I didn't go to track practice yesterday... I felt sick, was coughing a lot, etc. So I went home and slept. My mom woke me up around 6:15, asked me if I wanted soup or anything else for dinner. I told her maybe later, then rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up a little after midnight, ate half a thing of crackers, then returned to bed. My mom woke me up at 5:30 (Yes, that's when I normally get up for school. Don't look at me like that. I know it's ungodly early. But I move ungodly slow in the morning...). All in all, I got almost 14 hours of sleep. It was nice. For the first time in ages I was energetic and happy at school... It scared people; it was rather enjoyable. Then at track practice I ran about 2.5 or so miles (in the 38 degree weather, brrr...), and even though I was definately worn out by it, it was also rather enjoyable. Follow it up with a nice long soak in a warm bath, and I am one happy girl. (Dilemma: what on earth am I going to do at college next year? I don't know if I will have access to an actual tub. And gosh darn it, there are just some times when a shower just won't cut it...)

So yes. I am happy and still sort of bouncy. Whee! I have to get up early tomorrow... (Yay for quiz bowl trips that require you to leave school at 6:30 am!), so I have a feeling the sleep thing will even out rather quickly. Still, it's nice while it lasts.

Happy note of the day: I officially have my plane ticket set up for my trip out to California. YAY! Life is good right now.

And the roller coaster is climbing upward again... (For those of you who, for some unknown reason, are not familiar with the rollar coaster = emotions analogy, let me spell that out for you: I'm feeling somewhat better). I'm sure that up ahead there's another dip (or perhaps a massive drop, one never knows), but I don't know when or where or how or why. That's just the way things seem to go. Such is life.

Part of me is relieved (I don't really enjoy being upset), but part of me is a bit uneasy. When I start to feel better, I tend to push whatever caused the problem to the back of my mind. I don't think I ever really and truly resolve anything. It just goes away, only to resurface later. Sometimes I think if some of the stuff that worries me would stick around for just a little bit longer, then maybe I could resolve them once and for all. Then again, everything could get completely out of control and I would be fighting a battle that I would inevitably lose. Hmm. This is beginning to look like a lose-lose situation. Or at best a truce-lose situation... But I suppose I have to take what I can get.

Too emotional. Too unstable. Too unbalanced. Too quiet. Too loud. Too resentful. Too sarcastic. Too bitter. Too tired. Too motivated. Too angry. Too grumpy. Too depressed. Too attached. Too cold. Too concerned. Too distant. Too self-involved. Too nosey. Too stupid. Too smart. Too selfish. Too selfless. Too easily amused. Too easily irritated. Too out of it. Too proud. Too unimportant.

Not spontaneous enough. Not fun enough. Not happy enough. Not interesting enough. Not sane enough. Not good enough.

I'm too me. I'm too everything, I'm not enough of anything. I don't understand anything anymore it seems. Or perhaps I understand it, but I can't explain it. I sense but cannot comprehend. I don't know. I'm starting to feel the self-loathing build up, or at least some self-resentment. It's like one half of me is yelling at myself, reading off a list of faults and flaws. I'm telling myself to shape up, to get better, to be better, to be someone worthy of something. And I feel like I'm not, like I can't. I keep on trying, but everytime I think I get somewhere I just fall back and have to start all over.

It comes and goes. I'll be fine for days, weeks, months... And then everything comes crashing down. It seems that the crashes are coming more often and closer together. It worries me. I worry me.

It is slowly dawning on me that I am really a rather pathetic excuse for a human being.

Then again, maybe I'm no worse than the average person. In that case, the world is in sad shape... Bring on the weapons of mass destruction - let's just get this over with.

Okay. Let it be know that, yes, little things can/do bother me. By little, I don't mean people chewing with their mouths open and stuff (though, come to think of it, stuff like that really irks me as well...), but things that shouldn't matter. Minor arguements over subjects/ideas that will not change anything. I don't even know how to explain it. I guess basically everything can end up bothering me to some extent. I have a tendency to overreact (and no, this is not just my opinion, it's been confirmed by a number of people). I am "emotional" (read: overly emotional, perhaps unstable, in the opinion of at least a few people). Perhaps I am overreacting about this overreacting thing. Actually, I probably am. Doesn't that just suck? I know the problem, but there's really not much that I can do about it, I guess. For the most part, I don't have a great deal of control over my emotions when it comes to sadness and anger, due to a variety of factors. Which leads to my discovery of the day, thanks to a quiz-thingy in psych class. I am a hostile person; I tend to express my hostility through anger, aggression, and a teensy bit of cynicism (actually, it's more a whole heck of a lot of sarcasm in my case, but you get the idea...). Joyous.

Whoops. Forgot the all-important issue o' the day: budget cuts.

