So I just got back the photos from the disposable camera that I've had since January and my externship. However, it seems many of them just aren't there, including all of the ones I took at Alex's birthday party, as well as all of the ones I took of the furry creatures at my host's house. Not sure what's up with that... Maybe they were poorly lit and therefore not developed? I'm not sure, but I'm kind of grumpy about it... Because trust me, I took way more than 11 pictures on that camera. Arg. However, I know I'm too lazy to do anything about it, so this will be a one-time complaint, and then I will forget about it.

I drifted in and out of philosophy class today. Not sure why I'm so tired -- I got a decent amount of sleep. But I can't seem to stay fully awake at all. It's most unfortunate.

Time to do as much work as I can before I have to go rehearse for acting... We present our scene tomorrow -- hopefully it will go well. We'll see.

Things I've done today instead of working:

Napped
Worked on the pink puzzle
Hung out with people
Played Soul Calibur II
Took pictures of prettily lit, snow-covered trees
This

I'm running out of things. I guess I'll actually have to work...

It's going to snow again today. Apparently a decent amount. 4 to 6 (or 8, depending who you listen to) inches, sometimes heavy enough to pile up an inch per hour. Oh joy of joys.

February, aren't you over yet?

Done with the self-portrait, which looks pretty good except for the mouth. Bah to the mouth, but yay for decent looking eyes. Drawing it reminded me just how much I love art... Especially charcoal. It's so messy, but also so much fun. My fingers are grey from it, even though I scrubbed my hands. That's what I get for rubbing it in and smearing it around to create shadow and contours. But... So. Much. Fun.

I think the next two years are going to consist of me taking English and art classes and very little else. Yay for being done with my distribution requirements so I can do that... Boo to Swat not having a regular art minor. But that won't stop me from taking loads of studio art classes anyway.

Time for the rest of my work, then sleep.

So apparently they've chosen the RAs for next year. However, they won't be letting us know until Thursday. Arg. Until then, I get to worry about it.

We ran through our scene for acting class, and it went better than I had expected. I think we'll be okay for Wednesday, which is very, very good.

Time to draw my self-portrait, probably from a photo instead of the mirror, since I currently look a bit like the walking dead. Yay for going to be ridiculously late!

Tonight was awesome. Tango was kind of hard, but also really fun. We kept bumping into people though, so we went downstairs where we had room but could still hear the music and not feel self-conscious (except when Siyuan and Victoria were watching us...) The night post-tango was fun as well: hanging out with friends, going to a low-key party, and then hanging out with random people in Mertz.

My WA asked me to rewrite my draft before I meet with her, since she got the impression that I had felt rather rushed, and she didn't feel like she could do a good job with what I had (since I left out textual support and such). Part of me was like, wow, good WA. Part of me is saying grr, don't want to! But I am. I've done most of it, and I'll probably finish it up now before I go to bed, since I'm strangely awake and should take advantage of that, since I'm sure it won't last very long.

So to work I go!

So tangoing is a go for tonight, at least for the beginner's class from 9 to 9:30. We'll see how good/bad we are after that and decide whether or not to continue. At the very least, this will be a learning experience... And a possible chance to humiliate myself in front of many. Whee!

The rest of the day, until dinner and then after dinner for awhile: work. Joy of joys.

I have redone the side bar, adding links and taking away ones that are no longer relevant. Many of my friends' blogs are consolidated in the LJ Friends Page, since most of my friends with blogs have LiveJournals -- but I will always remain loyal to Blogger. I also added more webcomics to the list... Still not all of the ones I read, but the ones I really, really like. I thought about trying to organize them by when they update, but then I decided against that and went with simple alphabetical order. Actually, I wasn't going to organize them at all, but then my anal-retentivity kicked in.

And now that I've done this pseudo-productive task, on to real work.

Up until now I had never really bothered to form an opinion on Haverford students. After the Ratatat concert, I have formed one. And it's not a very good one.

The concert itself was good. The first band, The Nein, wasn't all that impressive. The second one, The Double, was pretty good. And Ratatat themselves were awesome. Yay for two guys doing amazing things with just a guitar and a bass... Really good stuff.

