So there are these ads for a small laptop that I've been seeing around, mostly on Jezebel. The ad features 3 bags, each one smaller than the next, then the laptop, which is small enough to fit in the smallest of the purses.



As you can see, the bags are represented by fairly simple line drawings, but each one is still distinctive. So distinctive, in fact, that, to my great shame/amusement, I can easily identify 2 out of the 3. (Man, that's a lot of commas...) In my defense, I had to do a bit of Googling to find the exact names of the bags, but I knew the designers right away.

The largest is meant to be a Marc by Marc Jacobs Totally Turnlock Mag bag:


The middle one is a Louis Vuitton Neverfull:


The third one? That I'm not sure about, and it's bothering me, because I like to know things, even stupid things like this. A bit of searching has led me to believe that it's probably supposed to be a Coach bag, since they have the little tags on the handle, but I can't find a style that matches up. Anyone out there have any ideas?

Things I do not understand:

Why quieter noises tend to bug me/aggravate my headaches more than obnoxiously loud ones.
Related: Why I hate the sound of people whispering.

Seriously, I hate it. This is problematic, since I work in a library, but I would much rather have people talk in a normal, yet quiet, tone of voice than have to listen to the 'psss, psss, psss' of people whispering.

Ugh. I have such a nasty headache at the moment. I'm having trouble keeping my mind (and my eyes, for that matter) focused, and I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Unfortunately, I've only been at work for 2 hours, so I've got another 6 before I can go home. Blerg.

Bad: Getting on the subway to go home instead of going to class because you're feeling sick, only to discover that every noise makes your headache worse and every smell makes you feel like you're about to throw up.

Good: Making it all the way home without throwing up and having a nice evening at home.

Bad: Coming into work the next day and having the headache and nausea reactivated by being forced to listen to a coworker eat loudly at her desk.

Grr.

A month or two ago, I got the latest Swarthmore College Bulletin; it included the class notes for my graduating class, which made me feel like a lazy bum. Especially the guy who's getting a PhD in a very technical-sounding thing while also attending law school.

Sadly, it is not only my fellow Swatties who are making me feel like an underachiever anymore. While watching the Oscars the other night, I remembered that I had heard James Franco was at NYU getting a Master's degree, but I had also heard competing reports that he was at Columbia. So I turned to the ever-reliable Wikipedia to find out which story was true. Turns out they both are. Dude is getting an MFA in writing at Columbia AND studying filmmaking at Tisch. He also paints. And has his own production company. And is, you know, an actor who's won a couple of awards. Jerk.

I was watching Wheel of Fortune a few minutes ago, and I learned just how impossible it is to get the $1 million prize. First, you have to land on the little sliver between the 2 bankrupts. Then you have to win that round to keep the token, plus win the entire game. Even then you don't get the money - apparently what they do is replace the $100,000 bonus envelope thing with one for $1 million. So even if you win the bonus round, you only get the million if your spin landed you the right envelope. Geez. Amazingly enough, though, someone has won the million since they introduced it; she'll probably be the only one.

Some song lyrics that are really hitting home this week...

But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin' cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to,
And you'll show up for work with a smile.
You'll be better
And you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son.

- Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter"

And it just gets so foggy
It's nowhere in here
And it's everywhere else that I don't wanna be,
But I'm stuck here getting misty over you
I'm alone on a bicycle for two.

- She & Him, "Black Hole"

Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile?
We like the same things and I like your style
It's not a secret; why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf.

I got to get your presence,
Let's make it known.
I think you're just so pleasant;
I would like you for my own.

-She & Him, "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"

I've been listening to a lot of She & Him lately; I think they, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case have finally gotten me past my aversion to all things vaguely twangy.

Last night a group of friends and I went to see Soul Samurai, a new play by Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company, a group that does new works based largely on stage combat - meaning they have lots of awesome fight scenes. The show was also very funny and interesting; if you're in NYC before it closes on March 15th, try and check it out.

At one point in the show, they used a bit of music from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack, which I recognized almost at once. Music in a play/movie/tv show/whatever can be very effective and moving, but if it's a song I've heard before, I find it incredibly distracting until I can identify it. I thought Pig Iron's Love Unpunished was interesting when I saw it, but there was one snippet of a song that they played numerous times, and I couldn't focus on the show completely because I was trying to figure out what the song was. When I got out of the show and could scroll through my iPod, I determined it was the first 12 or so seconds of Sufjan Steven's "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" played on a loop. Only then could I concentrate on anything else. I probably would have figured it out sooner, only the snippet was the instrumental introduction; lyrics and voices make identification a whole lot easier.

