I'm home. Yay.

Finally changed my mood again. Looked through a fair amount of the list, but nothing seemed right. I wish they had a mood that was simply a question mark. But I settled on wistful. It works to some degree. I don't know if it was being gone, not sleeping too well for the past few nights, the nearness of college, reading way too much, or what... But I'm in an odd mood. Partly blank, just spacing out. But also overly thoughtful -- my mind is verbalizing itself in an odd stream-of-conciousness way. I blame The Rules of Attraction. Books written in a stream-of-conciousness style always seem to affect me this way; my brain starts functioning in the style, and it's just weird. I articulate everything in my mind, in sentences or phrases, in a way that doesn't seem to fit my normal way of thinking. Like I said, weird.

And then there's this random feeling of... what? Not rejection, not neglect, nothing so strong as that. I'm not sure what it is. A sort of let-down feeling, in a way, where hopes and half-formed expectations are left unfulfilled, unmet, I suppose. But not even quite that, because that sounds sadder, more disappointed than the what the feeling is. Or does it? Maybe I really do feel that way, but I feel bad about acknowledging it because... I don't even know why. Vauge comparisions and daydreams flit through my mind, and I'm not sure what to make of it all. Jealousy? No. I'm (usually) content with the way this is going, the way we interact, etc. But something is still there, lurking underneath the surface. All I wanted was an email, a phone conversation, something like that. Just some type of response, something that would make me feel... I don't know. Missed, loved, something along those lines. An acknowledgement that, yes, my absence of the past almost-a-week did have some effect, even if it was tiny and minor and seemingly unimportant. Is that asking too much? Is it self-centered for me to want this? And why does it seem like this past week matters more than the rest of the past month, when I was also gone? Does it matter any more, or am I just more aware of it this time? If I am just more aware of it this time around... Why?

Gah. I think I'm thinking about this far too much, but it really is bothering me. Enough to really broach the subject and deal with it? That I'm not sure of. Namely because I don't have a clue of how I would do that. And also because I'm still not really sure what it is that I want, what exactly is bothering me, what I'm feeling about the whole thing. Which makes it all the more bothersome.

Rar. Enough for now. I should unpack.