In an impressive display of how things can go from bad to worse, I have:

1) Decided that my paper is utter shit and should most likely be started over. Bits and pieces of it will be salvageable, I suppose, but I need to find myself a goddamn thesis and stick with it.

2) Determined that really, everything else is going to hell too, so why don't we just put just about everything under the heading of "failure" along with the paper.

3) Lost what little self-composure I had for the day and broke into tears during the walk home.

4) Had my body revolt, leading to me almost throwing up before my stomach realized there wasn't anything in it to get rid of. Yeah, I may have caught the stomach flu that's going around. I wouldn't be surprised.

5) Almost achieved an interesting state of numbness where I'm just so overwhelmed that I'm unable to do much of anything at all.

I mean, I knew today wasn't going to be great, but really, I was hoping for something a bit better than this.

So. Most of the "progress" I made on my paper today? Totally being undone as I attempt to make things coherent in hopes that I will eventually reach a point where things change from explaining the article into actually making a new point. I can practically feel my eyes glazing over and my brain shutting off...

I feel like I'm writing in circles, repeating myself and not actually moving forward with anything even slightly resembling an actual argument. I'm guessing that I'll be in the library until it closes at 1 am, and I'm worried that I won't actually be done with my work at that point. Eep.

Playlist!

Of Montreal - Good Morning, Mr. Edminton
The Delgados - All You Need is Hate
Super Furry Animals - Hermann Loves Pauline
Blur - London Loves
Built to Spill - Big Dipper
Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
* Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong But...
Stars - Death to Death
* Arab Strap - If There’s No Hope For Us
* Jana Hunter - K
Yo La Tengo - Georgia vs. Yo La Tengo
The Decemberists - July, July!
* The Mountain Goats - Up the Wolves
* The Wolf Parade - I’ll Believe in Anything
Wilco - I’m the Man Who Loves You
Cat Power - I Don’t Blame You
Elliott Smith - The Enemy is You
Iron and Wine - Jezebel
* Neko Case - Star Witness
* Destroyer - Watercolours Into the Ocean
* Belle & Sebastian - Another Sunny Day
Architecture in Helsinki - Fumble
Beulah - Popular Mechanics for Lovers
The Magnetic Fields - When My Boy Walks Down the Street
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away
The Holy Ghost - Sarah Needed
The Deadly Snakes - There Goes Your Corpse Again
British Sea Power - It Ended on an Oily Stage
* Albumen - Silent Sunrise
* The Elected - Did Me Good

I am proud of tonight's moments of continuity: Wolf Parade after "Up in the Wolves" and The Magnetic Fields after "Popular Mechanics for Lovers" (which has a line that references The Magnetic Fields' album 69 Love Songs). Yay for being a dork.

As soon as my show is done, I'm off to McCabe to be productive. Boo to productivity.

It already feels like it's been ages since break, and it's only Tuesday. This is not good at all.

I spent most of Sunday doing stuff for d'turgy (rearranging the scenes in Woyzeck, writing up my play report on Lulu, answering my question about The Cherry Orchard, and reading 5th of July); when I finally finished all of that, I just collapsed. Then yesterday was spent in class for the most part... Bits of free time were spent making sure I had the argument of the article I'm writing about for ToN down pat. This was a very long involved process. In retrospect, perhaps I should have just launched into the paper itself, but I really do think this is the best way to do it... I just don't have the time for it. Anyway, that ate up a considerable amount of time. On the upside, the weather was gorgeous yesterday, so working on it outside in the warmth made it seem less painful. Around 9:15 or so I took a break and went running, since the weather was just so nice. My body was not overly happy with this plan - my knees are less than happy with me today - but it was still nice. And I wandered through the nearby labyrinth for my cool-down, which was really nice and soothing. Then it was back to work, sadly. I wrote for awhile, then took a nap, then wrote more, then took a nap, then just slept. I didn't finish it, but my prof is fine with me emailing it in later today, so it should be fine. I really need to get out of this habit of letting myself sleep a bit before I'm done. The one time it's worked I slept for about a 4 hour chunk and then just woke up really early. But it's so hard to resist the sleep...

