I'm supposed to be working on various scholarship/award essays right now. I'm supposed to be "hunkering down" and getting them done today. My version of hunkering is taking random quizzes every few minutes. So here are the results...






Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]







What Type of Villain are You?

mutedfaith.com /
<º>


The combination of these two results is curious... I am both a good friend and a loner... How does that work?






find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>


Ah. This explains the combination of the previous 2, I suppose. I'm a good listener, but no one understands me. Joy.





Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Yay.

Off to struggle through an essay on "America's Young Patriots Believing and Achieving for a Better America"... Someone please save me.

I'm not sure why I haven't posted a link to When I Drop Dead before now... I've been reading it for awhile now, and it's pretty cool. It's the blog of a woman who works at a bookstore, and some of the stories are hilarious. I'd highly recommend checking it out, and I urge you to read through the archives as well... Especially the entry from January 27th, where she explains where the title for the blog came from. It's very amusing... Though it does make me somewhat ashamed to be a teenager. I suppose I could comfort myself by saying that adults are just as dumb... But while that's true, it's even more disheartening. *sigh*

It's been snowing on and off today, which is crazy because it was so warm (70 and above) earlier this week. None of it has stuck, of course, but I'm still not thrilled about it. I had gotten very used to my flip flops and t-shirt attire.

Despite the weather, I'm feeling wonderful. I'm not overboard perky and happy... But I'm content and at ease, which is somewhat unusual but really damn nice.

Random note: unconditional love is a great thing.

Studying abnormal psychology is making me somewhat paranoid. I'm listening to the presentations, hearing them rattle off the symptoms of each disorder, and somewhere in the back of my mind I have a little checklist and I'm going through them... I haven't met the criteria for any of them except for depression... And that one's sort of a given in my case.

The really interesting thing in psych today was the tape my teacher played. It's supposed to simulate the auditory hallucinations of a schizophrenic. We didn't get to listen to much of it, but it was a woman at a job interview. You hear her say a few things, but there are also a lot of male voices... One of which is apparently the interviewer, the others... Well, the others are inside her head. Most of the comments were negative (You aren't qualified, why did you think you could get this job, you'll never get a job, you're so stupid, etc), but there were some other things (What are you talking about, what's going on, etc). And to be quite honest, it was very hard to figure out which was which... (Though I'm willing to bet that the manical laughter was not coming from the interviewer...).

I'm almost tempted to try and borrow the tape and listen to the whole thing... I'm afraid that my worry my psych teacher though... She's a nice lady, I don't want to get her all panicked. But even though the tape was a bit freaky, it was intriguing... There was a certain aspect of it that I was familiar with, which is somewhat disturbing. The thing is, when I hear hateful angry voices putting me down, I know that they're coming from inside my head, and I know that they are me. I don't know if that situation is any better, but hey, at least I've still got my grip on reality. And I'm confident that I do not have antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopathy or psychopathy)... And hey, that's always a plus.

As dinner neared an end tonight, my family started talking about the war... (Actually, I think I may have started it, but I'm not sure) Anyways, it was one of the first serious discussions we've had at dinner for awhile. It was very interesting, since the 3 of us represent the whole political spectrum. My dad (the Republican) and I (the liberal) did most of the talking, but my mom (the independent moderate) weighed in with some thoughts now and then. I enjoyed it, even though I did get angry off and on. And now I've met my dinner conversation quota for the next month or so...

I've decided I have lethal PMS. It's a very scary thing... But it's over for now, so that's a plus. And now I'm in a pretty good mood (great compared to the past few days), so... La!

This is just cool...


You are the colorful and small poison arrow frog.
Lucky you. You secrete some of the most
powerful toxic substances known to science and
some of your kind can kill just by skin
contact. Hooray for neurotoxins! You piss most
people off because they don't like the fact
that something so small can kill them.
Hopefully you never organize a union and decide
to attack mankind. God damned deadly frogs.


What Scary Weapon of Evolution Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think the frog is rather pretty... Why is it that so many pretty things can kill you? All the cool bright colors in chemistry class are toxic, and some of the most gorgeous animals are the most lethal. Hmm. I find it interesting... But given the mood I'm in, just about anything is interesting/amusing...

I've killed plenty of time now, but still nothing...

So I guess I'll got to bed... And await whatever tomorrow may bring.

I am now mindlessly killing time. I should be doing chem, but my mind is elsewhere, so I can't. I could go to bed, but I'm feeling rather attached to the computer right now, so I won't.

Instead, some random song lyrics from the CD I'm currently listening to... Jimmy Eat World's Clarity...