Actually, this doesn't happen with just music - I find myself turning to IMDB when I come across an actor I recognize but can't figure out where I know them from; I scour the web trying to find the source of a quote or story I vaguely remember. It seems to be getting worse lately - maybe library school is increasing my need to track things down.

In contrast to the bad news of the last post, here's some awesome movie news: Rob Thomas is working on a script for a Veronica Mars movie!

In other canceled TV shows being made into movies news, the Dead Like Me movie is set to be released on DVD on February 17th. Apparently Bryan Fuller, the series creator (and creator of Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies) wasn't involved, but I'm still hoping it'll be good. At the very least it will give me more Callum Blue to ogle, and I can't complain about that.

No no no NO! This is just wrong: they're making a live-action Cowboy Bebop, and KEANU REEVES has been signed on to play Spike Siegel. Live action adaptation of anime - grr already, but to cast Reeves as Spike is awful. Damn you, 20th Century Fox. Damn you.

I made it a year and a half in New York before I cracked. I have become very, very good at ignoring people on the sidewalk and subway. People handing out fliers, people with clipboards who are petitioning, people with signs asking for money. I steel myself, stare straight ahead, and walk on by. I usually don't feel any guilt about the first group and sometimes feel bad about the second, but I always feel a twinge of guilt with the last. I try not to read the signs (except for the guy by the newspaper stand on Broadway - he offers such gems as 'Trying to pay NYU tuition' and 'Lost light saber. Need $ to buy new one to fight Lord Vader'), because I know I'll only feel worse. I almost caved at the sight of the guy with the mewing kitten in the subway station. I put all my non-quarter change in the donation cup at Housing Works once, and occasionally give to charities, but that's not quite the same thing.

Today I cracked. Walking up Broadway, crossing Houston, I see a woman sitting on the sidewalk. As I pass her, I see her sign out of the corner of my eye. 'Left abusive husband'. I continued walking. After about 10 feet, I stop and turn halfway around. I stare into the window of Crate and Barrel for a second, reach for my wallet, go back, and give her some money. I couldn't ignore her.

I wish I could help more of the people I see on the streets, but I really wish they weren't there in the first place. I don't completely hate capitalism (I like money, I like stuff, I enjoy buying stuff with my money), but come on. Athletes and entertainers make millions of dollars while teachers are underpaid, people starve while food sits untouched on grocery store shelves, people freeze on the streets while houses sit empty, and people get sick and die because they don't have insurance and can't afford to go to the doctor or buy their medicine. It's not right. During the presidential race, Sarah Palin said that now is not the time to experiment with socialism. I disagree - it's the perfect time. I am fully aware that I don't know a ton about economics and politics, but the resources exist to make serious improvements in the world. They're just not being used right.

I was staring blankly into space today when an older guy walked by and said something to the effect of "Smile! It can't be that bad!" I automatically respond by smiling and laughing amicably, but I hate these kind of comments. He (it's always a guy) doesn't know anything about me, my life, my situation, but he still decides it's cool to tell me to smile or cheer up because it's not that bad. Kindly STFU, sir, and let me decide when to smile.

The kicker to this particular incident? The comment was made while I was sitting in a waiting room. A psychosocial services waiting room, no less. If it weren't "that bad," I probably wouldn't be seeing a shrink, now would I?

On a semi-related note: The medication adjustment whirlwind continues. In the past 2 months, I have gone from 150 mg of med A to 150 mg of A and 150 mg of B, then to 200 mg of A and 150 mg of B, then to 200 mg of A and 300 mg of B. I will now be dropping back to 200 mg of A and 150 mg of B, and may possibly end up taking just the 200 mg of A. I've also been adding various vitamins, which means that I'm currently taking 5 medications in the form of 6 pills every morning. Fun times!

What qualifies as an unacceptable side effect of medication? If I tough it out for a few more weeks, will my body adjust?

I recently had the dosage of my second medication upped a bit. On the smaller dose, I had some side effects, but nothing too major. Now my muscles are achy, I'm somewhat shaky, there's a bit of nausea, and worst of all, I've lost most interest in food. Decrease in appetite is one thing - I wouldn't complain if I ate a little less and lost a few pounds. But a lot of food has become flat out unappealing to me, which is weird. The past few days I've had to force myself to eat. I feel hungry, but I don't know what to eat. I've been doing okay as long as I stick to dairy products and fairly bland/mild foods (yogurt, cheese sandwiches, fruit cocktail, etc.), but yesterday I had some Thai fried rice for dinner. It was okay, but then I bit into a bit of onion and felt kind of nauseous. I'm hoping that this will go away after a few weeks, but I'm wondering if I can make it that long without going crazy.

