This is all very overwhelming. I hadn't even gotten used to the idea myself... I'm not even sure if I had made a decision. But then everything just started to happen, and there wasn't really any way to stop it. Well, I guess there was, but did I want to? I'm not even sure.

I'm so confused right now. I thought it was the right decision, I think it probably is the right decision. But it hurts so much, and I feel so absolutely horrible... And then all the memories of all the amazing, wonderful things come flooding in, and I can't help but cry because I don't want this to happen. But it's happening, and it's too late to stop, we're past the point of no return, and I'm cursing myself for ever mentioning it, no matter how vaugely. Because now that it's happening, I don't know what to do.

This is harder than any other time... Because with them I was basically ready, and I knew that the time had come. But this... This is a technicality of a sorts, where the distance becomes to much, and the pressure just gets to you until you snap, break like the weak little stick-figure you really are, unable to withstand it, unable to be strong and worthy and good enough. And the walk and the soak and the tears and everything are not helping me feel any better. I'm dreading class tomorrow, waking up tomorrow, facing the world, facing reality, answering the phone, and making it official.

Do I want this? I don't know. Do I need this? Maybe. Maybe my brother was right, and maybe my mother is right too. Different experiences, different lives, and all that... People change, and can they change the way they should if a part of them is still rooted in the past, tied down to something else? Do I want to rip those roots up? They can be my safety, a sense of security, a refuge. Or they can be my shackles, weights holding me down. Both are extremes, it is probably not either of the two, but rather a bit of both all the time. I'm not even sure.

All I know is that before I was thinking about how things had changed, how 1000 miles just takes the way things were and warps it, hollows it out, makes it a mere shell of what it was. And now all I can think about is how happy I was, how loved and confident and special I felt. I want that, I don't want to lose that. But is there any way to keep it anymore? Is there any way to make it work? Or is it too far gone? And what of the other thoughts I have, the ones that tell me that this is all for the best? Are they right? If I turn back now, will I regret it? By the same token, will I realize later that it would have been better to just do it, to not drag it out?

I want to curl up in a ball. I want to scream. I want this to all be over. I want a sense of certainty, a confidence that I don't know if I can ever possess. I'm watching as it all slips away, and I don't know if I can handle it. But isn't this what I want?

What do I want? I do still want him. But I want him to be closer. I'm weak; I've gotten used to the constant stream of love and affection and time together. I can't cope with this change. The dynamics of the relationship have been altered. It isn't the same. I don't think it can ever be the same. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it so desperately... It doesn't stop me from wanting to scream out, "Wait! This is all wrong!"

At the same time, reason is telling me that it's right. That this was probably going to happen anyway, so it's better to do it now in a way that preserves the friendship that is so very important to me. Reason is telling me that no matter how much this may hurt, I will feel torn up no matter what the situation is: together (but far apart) or seperated. Neither is a desirable outcome, neither appeals to me in any way, and neither is pleasant. Reason is saying this is a neccessary evil of sorts.

But is my reason reasonable? I can't tell.