I am very, very happy I am a senior this year. I will graduate and flee this town fairly soon. Some of my friends, however, are not quite so lucky. They get to enjoy the post-"We have to cut everything because no one is willing to pay even a tiny bit more in taxes to give our kids a decent education" school system. A school system with fewer teachers, one less class period, fewer advanced classes, fewer electives, almost no extracurriculars (Goodbye, Quiz Bowl. Farewell, Math Team. So long, Student Council, Beta Club, and whatever else is left after last year's cuts), cuts to the sports and music departments' funding (Question: does anyone actually think this will influence Dooley's reign or her method of doing things? Or does it just mean a whole heck of a lot more crappy fundraisers? I'm leaning towards the latter...), and in general, a decrease in the overall quality of education. Heck, they're even taking away art and such from the wee kiddies... No 'specialists'... So if your 2nd grade teacher is arts and craft impaired, your mommy can kiss that refrigerator artwork goodbye.

I feel bad for the people who will be applying for college in the next few years. I can see the admissions officers now: "What, hardly any extracurriculars? (Because if you're not a jock or musically inclined, what's left for you? Nothing...) Not a very challenging classload senior year... (Because after pre-calc, will there be a BC Calc? Or just AB? Or nothing at all? And I fear Problem Solving will fade away... Along with AP Chem and AP Bio, perhaps AP Lit as well... And what will happen to the foreign language department?) Hmm, I guess the test scores are decent, but nothing spectacular. And the essay's a little shaky in spots... Eh, I don't know. Wait-list, maybe..."

Yeah. The future is looking bright indeed.

Woohoo! Working out details for my trip to California in April. I'm thrilled... It will be awesome to actually see Shpike in person again, instead of talking to her occasionally on the phone and corresponding via snails and email. La!

Oh yeah... I am such a quiz addict. I just felt the need to be upfront and admit that. And I'm such an English geek... So I had to take this quiz... And yes, one of the first things I noticed is that "Shakespearean" is spelled wrong in the quiz title. Yep, things like that bother me... But I took the quiz anyways.


You are Beatrice from 'Much Ado about Nothing' -
Witty and cynical about love; you soon realise that
mockery equals attraction and resign yourself
to it!


Which Shakesperian woman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I will now continue to embrace my inner English geek by finishing Song of Solomon. Yay. I do so enjoy being somewhat of a geek/nerd/freak... And no, that comment was not sarcastic. I'm actually serious. And hey, at least I'm a well-rounded nerd, right?

Blogger was down for a little bit last evening, and I kept coming back... I had something I really wanted to post. However, now I've forgotten what it was... Arg. This is rather frustrating. I think it was just some random song lyrics, though, so it's not the end of the world.

I've finally gotten around to burning the CDs I promised a friend... It only took me oh, 2 or so months... I'm horrible. But late is better than never, right? Right?

I'm disgruntled with the weather. I don't mind the cold and snow... I really don't. Sure, it can get kinda gloomy, but hey, I can deal with that. But I just wish there was some sort of consistency to the whole thing... Right now it's a few days of crappy weather, and then one or maybe two days of warmth and sunshine. Just as I adapt to the nicer, almost spring-like weather, it snows another inch or so. Geez. Mother Nature, just make up your mind, will you?

The letter came today. I read it immediately. I have not cried yet - I don't think I can; I am numb with a mix of shock, worry, understanding, hope, fear, and god knows what else. I can't even really comprehend it yet... It's almost too much. I suppose I'll have to give my mind some time to recover, then reread it.

I need to do something that requires no thought. I think I'll head over to the arcade after dinner. All I have to do is hit buttons; I don't have to think, but at the same time I'm too focused to worry about anything else.

500 has never seemed as large of a number as it does right now.

*sigh*

I need to stop taking so many quizzes. I think I'm just doing it to keep my mind off stuff. I don't know. I wish the letter would come, so I would know exactly what's going on. I think I may know... and I think at least a few of my worst fears/worries will be confirmed. One of the worst things is that I'm so far away; I feel like I can't help as much as if I was there, a physical shoulder to lean and cry on. I love the Internet and email, I really do, but there are some things that it just doesn't quite take the place of... Like sitting in an empty ballroom on the 3rd floor of a dorm in the warm summer evening, listening to your friend pluck out Tori Amos on the piano... Or wandering through a maze at dawn, not saying anything, not needing to say anything because everything has already been said. Or perhaps running through sprinklers in the middle of the night, laughing and yelling and enjoying the moment.

Okay. I am now glum. And I want some cappuccino... French vanilla, fresh from the machine, in a glass mug. I'd even settle for the so-so hot chocolate... I just want something. I think I'll have to settle for a glass of juice and an unknown period of anxiety. Snail, I want you to be in my mailbox tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts. Be there, so I can clear up my confusion and begin the true battle - for sanity (Hers or mine? Who knows? Both? Neither? I don't know yet), for friendship, for everything that matters and maybe a few things that don't. I want the aching - physical, mental, emotional - to fade away and leave nothing but perfection.