People frustrate me. On some level, I can understand littering. You're outside, you have something to throw away, there's no trash can in sight, you drop it. I understand it, but I don't condone it. What I don't understand is leaving your trash laying around inside when there is a trash can nearby.

People do this in the library all the time. They leave used scrap paper on desks, empty (or sometimes full) water bottles, empty coffee cups, soda cans, candy bar wrappers, and takeout containers. The scrap paper is annoying, but not that big of a deal. I find the water bottles extremely wasteful, but whatever. The real issue is the other trash. For one thing, you're not even supposed to have food in the library. There are numerous signs that proclaim this. (Not that people read signs. I could probably print up a sign that says "Die in a fire" and hang it by the circ desk. I bet only my boss would notice it.) Still, I'm willing to let coffee, soda, and some candy slide - just throw stuff away when you're done! The sugar and such attracts vermin. I know we have mice (I've seen more than one), and we probably have roaches too (though I've only seen one, and it was some time ago). When the critters get done with the trash, they move onto the books, which, needless to say, is bad.

What I really don't understand is the residue of full meals - sandwiches, salads, etc. It's rarer, but it still happens. There's a lounge on the floor above us. USE IT. The library is not a cafeteria. If you must study while eating, check the book out; just don't spill anything on it.

My biggest problem with the trash, however, is not the welfare of the books. That's important, but I know the average person doesn't care about it as much as I do. The real issue is that it's just plain rude. (I feel like a cranky old lady - "Kids today! No respect, no consideration for others! No one cleans up after themselves, they just expect it to be done for them! Lousy no-good punks!") It's not like it's inconvenient to throw the stuff away - there are trash cans everywhere in the library. If you're sitting at one of the desks, I guarantee that there's a trash can within nine feet of you. If that's too far to walk, wait until you leave. There's a trash can right by the main door. You'll pass it no matter what, so throw your shit away. Hmph.

Ah, library patrons. What wacky hijinks will you come up with next?

Today I spent a good five minutes on the phone with a patron, debating his late fees. Our system usually sends out courtesy notices via email to remind people that they're books are due soon, but the emails have been unreliable since our switch to the new system this summer. Because of this, this patron didn't receive a notice, and he didn't receive an overdue notice until 2 weeks after the books were due. I was arguing that while the courtesy notices are lovely things, they are a COURTESY, and you're still responsible for knowing when your books are due (it's stamped in the back!) and renewing/returning them on time. He wasn't having it. I gave up and transferred him to my supervisor. I think the patron finally won, but geez. Mind you, this was over $6 in fines. Not a minuscule amount, but really not that much, either. I wonder how he would have acted if it had been $20 or more.

The other excitement of the day came while I was sorting books for reshelving. I noticed a slip of paper in a book, so I pulled it out. (PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: please remove all bookmarks, sticky notes, labels, paperclips, etc. from books before you return them. They can cause damage to the books when left inside for long periods of time.) But this was no ordinary piece of scrap paper. It was a check. A signed check, no less. Date and amount filled out, but not the recipient. If I had far fewer scruples, I could have added a nice chunk of change to my bank account.

Psychosocial evaluations are weird. A lot of the questions are pretty basic background information, but then there's the part where you have to quantify how bad you feel. How often do you feel tired? How often do you feel like hurting yourself? How often do you lack interest in activities? Some of these are easy enough to answer (How often do I feel tired? ALWAYS. Wait, scratch that - 90% of the time. There are occasional bouts of energy). Other ones are harder, especially because they don't really give you a guideline of how to phrase your answer - x times a day, a week, whatever? x% of the time? I went with percentages and kind of felt like I was just making numbers up. I don't know exactly how often I feel bad; I just know that it's more often than I feel good.

As of around 11 pm EST last night, the United States had a new President-Elect: Barack Obama. This makes me very, very happy. (Though I do admit that my glee was somewhat lessened by my cat's decision to celebrate by puking.) Red states went blue, voter turnout was great, history was made!

More good news: the various anti-choice state propositions and measures were voted down. The bad news: the various anti-gay state propositions and measures were passed. A nice succinct summary of the various propositions can be found at Feministing.

It's so weird that a single election can represent great hope and progress, yet also reflect such inequality and close-mindedness. I wish we could do away with state-sanctioned marriages in general. Just make everything civil unions; reserve the term 'marriage' for the religious rite and leave its definition up to the churches, synagogues, mosques, covens, etc. Separation of church and state: it's good for all involved.

Blergh. It has been a long week. Yes, it is only Monday, but since I didn't really have a weekend, I feel like last week never ended.

