I'm listening to the techno-y remix of Tori Amos's "Professional Widow" on repeat... It's the perfect song to listen to while walking around in a pair of black leather boots and a skirt. And it's also somehow soothing and energizing to me right now, restoring my shaken ego.

My ego has been shaken by English class. For one, I was unprepared today. I had read the poetry, but due to my inability to stay awake much in the past few days, I had not read the prose piece. Combine the fact that I couldn't really follow anything that was being discussed for the first half of class with the fact that I was dead tired, and you get a Jen that really doesn't remember most of the first half of class. I was, however, awake enough to have my confidence in my possible major shaken up quite a bit. What I wrote about it in class:

"I feel over my head right now. The discussions going on around me seem so... I don't know... It's just so much. I feel simple, like I can't dig into these texts and get as much out of them as everyone else. I feel lost, and just overwhelmed.
I wonder if I can be an English major, if I can actually accomplish this. Maybe it's just Milton. Or maybe I just can't handle deep, heavy analysis. I feel like I don't understand and that I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I just want to read and write, to enjoy it and understand it... But not ot chop it all up into little bits and overanalyze it until nothing remains but academic jargon. I don't really want that, or at least I don't want to force it. I don't mind analyzing things, but I dislike this automatic, forced need to find something much deeper tht is going on in the piece.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this. But what else could I do? Psych? I keep on drifting off in class and while reading. Philosophy? Maybe, but that's analysis again. But at least that's analysis that I feel is purposeful, neccesary to understand. But isn't one philosopher in a family enough? So what is left? What should I do?"

I still like the idea of going into publishing. I like the idea of editing, of taking something someone has written and trying to help them improve it, clean it up. But lately I've just felt really overwhelmed by everything. I wonder what I'm capable of, and I can't really find a good answer. It worries me. At some point I need to make some sort of decision, to point myself in a direction.

On the plus side, however, I do have a box of Godiva chocolates in my bag, and that makes me happier.