So today I have to finish my paper. I also need to write for playwriting tomorrow. I have an appointment from 2 to 3, and them I'm supposed to give blood at 3:30 (but given my cold and tiredness, I may back out on that). Then I have my radio show from 6 to 8. My plan is to go directly to McCabe after my show and hole up and get work done. That's what I did for some of my work on Sunday, and it went fairly well, so I'll try it again. Fewer distractions and all that -- most significantly a lack of a comfy bed. The library closes at 1 am. Hopefully I'll be done with my paper long before that and will have made significant headway on the play.

*sigh* I did not finish The Mill on the Floss, but I think it's going to have to be ignored for now. I need to start on Orlando so that I'll be done with it before I have to write about it... Though first there's a back of theory articles to read. Blarg. And I have library internship stuff to do (though I usually enjoy that, so I'm okay with it), including working at a poetry reading on Friday. Then there's the summer stuff to apply for - RA position, jobs, etc. I also need to finish getting research for Zoo Story done so I can meet with the director and my advisor. This feels like the week from hell. And it's not helped by the fact that this year has basically consisted solely of weeks like this. *slumps in chair*

Today was good, though perhaps not as productive as it should have been. Pizza over at Mertz, then hanging out in ML this evening. Margaritas + friends + games = fun. Break should go on forever.

I'm back at Swat now. It's nice to be back, because now I can isolate myself. I had a great time on the trip, but really, every once in awhile you just need to be alone. Sadly, I must also begin thinking about doing work... Since I have a lot to do. Boo. I'll probably put it off until tomorrow, though maybe I'll do some light reading tonight. We'll see.

Highlights of the trip: Really, just about everything was fun. Even the long long car ride was entertaining most of the time. And hiding words in the Boggle board was way more fun than it should have been...

It's 6:30 am on a Saturday and I'm awake. There are so very many things wrong with this...

And so the trip to Georgia begins!

There are some very tempting concerts happening in Philly in the next few months...

Sun, 3/26 - Arctic Monkeys
Sat, 4/8 - Neko Case
Sun, 4/9 - Arab Strap
Tues, 4/11 - Wolf Parade
Sun, 4/16 - Ladytron
Sun, 5/14 - Pretty Girls Make Graves

Right now the Arctic Monkeys and Neko Case are very enticing. Especially Neko Case; I've listened to her new album a lot over the past few days... (WSRN, sometimes I love you!) I'm going to have to check out some of her older stuff.

Now I need to finish packing so I can get sleep... Since I have to be ready to go at 7:15 am to go pick up Alex and the other car with Meagan. And then we all leave Swat around 9 am, in theory.

My week is basically done. Which is good, because it's been far too long as it is. Tuesday was busy and anxiety filled, Wednesday was long, and today was just... *sigh*

The good news: I got reappointed as an RA. I'll be on ML 3rd, so I'll have a mix of freshman and upperclassmen. So that's cool. But the 3 people I wrote recs for, people I really thought would be excellent RAs, didn't get spots. Basically no ML people got it. I mean, there were 2, plus Ben and me, that lived in ML this year, but... It's not quite the same. Anyway, much sadness and frustration about that. And I talked to two of the deans, trying to sort out what happened... And I mean, I sort of understand, but it still really sucks and hurts. So.

Anyway, adding this onto the past two days is a recipe for a very unhappy me. I've been tearful all day, generally managing to hold it back, but not always. But my week is basically over now. I'm going to do laundry and let my mind deteriorate tonight (by watching TV and Newsies.

And on Saturday I leave for Georgia with a group of my friends. It should be fun, but it's like the world decided to screw me this week just to balance out the fun trip. Stupid world.

Well, I got a prompt reply from the theatre. Granted, it was a no (I don't have the sorts of tech skills they're looking for), but... Onto the next ones, which are in Philly.

