why-oh-why am i doing this, asking this, asking about this? i have a huge pit in my stomach, what am i thinking? oh god, oh god, this is a mistake... is it? it needs to be done, at some time or another, why not now? i don't know, i'm beating around the bush. tell him already, dammit, what are you doing? god. this is physically painful, how can this be? i think i'm going to be sick. ugh.

oh god, oh god, i sent it. no taking it back now, no way to get out of this, dammit, dammit, dammit. oh hell. definately feeling ill.

no answer yet. this is seeming like an eternity. this is an eternity. i don't even know what to expect. i don't even know what i want. i just needed to be honest and get it over with. still no reply. jesus.

why can't life be simple, orderly? why can't it make sense? no answer, no answer. this is going to kill me. the suspense is weighing on me like an anvil, crushing me. my stomach is turning, my mind is going blank... just answer! say anything, even an "oh" would be better than nothing. Nothing is nothing and it can do nothing, but it does everything, it just consumes you, lets you think and think and wonder and worry and ponder and fret. for chrissakes, say something!

nothing. it's been minutes, seems like hours, days, years. an answer. oh god.

is it what i wanted? no, because i don't even know what it is. it is him, it makes sense. logical, straight-forward, precise as always. i am... confused? lost? unsure? relieved? i don't know. humor is good, haha, i tried to make a joke. haha, he thought it was funny. but the situation is still the same, i am still unsure and baffled. i want my emotions to sort themselves out, make me a map, a how-to guide, a step-by-step lesson plan. but they're being screwy. damn the drama.

what do i want? why don't i know? this is frustrating, but so typical. gah. reread the messages, try to process it all. fail. i'll sleep on it. the subject has changed, the pit in my stomach has remained. it will remain for awhile, i fear.