I should be in class right now. I'm not.

There are a few reasons for this. One is that my homework isn't done. I got the arts-and-crafts type bit done with no problem. (Drawing and coloring is very soothing. I should do it more often. That and yoga.) As for the rest... well, my concentration and focus failed me, partially due to a killer headache. This leads to reason number two - I feel like shit. Physically, I have a cold or something along those lines. So I am very tired and sniffly and headachy. Good times! But really, the cold isn't the worst of it. The problem is that I feel like shit mentally and emotionally.

I made a promise to myself a few months ago. I would take care of myself, find a doctor, get my medication adjusted. I haven't. Not even close.

I've made half-hearted attempts to find a shrink, but I got frustrated quickly. Trying to find someone covered by my insurance, someone who is taking new patients, someone who answers their phone or at least returns messages... So far, no real luck. (Bonus! While I was typing this up I got a return call. It started off okay, until I said that I was mostly looking for medication management. I know me - if the pills are right, I'm generally pretty good. But all her med management spots are filled. So once again, I'm screwed. Yay!)

At this point, my meds have almost run out. I feel guilty about this, because I really should not have let it get to this point. For heaven's sake, I've been dealing with this for about eight or nine years now. I should know better than to wait until the last minute.

But when I'm feeling okay, I don't really think about it. And when I'm feeling bad - well, then I don't really want to deal with it, because I'd rather be curled up in bed or distracting myself with hours of crime shows than making phone call after phone call. I procrastinate with everything, why should my own health be any different? Of course, there's the fact that it's my health and well-being, but clearly that's not enough motivation.

The truth is that I'm tired. I'm tired of trying, caring, worrying, and working. I'm tired of being a responsible adult. I'm tired of feeling stressed, feeling isolated, feeling alone, feeling out of place. I'm tired of crying, of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. I'm tired of being tired.

Forgot!
by Stevie Smith

There is a fearful solitude
Within the careless multitude,
And in the open country too,

He mused, and then it seemed to him
The solitude lay all within;
He longed for some interior din:

Some echo from the worldly rout,
To indicated a common lot,
Some charge that he might be about,
But oh he felt that he was quite forgot.