Have you ever felt that the only thing you can really do is curl up in a ball in your bed, protected by your sheets and pillows and quilt? I feel like that right now. I feel lost, like I'm unable to do anything right now, at least not anything that would matter to anyone. Because I feel like I don't matter to anyone. No one here, anyways. I have some friends who care, but they're all so damn far away that it's hard to live for them. I want someone here in my town to just give a damn, to ask me how I'm doing and honestly really care about the answer. Because I'm obviously NOT fine. So when I say 'fine' I don't mean it. But they accept the answer, they go on about their lives, their lives that I don't matter in, the lives that I am a guest in. Because I don't get a regular role in their lives, I'm always just a guest appearance. A guest when they need someone to fall back on, when everyone else is busy or gone or involved in an arguement. Because no one really wants me from day to day. I don't know why not. I'm not worthy of constant friendship, I guess.

I have an urge to withdraw myself from the world and just let it all go by without me. The world doesn't need me that much, no one here would care. I could still write emails, that would take care of the people who DO care, my Mama Cat and Shpike and my handful of liminal women. But no one else would give a damn. So why do I give a damn about them? At the same time, I feel an urge to reach out, to try to explain to them how much I'm hurting, to try to get someone to care, someone I can rely on, lean on. Someone to love me and care for me and just give a damn. But I don't know who, I don't know how. And I'm horribly afraid that even if I try to reach out to someone they will just turn their backs and go away again, leaving me alone, staring at the computer screen, my ceiling, the emptiness of my soul.

I want to cry. But it won't do anything, it won't help. It's small consolation for the gaping hole I feel right now.