Fun and exciting things that have happened in the past 7 or so days: I did not do the homework I was supposed to do, my grandmother died, I discovered some of my clothes no longer fit, I flew home for the funeral, I saw about 100 McCain signs in the country (and 3 Obama ones), my flight back to New York was cancelled and I had to fly on a different, later one to a less convenient airport, my cat puked on my bed in the wee hours of the morning, the construction in the building was really loud and actually knocked some stuff off the bathroom shelves and into the toilet, I had an eye exam, they broke the nosepiece of my glasses while trying to replace the pad bit, I still have not finished my homework, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I'm going to go eat cheesecake for dinner now.

I should be in class right now. I'm not.

There are a few reasons for this. One is that my homework isn't done. I got the arts-and-crafts type bit done with no problem. (Drawing and coloring is very soothing. I should do it more often. That and yoga.) As for the rest... well, my concentration and focus failed me, partially due to a killer headache. This leads to reason number two - I feel like shit. Physically, I have a cold or something along those lines. So I am very tired and sniffly and headachy. Good times! But really, the cold isn't the worst of it. The problem is that I feel like shit mentally and emotionally.

I made a promise to myself a few months ago. I would take care of myself, find a doctor, get my medication adjusted. I haven't. Not even close.

I've made half-hearted attempts to find a shrink, but I got frustrated quickly. Trying to find someone covered by my insurance, someone who is taking new patients, someone who answers their phone or at least returns messages... So far, no real luck. (Bonus! While I was typing this up I got a return call. It started off okay, until I said that I was mostly looking for medication management. I know me - if the pills are right, I'm generally pretty good. But all her med management spots are filled. So once again, I'm screwed. Yay!)

At this point, my meds have almost run out. I feel guilty about this, because I really should not have let it get to this point. For heaven's sake, I've been dealing with this for about eight or nine years now. I should know better than to wait until the last minute.

But when I'm feeling okay, I don't really think about it. And when I'm feeling bad - well, then I don't really want to deal with it, because I'd rather be curled up in bed or distracting myself with hours of crime shows than making phone call after phone call. I procrastinate with everything, why should my own health be any different? Of course, there's the fact that it's my health and well-being, but clearly that's not enough motivation.

The truth is that I'm tired. I'm tired of trying, caring, worrying, and working. I'm tired of being a responsible adult. I'm tired of feeling stressed, feeling isolated, feeling alone, feeling out of place. I'm tired of crying, of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. I'm tired of being tired.

Forgot!
by Stevie Smith

There is a fearful solitude
Within the careless multitude,
And in the open country too,

He mused, and then it seemed to him
The solitude lay all within;
He longed for some interior din:

Some echo from the worldly rout,
To indicated a common lot,
Some charge that he might be about,
But oh he felt that he was quite forgot.

I hate a lot of things when I have a headache. And right now I have a headache. So I hate the homework I'm working on, I hate the noises coming from upstairs, but most of all I hate the cellphone conversations. People aren't allowed to use their phones inside the library, so they stand just outside the door by the elevators and talk there. Sometimes they talk at length, which is how I learned much more than I ever wanted to know about one guy's evil landlady and the troubles he was having getting his security deposit back. This one girl has been out there for a good 15 minutes or so, and I can hear just enough to be annoyed. Her voice is grating on my last nerve, and I don't even get the minor pleasure of learning random useless factoids about her life, as she's speaking in French (I think - I could be wrong). Grar.

Oh. She's done now. Thank heavens. I'll just go back to hating my homework, then. Maybe I'll go get some Advil.

I'm sick, and I have been for a while now. I don't know what it is. Allergies? Maybe, but my eyes aren't itchy and I am not sneezing much, so I doubt it. Flu? Probably not, since I don't have a fever. Cold? This is the likely culprit, but why is it lasting for so damn long? Seriously, this is at least week 2 of this. And I am tired of it.

Admittedly, the cold-thing has been evolving and changing all this time. It started with a non-stop runny nose, then everything became congested and stuffy, then all the mucus moved into my chest, and now it seems to be split between the chest and nose. I've been doing a decent amount of nose-blowing and sniffing, though at least it's no longer all the time. And since I got some Robitussin, my cough has been mostly under control. (Though I forgot to bring it with me to work on Tuesday night, which led me to coughing so hard that I threw up. Fun!)

Maybe the problem is that I'm continually exposed to germs. I work in a library, so I'm constantly touching books and things that have been touched by tons of other people. And I haven't had a real weekend for a a few months (1.5 days off does NOT count as a real weekend in my book, especially when much of it is spent cleaning or doing homework), so I'm tired and worn down, so my immune system probably isn't at its best. To be honest, I don't really remember the last time I wasn't tired or didn't have at least a bit of a runny nose. And that's worrisome. I want to be healthy, dammit!