What you ignore is priceless to me.
- Believe in What You Want

Take in restraint like a breath,
My lungs are so numb from holding back...
...
Simple discourse breaks you clean in half.
Regret.
Do try it once and then you know.
Your move.
Settle for less again.
- Crush

Meet me with a way out through the lies.
Nowhere, going nowhere in the fake yellow light.
...
The feelings change so fast.
Safety scares them away.
I can't bring myself to say
It's my own advice I need.
Nowhere, and then nowhere,
Living trapped inside the chase.
...
Our weakness is the same.
We need poison sometimes.
...
Blame no one.
Look in my eyes and blame no one.
- Ten

We can't do a thing but wait.
...
The time, such clumsy time,
In deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can loose yourself in your courage.
...
The mindless comfort
Grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
'If I don't let myself be happy now,
Then when?'
If not now, when?
...
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
...
Close my eyes and believe wherever you are,
An angel for me.
- For Me This is Heaven

Take advantage of these times, you said.
You let me down.
It hasn't been the first time.
As I'm falling in the pit of fire,
My mind's made up.
I'm never coming back here.
...
How long would it take me
To walk across the United States
All alone?
...
I'm falling fast into this pit of fire
Which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear
That I've been wrapped in for years.
...
When the world caves in
What are you going to do?
When the world caves in
What are you going to do for me?
- Blister

Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
- Clarity

How could you know just what you did?
So full of faith yet full of doubt I ask.
...
Time and time again you said
Don't be afraid.
...
The only voice I want to hear is yours.
- Goodbye Sky Harbor

My mood has not neccessarily improved, but I have mellowed somewhat. I am now feeling small twinges of something like regret for what I wrote earlier today. I say like regret because it isn't regret. I did mean it. I suppose I still do. Nonetheless, I feel bad for lashing out at him like that, especially since I have not responded in kind to others in the class who behave in a similar manner. So yes, while it most definately bothers me, I have to admit that I'm probably overreacting as I always do.

I don't know where I stand right now... I'm alternating between worry and calm, regret and defiance, sorrow and anger, love and hate. It's rather frustrating... And I think that time is only making it worse. Every time that little online alert thing dances about in the corner, I think maybe... But so far, no luck. Gah. Double gah. Triple gah, even.

I am not in a very good mood. There's the remnants of a headache still, and an ache here and there in my legs, but the real problem is... I don't know what it is. I'm just sort of disgruntled and fed up and irked, along with tired and sort of depressed. The combination is rather interesting... In 8th hour I was arguing, then after class I was sort of distant and cold, and then I ended up lying on the floor of A-building with tears running down my face. Maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm having a mental breakdown, maybe I just need some sleep. I haven't got a damn clue what's going on anymore.

And he is not helping. Yes, he apologized. But in the current state I'm in, I really don't give a damn. Is that somewhat bitchy? Undoubtedly. Do I care? Not all that much. I'm upset right now, and to be completely honest, I am really getting disgusted with the way he acts in Lit. There's a reason I left class today, and he (with the help of the cluster of people around him) is it. It makes me want to scream. I did scream, in a way, when they brought up that goddamn math problem... Or at least I told them to stop... Amazingly enough they listened... About that, anyways. They were still disruptive, and he was still incredibly rude to her in regard to the paper. I guess that what it comes down to is this: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him treating her like shit, using that class as an excuse to be an massive ass/idiot/bastard/jerk... Not only is she a teacher, but she's a nice person. Show at least a smidgen of respect. I don't care if you don't participate in class; you could sit there and do absolutely nothing for all I care. But don't bring the rest of the class down just because you don't give a damn about the class. Because I want to learn something, and so do some other people. It just frustrates me to no end. I can't stand to be around him when he's like that. This is most definately a love/hate relationship... And right now I'm just feeling the hate.

This feels somewhat fitting at the moment:


You are the Dark! Mysterious and a loner, you hate
being around anyone but your closest friends.
Pain is a big part of your life and your not
afraid to admit it. When people take the time
to melt away your cold exterior, they will have
a friend for life.


Which realm do you rule over? (mostly for girls, anime result pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

To the people who asked me how I was today - thank you. To everyone else - your apathy is touching. May I learn to not give a damn about the world around me, especially my friends... just like you.

I'm sort of crying. They're random tears... Those silent tears that just stream down your face, tears that are practically unconcious and don't seem to have a direct cause or source. It's like a leak in a dam, all the emotions build up until something finally slips through, escapes, breaks free and shows itself to the world.