The problem was the crowd. All events at Swarthmore are open to Haverford and Bryn Mawr students, and vice versa. Usually this means that Bryn Mawr girls will come here for parties, and that's about all. But for some reason, there was a swarm of Haverford students at the show. I know that I don't know everyone on campus, but I can recognize a great many of them... And at least half of the crowd tonight was completely unfamiliar. It was weird -- kind of like the media lounge situation. All of this would have been fine, except for the fact that they seemed to have no sense of concert decorum whatsoever. There are kind of unwritten rules for concerts. You don't shove your way to the front when the people up there are already jam-packed. You don't boo the band because they're not setting up fast enough. You don't yell and clap along out of rhythm at odd, annoying times. You don't start moshing at a show that's just not meant for moshing. All of these things were done, and more. Is it possible that Swatties were involved in this as well? Yes. But the people who were the most annoying were also the ones who booed and cried "Go Haverford" whenever a band said "Hello Swarthmore." So I have a hunch that my bitterness is directed towards the right area.

Other than that bit of frustration, Friday was good overall. I was really groggy during classes, but I was lucky enough to not be randomly called on in the English class I was unprepared for. And then I had an afternoon nap and went out to dinner, both of which were great.

The rest of the weekend should be good, but also really busy. I turned in my WA draft of my Homer paper today, and then got an email this evening from the WA. I didn't have time to seek out quotes and textual support to a great degree, and I noted this at the top of my paper. So she asked if I could do that and revise the draft and email it to her before my conference with her. Part of me says sure, this is a good idea, that way I get better input. Part of me is just grumpy, not really caring about the input, and not wanting to have to cram all that work into tomorrow. But I'll do the best I can. Other work includes reading Aristotle's "Poetics" and some more Nietzsche, along with some poetry for English class. I also need to draw a self-portrait for an acting exercise, and in theory I should really meet with my scene partners to practice before Wednesday. I also need to do a response paper on the night of scenes I saw, as well as on the show I'm going to see on Sunday.

Gah. This weekend allows no time for really slacking off, which is no good at all.

Time for sleep.

Procrastination and distraction will be the death of me. Thank god tomorrow (or today, I guess) is Friday. I need a weekend.

The sanctity of the media lounge has been disturbed. A group is doing a radio program on the Iraq war, and they're working in the media lounge and apparently recording and such in the pit. I knew it was happening, but I didn't think the impact would be this big. I saw the extra desks and the bookcase being moved in. But I didn't realize that so many people would be coming with them.

I went into the media lounge this afternoon, and of all the people there (10-15), 2 or 3 were normal SCCS-type folk. Gone from the white board was the poll inquiring what Fritz should do if he fails to make it into grad school (possibilities included Vulcan love slave, creepy man sitting by playground, and many other equally delightful options). Both the couch and the love seat, generally prime napping locations, were in use. Most of the computers were in use. And instead of the random gossip and talk and occasionally obscene humor, there were people deciding which story out of Iraq was the biggest one. Was it the latest car bombing or something Bush had said?

I would be cool with all of this -- I think the Iraq radio thing is an interesting idea and a worthwhile cause. The thing I'm less thrilled about is feeling like an outsider in a place that I used to be able to go to no matter what. Recently I've been spending more time in my little nook in the science center, but all of last semester the media lounge was my prime on-campus studying and napping locale. I enjoyed the atmosphere, the people, etc. Now I feel like I'm intruding. it would be like going home and discovering my parents had rented out my room to a stranger, and now I was being forced to sleep on the couch.

I stayed just long enough to eat the snack I had purchased at Tarble, and then I fled. The feeling of being horribly out of place in a place that used to be a sort of safe haven was too much to deal with.

Time to raid the study break for food, and then it's time to begin the actual writing of my paper -- I think I have all the information I need... Though I'm going to be kind of light on the quotes (I'll have to try and dig up more this weekend to use in the final draft...)

And on a very different note... There was this in the reserved students email:

Swarthmore Tango Dance

This Saturday, 26 February 2005, there will be an open Milonga (Social
Tango dance) in Upper Tarble (Tarble-In-Clothier). A beginner's class
will start at 9 pm, and general dancing will begin at 9:30.
Additionally, there will be a professional performance at approximately
11 pm.
No previous experience with Tango necessary. All are welcome.

This sounds strangely appealing and fun to me, and I'm thinking I may actually want to go. It could just be the sleep deprivation talking, though. Me (with my lack of coordination) and dancing... It could be very bad. But it could also be really, really fun. It does, however, take 2 to tango.

