. On one hand I feel a sense of relief, and then on the other -- strangely enough -- I feel disappointed. It's all quite odd. I told myself I'd stop thinking about it, but it doesn't seemed to have worked. Gah.

I really need to go do my English reading.

Forgot to mention this earlier... On Tuesday, around 5:45 am, the fire alarm went off again. We all stumbled out of bed and stood outside in the cold until it was determined that the alarm was merely spazzing again. At this rate, if there ever IS an actual fire in ML, we're all going to burn up, since we'll be too annoyed with the fire alarm to believe that there's a fire. Hopefully that will never prove to be a problem.

I should go do some homework now. Yay.

It was storming just a few minutes ago... Lightning struck very close by, which did something that made the fire alarm spazz, so we all left are rooms. But it was pouring outside, so we all hung out in the lobby, since there didn't seem to be an actual fire. It's all good now, though. Yipee.

Classes started today. I had Latin and philosophy... Both went pretty well. We started right into Latin, which was slightly overwhelming, mostly because my prof kept jumping around. She touched on pronunciation and then went over to vocab and then back to dipthongs and so on. It was somewhat hard to follow at times, but I think I did okay. Philosophy was very short -- the prof didn't want to talk about our reading or anything until we actually had a chance to read it (fairly logical), and he didn't have much else to say. He fits the socially awkward stereotype of a prof pretty well so far -- he let us out 20 minutes early and just sort of dashed to the door. He seemed pretty cool, regardless.

My door room has been officially nicknamed the "Hardware Store"... One of my hallmates made a sign and everything. It comes from the fact that my mom sent me to college very prepared. Everything people have asked about: lightbulbs, extension cords, a hammer, screwdrivers, and so on, I have had. I feel so very special.

I have to go learn Latin vocab now. Vale.