I feel kind of ill. It's a pit in the stomach, oh-god-when-did-this-happen sort of thing... I was bored, so I started to just go through people's info on my contact list, see if there was anything new... Found that someone I know has a livejournal now. It's someone I haven't really talked to for the last month or 2, someone I haven't seen for the last 3 or 4... But we were close before that, so I decided to check it out.

So I read a few entries, and then that little voice in the back of my mind, the one that's always the first to let me know that something's wrong, spoke up. So I read some more, and now I'm wishing I hadn't. It confirmed my original fear, and then it led to new ones, and then went ahead and confirmed those as well. Hence the pit in the stomach... We were close, we could talk for hours on end, we had fun together. Strange circumstances arose and life changed. And now I read his posts and I'm sad and a little angry... I'm disappointed in what he's doing, and part of me feels betrayed... The things he used to say to me don't match up with his actions now. But I suppose some of the things he did before didn't match up either, and that makes me feel even worse. I don't want to look back on the past and have it tainted somehow; I don't want to think that my memories are untrue in some way.

At the same time... I realize that the past is gone... I made a choice and ended our relationship, which ultimately seemed to end our friendship. And while that fact sort of stings, I don't regret my decision. Despite all the complaining I do at times, I know that right now I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I have some really amazing friends, I have a lot of opportunities to look forward to in the coming year, and I'm in a wonderful relationship. I know that some of the people I used to be really close to have changed, that now they do things that I don't approve of... But I'm happy with myself and my decisions, and I guess that's all I can really hope for.