1) I have not had a good day.
2) It's really easy to do stupid stuff. It's hard to figure out what to do later.
That said, welcome to what is likely to become a rambling rant.
Today started out somewhere slightly above sucky. It then got worse. By a little after lunchtime, it was near the crash and burn stage, as far as disasters go. It then stayed there (with occasionally dips into even more misery) until sometime late this afternoon, when it inched it's way back up to tolerable.
My thoughts from early this morning, a short time after I woke up:
A little worry is a horrible thing. Until it is confronted and dealt with, it festers in your mind, growing, expanding, eating away at you bit by bit. It's a parasite, gnawing at your confidence, shaking the foundations of your happiness.
Even if/when the worry is taken care of, the remnants of doubt remain. Perhaps they have taken a new form - a new concern, maybe one that is only just taking shape. And those are the worst kind of worries... You can't name of explain them. You just know that something is wrong, but until it transforms into a full-fledged anxiety, you can't really fight it. By that point, it can be too late... The worry may consume you before you have a chance to think about it. That's when everything falls apart.
And that's exactly what happened today: my worries and doubts consumed me. And yes, I did fall apart.
What's worse is that I know that my fears are fairly illogical. Oh sure, I may have to deal with some annoying crap, but it won't be anything major or life-altering... just nuisances, easily dealt with. And it should all be just as easily forgotten. But I can't do that. I do not handle screwing up well. I don't like my opinion of myself to falter... And it has. What hurts even more is that his opinion faltered as well. I don't really care about any of the others - I can deal with that, cope with it, live with it... But him... I can't take that.
He tells me not to worry, that it doesn't matter. Logic says I should believe him. But my heart, my mind, still says I'm a fucking fool. Perhaps I am. Maybe I'm just human, a teenager who makes mistakes like everyone else... But the god damn perfectionist in me can't stand back and watch me screw up. What's done is done, but I still can't shrug it off. This is the sort of thing that eats away at me, tears me apart.
All of this for something so simple, so juvenile, so pointless, so stupid.
And I shall leave you with these inspiring words from Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Douglas Adams' The Life, the Universe, and Everything)...
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