There is so much more I want to say, so much more I could say, but I can't quite get it to come out right. I'm babbling. I need sleep. I need peace of mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a few pieces of my mind...

Hmm. The emo theme continues.


Emo kid- Quiet and artsy. You have quite the
collection of buttons building up on your
messanger bag. Whipe that tear from your eye
and chear up. There's an emo girl or boy just
waiting for you.


What kind of punk are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Congrats! You're a emo or indie kid. You have a
strong appreciation for the music you love, and
are in tune with your emotions. .


What Kind Of Punk Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My leg hates me, it seems. And right now, I can't say that I'm overly fond of it. I never knew that walking could hurt so much. Owie.

To keep my mind of the annoying pain, it's quiz time!


I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.




Hmm... Cool.

The dull ache in my muscles has gradually become a constant hurt, and now there's an occasional stabbing pain. Ouch. The worst part is my upper left thigh. It hurts like hell, and I'm not really sure what I did to it. Putting my weight on that leg is torture, even sitting certain ways hurts. I know maybe one stretch to ease the pain somewhat, but nothing has really worked. Suck. I took some Advil; that should help somewhat... Tomorrow morning will be interesting. I just hope that I can walk... I know that stairs are going to be awful... Gah.

Moral of the story: always, always, ALWAYS stretch well before you do BDC's, even if you're late and don't really have time.

I lived through track practice. Actually, I don't feel too horribly sore. Maybe my little exercise routine helped after all...

In other news... Dubya is an idiot. When I got online today, I glanced at the Yahoo! news headlines... "Bush says anti-war protests won't deter him." Great. That's just freaking wonderful. He's the president of a democracy, and he's just going to ignore the opinions of the many many people who think his idea is bad. And our government is worried about foreign dictators? Bush says it's his duty to make sure America is secure. Yes, because going around and starting random wars does a whole heck of a lot for our national security... It's not like he even has support from other countries for this war. They think the U.S. is being stupid and arrogant, and I think they're right. A lot of countries/people already hate us... Why the hell are we given them a good reason to continue to do so? Or giving other people a reason to start hating us? *bangs head against desk* Why why why why why? This whole thing doesn't make much sense to me...

Now I get to go do homework. Yay.

An odd trend has continued. I went shopping with a friend and my mom today, and we stopped in Journeys (a shoestore). The salesclerk was nice and pretty helpful, and oh yeah, he was hitting on me. Okay, fine, whatever... Kind of flattering, nice for a self esteem boost. The disturbing part? This was at least the 3rd time a Journeys employee has hit on me. No, it's not the same guy. It's been 3 different stores in 3 different cities... Weird.

Other than that interesting event, today went well. Bought an assortment of CDs and some shirts (ooh, I now am the proud owner of a Squee shirt, how nifty is that?), spent time with one of my good friends. La!

Now I just have to survive track practice tomorrow...

I have learned a lesson. When you start screwing around with the template, be very very careful you don't delete anything that may be important. And if you cut something, don't cut anything else until you've pasted the previous item... Hopefully everything has been fixed now.

I am saddened that my picture of Wobbly Headed Bob is not showing up. I am trying to remedy the situation... But I don't think it will work. Sorry folks.

Obviously, if there are Invader Zim and JTHM quizzes, there must be Jhonen Vasquez quizzes in general. Or so it would appear.


You're WOBBLY HEADED BOB! You feel that it is your
duty to help others, even if it seems you made
matters worse. But you like to help people, and
thats always a good thing! So cheer up, funny
big head, and maybe cool your ego a little bit!


Which Famous Jhonen Vasquez mini comic character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*deep sigh* (If you don't get that reference... Well, shame on you!)


You are Devi. You are a very expressive person.
Misfortune always seems to find you, but
somehow you still have a good sense of humor.


What Seriously Twisted Jhonen Vasquez Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, at least my relationships have gone better than most of hers.

Why did I ever doubt? Of course someone made JTHM quizzes... God, I love the Internet!


You are Devi, quiet, secluded, and quite the
introvert


Which JTHM character iz you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Walking....stop pacing about the room and make up
your mind already.


What JTHM moment are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Off to shovel snow now...

There's a whole heck of a lot of snow outside. Which means I get to go outside and shovel it. Woohoo! I can hardly control my excitement...


You are Gaz. You rock, hardcore. You do your own
awesome thing and don't let anybody get in your
way. Not only do you have a badass wardrobe,
but you've got a badass attitude to go along
with it. Video games and pizza are pretty much
your two favorite things--it's not your fault
that you're a product of our hideous society,
and at least you're wrathful about it.


The Greatest, Most Advanced Invader Zim Character Profiling Quiz EVER!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

My next goal: to see if anyone has been kind enough to create a Which JTHM Character Are You? quiz... Because that would be nifty.