Playlist for tonight's show:

* Metric - Monster Hospital
Steve Burns - Mighty Little Man
* The Mountain Goats - Lion’s Teeth
* Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
* Of Montreal - Disconnect the Dots
The Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)
Quasi - The Sword of God
* Stars - Calender Girl
Matt Sweeney and Bonnie “Prince” Billy - Lift Us Up
Iron and Wine - My Lady’s House
The Decemberists - Here I Dreamt I Was an Archite
* P:ano - Animal Friends
Sufjan Stevens - All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!
Cat Power- Nude as the News
* The Elected - Would You Come With Me
*# Scout Niblett - Good to Me
* Jana Hunter - Restless
* 31Knots - Busy is Bold
Radiohead - Inside My Head
*Arab Strap- Dream Sequence
Luna - Dizzy
Snow Patrol - Wow
The Get Up Kids - 10 Minutes
* Some By Sea - Look What I Made Without Your Heart Getting in the Way
Bright Eyes and Neva Dinova - I’ll Be Your Friend
Wilco - How to Fight Loneliness
* Destroyer - Painter in Your Pocket

Someone actually called and wanted to know the name of the Steve Burns song. I felt special.

Off to read for playwriting.

I just sent off my resume and an email to my top choice for a summer theatre internship. Any calmness I had has gone, as the butterflies and worry are back again with a vengeance. Now I go attempt to eat a bit of dinner, followed by my phone conference. Eep.

Lyrics to "Up the Wolves" by The Mountain Goats:

There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet
No matter where you live.
There'll always be a few things, maybe several things
That you're going to find really difficult to forgive.

There's going to come a day when you feel better.
You'll rise up free and easy on that day.
And float from branch to branch,
Lighter than the air.
Just when that day is coming, who can say? who can say?

Our mother has been absent ever since we founded Rome.
But there's going to be a party when the wolf comes home.

We're going to commandeer the local airwaves
To tell the neighbours whats been going on.
And they will shake their heads and wag their bony fingers
In all the wrong directions,
And by daybreak we'll be gone.

I'm going to get myself in fighting trim,
Scope out every angle of unfair advantage.
I'm going to bribe the officials.
I'm going to kill all the judges.
It's going to take you people years to recover from all of the damage.

Our mother has been absent ever since we founded Rome.
But there's going to be a party when the wolf comes home.

Such a good song...

So today has already been full of worry and anxiety, and it's not over yet. My stomach is so not happy with me...

I woke up early to finish some reading (rereading, for the most part) in attempt to be able to participate in class today. Which I did, to some extent. So, yay, I feel like I sort of made up for Thursday.

All through class, I was acutely aware of the fact that I was trying to muster up enough courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on after class. I felt like I had the courage, but the opportunity passed anyways. So I went and got lunch, and then went to check my mail, and he was there, so I seized the moment. It went something like this: "HeybeforeIlosemynerve...um...Isortofhaveacrushonyou,and,uh,wouldyouliketohangoutsometime?" Yeah. So, he sort of blinked at me, because yeah, this came out of nowhere. He explained his current situation a bit (basically, it's complicated, and he's not sure what's up), but said he would like to get to know me better. So that was nice. And then I fled, because I had used up all my courage for the moment.

My stomach, which had been full of butterflies before, is still that way, since the day of confrontational stuff is not over yet. Because at 5 pm I get to talk with my playwriting prof! Yay! I'm really nervous! Eep!

And then there's my radio show tonight, and then also a small English party, and then I have to do work. So, yeah. That takes me until at least midnight, I think. Fun stuff.

If I make it through today without actually throwing up, I will consider the day a success.

The amount of energy I have right now is kind of insane. The amount of time I've been this energetic makes it truly bizarre. I got all riled up in d'turgy class, talking about this draft of a play that was sent to the theatre Mr. Magru works at. My energy decreased a bit through dinner, but then I got all excited again later, when so many people showed up for the picture. Because seriously? That really made my day. And then I came back to ML, and I finished reading Oleanna... And I was incensed by it, which gave me a lot of energy. So I headed over to CVS, ranting to Adam the entire time. I ranted while we were there, and then I rambled about other stuff on the way back. And then there was an email saying that someone was showing Newsies on Thursday. Newsies! It brought great joy. So of course I had to break out the soundtrack and listen, and sing (it's a bit frightening how many of the lyrics I still remember...), and that just made me super hyper.