I feel like I'm falling apart, both physically and mentally. My body is aching... My knees keep popping and cracking, my muscles are tight and sore. My head hurts; I hardly ever get headaches, but I've been getting them for the past few days. I'm tired... I fell asleep in study hall again today. Today at least 4 people asked me if I was okay. I don't know if I am. I have a lot of stuff I should be doing, but I can't focus on it, I can't force myself to do much of anything. All I want to do is sleep, or at least stretch out on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I almost wish I was catatonic. It would be nice to have an excuse to not move or do anything... No track practice, not much of anything... I just want a break from everything. 3rd quarter sucks - there's no days off until spring break next month. Weekends don't count anymore, since I'm too busy doing homework and such stuff. I want to freeze time, get a good 12 hours of sleep, and then start everything up again. Maybe then I could function normally. Maybe then I could survive.

My knees hate me. I'm not sure why - I've tried my best to be nice to them. I even got new running shoes, which appeased my ankles, arches, hip, and even my shins and calves to some degree... But my knees are stubborn; they just keep on hurting. Gah. This frustrates me. Pain, pain go away...

The following is the sort of thing that pops into my head in the morning when I'm getting ready for school and I'm running through all the things I need to work on in the coming days and weeks: psych presentation, chem homework, chem journal, scholarship essay, track, clean my room, this, that, god knows what else... Then I remember I have to do a project in math for the end of the year, and suddenly my mind goes off on a little tangent.

My topic is the Golden Ratio. It's one of those really odd things that occur in nature that's difficult to chalk up to chance - the kind of thing that sort of makes me believe that there's some sort of higher being or creator . Note that I did not say it makes me believe in God. If anything, things like this would weaken my faith in the Judeo-Christian deity, assuming I had some faith left to weaken.

The prevalence of the Golden Ratio and such things shows a certain logic and order where you wouldn't neccessarily expect it - pinecones, some seashells, and so on. The Christian relgion, in my opinion, does not display this logical order. If I think about Christianity and the ideas it's based on for a little bit, I'm always reminded of a gigantic legal loophole.

God creates the world, etc. and He eventually gives His Chosen People the Ten Commandments. They can't follow them all, and He knows this... But they're damned to Hell for their failure anyways. After a few millenia of this, God decides Heaven needs some fresh blood... After all, the angels are pretty cool, but c'mon... He's been hanging out with them since before The Beginning. This poses a problem, however: how can He get people into Heaven without going back on His previous edict of eternal damnation?

"Hmmm...." God ponders. "Whatever shall I do?"
"If The Almighty does not mind me saying so, I think that I might have an idea..." says the archangel Michael. And so Michael presents the plan: send God's Only Son down to Earth, have all the people who believe in him get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and booyah! Party in Heaven!
"Wonderful idea," comments God.
"Of course," replies Michael smugly. "I am one of your perfect creations, after all."

And there you have it. The dangers of me thinking about my math project early in the morning. Scary and delightfully offensive, no?

Hmm. This is the sort of post that makes me kind of glad that while I have a link to my email on here, I do not currently have one of those handy-dandy commenting systems. Though I don't know if it would really matter - I only know of one very devout Christian who reads my blog, and she and I have an understanding about the subject of religion. Either way, I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to be called a blasphemer at the moment. Oh well.

Okay, maybe sleep requires more thought than I had originally believed... I had some of the weirdest dreams last night... They were nightmares, actually... I woke up really freaked out. It's unusual for me to remember my dreams, let alone 2 in the same night... But whenever I do remember them, they seem to be nightmares of a sort... Hmm... That sort of stinks. I want happy dreams, darn it!

I am currently feeling very unfunctional. I don't think I could hold a decent conversation right now if I tried. Wait, I did try... And yes, I failed. That's why I came home. I was just sitting in Steak 'n Shake without a thing to say... I wasn't even lost in though. I was just lost. My mind has taken an early spring break, and I don't know where the hell it went. I just know that it's not here... I do hope it comes back soon, the poor thing's too confused and vulnerable to be left to its own devices.

At least I've found an activity that requires little to no serious thought: quiz-taking!


You are "A Sorta Fairytale!"

You're probably happy where you're at and
suchness...


Tori Amos: Which 'Scarlet's Walk' song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I'll go to bed now... That requires even less thought, yay...

I feel kind of ill. It's a pit in the stomach, oh-god-when-did-this-happen sort of thing... I was bored, so I started to just go through people's info on my contact list, see if there was anything new... Found that someone I know has a livejournal now. It's someone I haven't really talked to for the last month or 2, someone I haven't seen for the last 3 or 4... But we were close before that, so I decided to check it out.