So instead of getting to work on my Homer response, I took some time to read this week's Phoenix. The cover story (which can be read here) is about Swatties taking science courses at the other schools in the Tri-College consortium. The headline is Finding a Solution: An increasing number of pre-med students travel to other schools to fulfill natural science requirements. Now, doesn't that make it sound like Swarthmore is liking in the sciences, like we don't offer the classes that pre-med students need? It does, doesn't it? Read the article. That's not the case at all. They're taking classes elsewhere because many of them feel that Swat's courses are too hard, too much work.

Key quotes:
"I didn't want to work my ass off in calculus-based physics here."
"Classes here are hella tough... I plan to do that [take science classes at Bryn Mawr] next semester. I took Orgo here and found it very difficult."
"Getting into med school is very competitive. Science courses here are to prepare you for graduate school and Ph.D. programs. My advisor encouraged me to go to another school where I could get a better grade."

I assume the last quote is referring to non-med school grad schools, otherwise this quote is just bizarre. It's still kind of odd to me -- I would think that the more information you have, the better off you'd be. And I'm trying very hard not to say anything about the use of "hella" in the second quote. But seriously, the whole idea of pre-meds taking classes elsewhere because they want to get away with doing less work makes me worry. I mean, I guess in some cases it's understandable. You probably don't need calc-based physics to be a doctor. If you're just taking the science classes because you're interested in them but aren't a major and don't have the time to devote to yet another class with an insane workload, it makes sense. But if this is a general trend for pre-meds, eep. I want my doctor to be willing to work hard and actually learn, rather than just being focused on good grades. And then there's the fact that you know, this is Swat. There's our somewhat elitist tendency to pride ourselves in the toughness of our academics (though the admissions department may be trying to soften that image, I'm not sure)

There's also the issue of the science departments not being accessible to female students and minorities. I'm not sure what to make of this... A quote: "The faculty in the chemistry department teaches in a way that many students, especially female students, find culturally insensitive." This quote confuses me some, mostly because they don't really elaborate on what they mean by that. I know female chem majors, and they seem fine with the program. Maybe there's hidden hate that I don't know about. But I'm confused how one even manages to teach chem in a culturally insensitive way. Okay, English or some humanities course, maybe even psychology... I can see how these could be presented in a very slanted way that favors a male, white perspective, etc. But chemistry? Hard facts about solutions and moles and other things that I don't even know the names of? Someone please explain this to me.

If any science majors want to let me know what they think of this article, that would be awesome. Otherwise I may have to approach you at dinner and inquire into the matter. I'm actually kind of curious about this.

Alright. Time to do some real work.

I chose sleep and more sleep over finishing my philosophy reading. I think I made the right choice.

It's snowing again. Heavily. Estimated 5 to 9 inches by the end of tonight. *sulks*
It's pretty outside with all the snow, but the walk up to campus is going to be no fun at all. *pouts*

And I just achieved my goal of getting my paper done before 2 am, my unofficial bedtime. Woot!

If you are surprised by either of the outcomes of these quizzes, you don't know me very well:

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets. Unipolar Depression 50% Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 8% Borderline Personality Disorder 8% Eating Disorders 8% Antisocial Personality Disorder 0% Schizophrenia 0% Which mental disorder do you have? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Sloth. Sloth 100% Wrath 81% Pride 69% Envy 69% Gluttony 56% Lust 50% Greed 25% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

Making slow progress on my paper, with lots of little breaks to let my mind atrophy more.

Allowing myself to be distracted:

You scored as Intrapersonal. You prefer your own inner world, you like to be alone, and you are aware of your own strengths, weaknesses, and feelings. You learn best by engaging in independent study projects rather than working on group projects. People like you include entrepreneurs, philosophers and psychologists. Intrapersonal 82% Verbal/Linguistic 79% Musical/Rhythmic 75% Interpersonal 68% Visual/Spatial 61% Logical/Mathematical 54% Bodily/Kinesthetic 43% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

When I have a lot of work to do, my mind goes into a kind of fight or flight mode. It generally chooses flight, which means that my mind kind of goes away. It goes blank, I lose the ability to really focus, etc. It's definitely not an ideal situation. I'm not sure what a fight reaction would be -- maybe buckling down and actually getting things done in an efficient manner. And I always plan to do that. I wrote out a list of things that I should do today.