So now I'm back to listening to The Mountain Goats, which is calming me down, and I'm going to start rereading Lukacs, which will bring me down as well. But right now? I am so awake, and bouncy, and HAPPY. It's awesome.

11 people out of the 18 on my hall showed up for the hall photo tonight. This should not be a big deal, but it is. It makes me so very, very happy. After the failed study break, this boosts my ego and makes me feel like I'm a good RA after all. *happy dance*

In other news, my d'turgy prof offered to put in a good word for me for at least one of the internships I'm considering - he went to school with their dramaturg, so, yeah. Yay for that. And despite my fears about that class initially, I'm really enjoying it and find it interesting... And sometimes I even think I'm offering worthwhile comments.

Other classes: I have a phone conference with my playwriting prof tomorrow, to talk about my stuff. I'm more than a little nervous. The man's 26, is already pretty well-known -- he got a commission in London, for heaven's sake! -- and is just really damn talented. And he's not afraid to tell you something sucks. So I'm expecting to be told my stuff sucks. But if he has one nice thing to say, even if it's really small, I'll be happy. I'm intimidated by him, yes, but I also really like him and respect him. So his opinion does matter to me quite a bit.

And my other class, Theory of the Novel, is going okay. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but hey, I can't have it all.

Okay. Work time, whee...

It's weird when you find out something huge about a person that you're close to, something that you feel you should have already known. I don't know what all my friends' parents do for a living, but that doesn't bother me. But deceased parents, major life-changing events, things like that... And when it comes to my attention, it comes out of nowhere, blind-sides me, leaves me breathless almost. I feel guilty, like somehow I should have always known, or should have had some sort of conversation with them that would have brought it to my attention. I don't know. Though I feel guilty about a lot of weird things, I guess.

Back to work.

Screw was definitely memorable this year... Besides the extravagant "wedding" arranged by Emily for Anna and Megan, there was an all-campus power outage (started somewhere around 9 pm, power came back on somewhere between 10:30 and 11? I'm not really sure), and the dance was ended early (1:20 am) by a fire alarm. And then a few of us walked back to the dorm, which is why my legs are really cold right now. At least I brought some flats to wear for dancing and stuff - walking back in heels would have been awful.

My Screw date was a nice guy, though the overall thing was kind of awkward. We hung out with some of his friends for a pre-party thing, then went to the dance and hung out with my friends. So at least the awkwardness was spread about evenly. And now I've had the full Screw experience.

I think I'm going to go make some hot chocolate now...

Last night I was lame and stayed in. I read a bit of Georg Lukacs' The Theory of the Novel and did nothing exciting. This morning I was awoken by the fire alarm at 10 am. It was a drill, so it was brief, but really. Who schedules a fire drill before noon on a Saturday? Not cool. The rest of the day will be devoted to more reading, whee... And tonight is Screw, so that should be at the very least interesting and hopefully fun.

I have determined that one of the worst people to have a crush on is someone you know, but don't know well. If you hardly know the person, you can be like "Oh, they're cute, but nothing is ever going to happen." If you know them well, you have opportunities to flirt and such. But somewhere in the middle? That seems to be a dead zone, at least for me. Because despite my supposed "seek and destroy" skills, I can be super shy, especially around people that I don't know all that well. And when you add a crush on top of that? Well, then I can barely open my mouth. So yeah. That's where I'm at now, and I'm not enjoying it.

So in the course of the last 2 hours, I have begun to seriously consider the Arcadia design thing... I mean, yes, a lot of work, but... Senior Company counts as a class, so that makes it seem less bad. 4 classes plus something extra? That's normal. Also, I totally don't need free time. Because really, what am I going to do with it? Sleep? Ha. Socialize? Sure, but most of my closest friends will be gone, so why not lose myself to work? Also, resume builder. Because I have to start thinking about things like this. Granted, I have no real desire to go into costume design as a profession, but it's still something nice to have - especially if I want to do anything in theatre. Plus, pretty dresses!

Off to read library stuff about cataloguing.