So I read a few entries, and then that little voice in the back of my mind, the one that's always the first to let me know that something's wrong, spoke up. So I read some more, and now I'm wishing I hadn't. It confirmed my original fear, and then it led to new ones, and then went ahead and confirmed those as well. Hence the pit in the stomach... We were close, we could talk for hours on end, we had fun together. Strange circumstances arose and life changed. And now I read his posts and I'm sad and a little angry... I'm disappointed in what he's doing, and part of me feels betrayed... The things he used to say to me don't match up with his actions now. But I suppose some of the things he did before didn't match up either, and that makes me feel even worse. I don't want to look back on the past and have it tainted somehow; I don't want to think that my memories are untrue in some way.

At the same time... I realize that the past is gone... I made a choice and ended our relationship, which ultimately seemed to end our friendship. And while that fact sort of stings, I don't regret my decision. Despite all the complaining I do at times, I know that right now I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I have some really amazing friends, I have a lot of opportunities to look forward to in the coming year, and I'm in a wonderful relationship. I know that some of the people I used to be really close to have changed, that now they do things that I don't approve of... But I'm happy with myself and my decisions, and I guess that's all I can really hope for.

Vandalism is just *so* cool... One of my friends had an anti-war bumper sticker on her Jeep... Something like "No war in Iraq," I think... She just put it on last night. When we got out of school today, lo and behold, it was gone... Someone had removed it. And no, they didn't just peel it off... It looks like they used a key to get it off; the paint is all scratched up. Isn't that wonderful? Such a great way to handle dissenting opinions... Gah.

Moving on to other crimes... Someone pulled the fire alarm today in 1st hour. Don't know who, but if they get caught they'll be in big trouble. The really odd part? After the alarm went off, as everyone was going outside, the assistant principal came over the P.A. system... Basically said we were to stay inside, they'd figure out what the malfunction was, etc (I'm assuming they didn't know that someone had pulled it then)... So the alarm went on for awhile, we're just sitting there with no idea what's going on... Heaven forbid there actually was a fire; we'd have all been screwed.

Other than that, today was nice. Half day of school... (Yay for inservice days!), went out to lunch with some friends... Did some homework (No, that in itself was not enjoyable, but the little nap I took was nice)... Played Frisbee at track practice. And I don't have practice tomorrow, since I'm not good enough to go to the meet... (No, I don't care... I know I suck. I have embraced my inner mid-distance slacker, and it is good...) It's all rather lovely.

And so it has begun...

"The American people are ready for the disarmament of Saddam Hussein. They understand what's at stake. The military is ready, the nation is ready and the cause is just." - Ari Fleischer

No, the American people are not ready; the nation is not ready. Or have you forgotten all the protesters, not to mention the silent dissenters? Yes, we do understand what's at stake, what's been at stake since 9-11... Our civil liberties have been chipped away by the Patriot Act, thousands of people's voices and opinions have been ignored for the sake of "patriotism"... The cause, in theory, may be somewhat just. Getting rid of nasty dictators is an understandable goal. But there are more, and worse ones, than Saddam. And if we get rid of him, are we going to go after the others? Or are we playing the world bully just this once, just because we can? What is this going to achieve?

Grrrrrrr. I do not like this at all. Not one bit. Not even a smidgen of a bit.

*sigh*

Damn it all.

Track was fun today. We went for about a 3 mile run... It was raining lightly when we started... After awhile it was raining harder... And by the time I was half-way back, it was pouring. I got drenched... But it was a nice run anyways.

Yay for my new running shoes! I ran today, and my legs felt fine... My knees ached a little bit, but it was nohting compared to the shooting pains I had in my hips/legs/feet last week.

In other news, my computer is the spawn of Satan. Okay, so it's actually my fault... I should have saved more often. But still, was it really neccessary for the computer to freexe up at 1 am, just as I was about to print my paper? Couldn't it have waited just a little longer? Apparently not... Which is why I got to stay up until almost 2:30 am rewriting the last quarter of my Song of Solomon paper. Gah... At least I got it done, though. I even managed to function pretty well today, despite my minimal amount of sleep. And now my father is considering getting a new computer, since this one has been acting up a lot recently. So all's well that ends well, I suppose... Which is a rather optimistic attitude considering this quiz result:


Its all about darkness. Sorrow and pain seem to
follow you. Things are always at their worst


What's it all about?
brought to you by Quizilla

If that little ray of sunshine doesn't make you feel happy and inspired, I don't know what will.