- English class (I did this)
- Read rest of The Odyssey (I also did this, and I was quite pleased with myself)
- Mythology class (Did)
- Lunch (Yep)
- Work: make notes for Homer response, read philosophy (This is where it went a bit haywire. I went into Cornell and worked on the puzzle for a bit, then I went to the bookstore to buy some stuff I needed and drop off a roll of film. I went to the media lounge and checked my email, then I called home and talked for about 30 min. When I finished that, I went back to the science center. I got a snack, did a bit more of the puzzle, then finally settled down to read philosophy for a bit. I ended up reading about 15 pages.)
- Acting class (Did this)
- Dinner (Yay pasta bar0
- Back to ML: Laundry, revise philosophy paper, work on philosophy reading (In process of doing laundry, and I've revised my introduction thus far)

To come later: Collapsing, either staying up late to work on philosophy reading or getting up earlyish to do it... After class tomorrow, there will be either be quality time spent with me, my laptop, and Homer's epics or reading criticism on Yeats' poetry. Whichever one I don't do in the afternoon will be done after dinner, plus more work on the Homer essay. Then there will be more collapsing, then more class, and then a grand collapse after lunch on Friday.

Time to take some Advil and then move my laundry to the dryer.

Random question here: Why do I always seem to make things harder for myself than they need to be or than they really are? (I'm speaking mostly about emotional stuff here, but I guess this could apply to anything every now and then...)

I am very much tempted to blame my current mood on many things, including the weather, PMS sort of stuff -- some people get cramps or strange cravings... My depression kicks into top gear, whee! -- or any of those sort of mild, will soon change things. And that's probably what it is. But I can never convince myself of that until after the fact. I always feel like it's something so much bigger that's causing it, that I or my relationships with other people or life in generally is just fucked up or inherently flawed or something. I don't know. I seem incapable of being happy for a long period of time -- there's always at least one bad day (sometimes just a bad hour) that ruins the run of happiness and sends me back to square one as far as confidence and self-esteem goes.

Dammit, changing my background music from Rainer Maria to Sahara Hotnights was supposed to help my mood. Upbeat music, you have failed me!

Time to read, then crash, then face the rest of this less-than-ideal week.

Another Tuesday night, another radio show, another playlist:

Radiohead - Just
Quasi - The Sword of God
* Mouse on Mars - Wipe that Sound (remix featuring Mark E. Smith)
Sahara Hotnights - The Difference Between Love and Hell
The Unicorns - 2014
* We Versus the Shark - No Flint No Spark
That Dog - She Doesn’t Know How
#* The Music - Into the Night
#* Marianne Faithfull - City of Quartz
* Menocu - Indelible Marks
Final Fantasy - Furniture
Electric Llight Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky
Ratatat - Lapland
* Matt Sweeny and Bonnie “Prince” Billy - Bed is for Sleeping
* Iron and Wine - Jezebel
* Audible - Sunday Bell
A.C. Newman - On the Table
Super Furry Animals - Valet Parking
Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
Cat Power - Free
Rainer Maria - Rise
Pretty Girls Make Graves - All Medicated Geniuses
Asobi Seksu - Walk on the Moon
Bjork - Big Time Sensuality
Sneaker Pimps - Low Five
* Momus - I Am a Kitten
* The Futureheads - Danger of the Water
Irving - White Hot
Menomena - E is Stable

I forgot I had already played the Super Furry Animals song last week until I had already started playing it... Ah well. It's a good song. I pulled the old Rainer Maria CDs from the library and copied them, so that makes me happy. It amused me to see that the reviews on at least one of them termed them kind of emo... Even when I think I'm breaking away from my emo kid tendencies, it turns out I'm not.

Time to read for English, then sleep. I didn't get as much work done this afternoon as I probably should have. Arg. I can't wait for the weekend.

I developed a new addiction today. In Cornell Library, there is a puzzle. It is solid pink. The puzzle itself is a normal rectangle, but the pieces themselves form a pattern of a circle that kind of spirals out. It's hard to explain without seeing it, but let it be known that it is a) hard and b) addictive. Therefore when I get tired of reading, I will now venture in there to work on the puzzle until it breaks my mind and reading looks appealing.

Busy week this week, eep. But I got to play with a cat, so that made life better. And then there was the heavenly chocolate cake that Jeff made. Bless that boy... Both of these happy things were thanks to Joy's birthday party -- yay Joy!

Work now, work and class tomorrow, radio show tomorrow night. And perhaps somewhere in there a 1 month celebration if it can be managed.

But work now.

It's snowing. And it's actually accumulating. Time to break out the boots again.

Kyle says that there was a flash of lightning amidst the snow. I missed it, but at least I know it really is possible -- and he doubted me. Hopefully there will be another one -- the idea of a snow thunderstorm seems really cool to me.

The shades are up, the lights are dimmed so that I can see the night sky better... I will probably be disappointed, but it's pretty out anyway.

Must finish work -- I'm obviously not going to be getting as much sleep as I'd like tonight, grr.

The weather forecast for tomorrow starts off with snow around 1 am, switches into ice pellets (which I would usually call hail, but whatever) for the morning, then rain in the afternoon. God damn you February! Early last week I was wearing flip-flops! And now! Scarf and hat and gloves in order to survive! Damn you and your bipolar weirdness of weather!

Alright, I suppose that rant is over now. Happy (early by an hour or so) birthday to Joy. Happy Presidents' Day to those who get to reap the benefits of such holidays -- I will be having class, because my college does not seem to believe in holidays that aren't Thanksgiving or are already covered by winter break and weekends. Ah well.

Boo to the reading I need to be doing, the writing that will follow, the paper and the other paper draft that are due later this week, the scene I need to memorize, my sophomore paper, the CDs I need to review, the sleep that I'm not getting, and so forth. And another boo to the weather just to bring things back full circle.

12 days until England. Wow. It's coming up fast, woot!

Back to work for me, blah.

The They Might Be Giants concert was good. Common Rotation opened, and they were entertaining, and so was TMBG. All in all, despite not being overly familiar with either band, it was good fun. And it was definitely a great large scale event. Ratatat is playing in Olde Club on Friday, which should also be good... Hopefully it will be slightly less crowded than The Walkmen show, but we'll see.

In other news, not much. I didn't get much work done today (read: I slept a lot and did nothing productive), so tomorrow I will have to be super-studious. It will be oh-so-much fun.

Reading until I fall asleep, whee.

So the stair-master caused me less pain than I though it would. However, I am still sore, some in the arms but mostly in upper pecs. It hurts a little to move my arms around over my head too much, thus making washing my hair very not fun. Owie.

Went on a double date last night with Lauren and her boyfriend. It was last minute and fun -- yay for non-Sharples food!

They Might Be Giants is playing tonight. Should be fun... At the very least watching some of my friends' fanboy/girl reactions will be cool.

Today has been deemed a "no work day," kind of against my better judgment. Sleeping very, very late was awesome, though. I will just have to make up for it tomorrow. Whee...

I have a distinct feeling that I'm going to be in pain tomorrow.

After not going to the gym for awhile, I went today. I ran over there (not very impressive, it's like a 3 minute jog or so), lifted weights, did some crunches (there are muscles underneath the fat; now I just need to stay away from the ice cream...), rode the stationary bike for 5 min, then switched over to the stair-master for another 10. All in all, I was there almost an hour, and my upper arms are already a bit achy, and I'm pretty sure my butt is going to hurt as well. Whee.

All in all, though, I'm proud of myself. I almost took a nap instead, but I resisted the urge. And me resisting nap urges takes a lot of will-power, I must say.

Time to make myself presentable for the evening.

Victory (in the form of a completed paper) is mine! Booyah!

So my plan to take a short nap then wake up around 3ish and work and then nap and then work utterly failed. I woke up a little before 6, discovered that I had turned off my cell phone alarm in my sleep/woke up just enough to turn it off when it went off (first time I've done that -- seems like it's not fool-proof after all, curses!). So yeah. So much for that plan. What this means is that I'm still in the process of writing my paper. On the plus side, before I went to sleep I devised a loose outline and even came up with a conclusion. Therefore I'm not in horrible shape, but still not where I was hoping to be at this point.

The sun is rising outside and there are birds twittering near my window. It's so weird to be up at this time...

Back to work!

The guilt that I didn't have about skipping class has kind of kicked in, since I ran into the professor on my way from my mythology class to lunch. She said hello very cheerfully, and asked if I was doing okay. When I confessed that I when my alarm went off I couldn't force myself out of bed, she told me to try to get to bed earlier tonight. It was kind of an indirect maternal guilt trip, one which I don't think was intentional, but one that I fell prey to because she's just so darned nice and therefore I felt bad about possibly disappointing her. I will try and make up for it by volunteering in class on Friday.

Now it is time to get to work on my philosophy paper. I am ensconced in my new favorite studying place (the science center, upstairs on a little landing overlooking the commons) and will be here until 4 or so, when I'll head over to LPAC to chat with my sophomore paper advisor.

So the plan for the rest of the day: work, talk with advisor, work, dinner, work, attend lecture/demo for acting, stop by birthday party, work, collapse.

Tomorrow: rehearse scene for acting, lunch, class, work work work, dinner, work, watch The Godfather, Part 2 for class, sleep.

Friday: class, lunch, work and/or collapse until the evening.

Gah.

My alarm went off this morning. I looked at it. I looked at the syllabus for my English class. I decided since we were talking about the same poet as Monday that I wouldn't miss anything vital. I decided that sleep was more important right now. I went back to sleep.

Part of me feels horrible about doing this. Part of me feels no guilt at all. I remember when the idea of skipping classes unless I had a really, really good reason appalled me. I'm still not fond of the idea, but sometimes, you just need to listen to your body.

I am so cool. You know, where cool means amazingly stupid. There was a ton of dead air on my show tonight because I kept on turning on the wrong mic and therefore almost none of what I said was picked up, including my explanation of why I was playing Chromeo (they were in SPIN magazine... part of an article on the Montreal scene and the groups there, like The Arcade Fire, etc). Of course this would happen on a night when I actually spoke a decent amount. *shakes head* I am so silly.

On to the playlist:

Ambulance LTD - Yoga Means Union
#* ISIS - So Did We
Chromeo - Needy Girl
The Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #2 (Laika)
Pavement - Kennel District
The Postal Service - Nothing Better
#* The Shins - Caring is Creepy
#* Zero 7 - In the Waiting Line
#* Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde
Final Fantasy - The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead
* The Fiery Furnaces - Sweet Spots
* Styrofoam - Front to Back
* The Go Find - Summer Guest
Ratatat - Desert Eagle
* The Futureheads - A to B
The Reputation - Bottle Rocket Battles
* Mob Stereo - Bubblegum and Binders
Rainer Maria - Automatic
Sleater-Kinney - The End of You
* Driver of the Year - Volume Switch
* Audible - Sky Signal
Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube
#* The Features - The Way It’s Meant to Be
Super Furry Animals - Valet Parking
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
The Delgados - All You Need is Hate
* The Libertines - Last Post on the Bugle
#* The Minus 5 - (I’ve Got A) Lyrical Stance
Modest Mouse - Dramamine
Counting Crows - Colorblind

An equal balance of rock department playlist songs and my own music... Which is what I'm supposed to be doing, though I usually seem to be heavy on one side or the other.

Time for bed. I have a busy day tomorrow, oh yay.

I had my RA interview today. I was ridiculously nervous before it -- huge pit in my stomach, etc. It's mostly gone away, but there's a tinge of it left, even though it's been 3 hours. Or maybe it's just the undercooked fries that are messing with me now. Anyway, I think I didn't do so hot with the scenario, but other than that I think it went well. I know that my recommendations were good, and based on some of the things the director of housing said, I think I have a good chance. I'd guess that if I get it, I'll be placed in ML. Which I think would actually be really nice. Sure, I'd like to live in another dorm before I graduate, but I feel like for a new RA, ML's built-in community makes life a lot easier. So I'd be happy with it.

Other than that, there is a lot of work that I need to be doing. The main thing right now is the philosophy paper that I need to write -- most of tomorrow afternoon will be devoted to that, with a break to talk to my advisor about classes and such. This semester is turning out to be a lot busier than I had anticipated, but I'm still enjoying everything. I've learned that I can't always do everything, and I'm learning to be okay with that.

Time to try and get some reading done before I need to head back up to campus for my radio show.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how pathetic and sappy is it that I had to dig out Live's The Distance to Here just so I could listen to "The Dolphin's Cry" because now I can't really get it out of my head? It should be noted that I first went to the Mixed Company website to see if the a cappella version was there and am settling for this because it wasn't. I think that alone pushes me to at least a 9.

On the plus side, this has reminded me that this CD is really rather good, and I should therefore listen to it. And not, you know, listen to just the first track many times.

Nietzsche now. Really. Or maybe sleep and Nietzsche in the morning.

I have flowers. None from my valentine, but I still have flowers. A rose from my RA (he gave them to all the girls on the hall because he's cool like that), and then 5 carnations (1 that I was given as I came into the dining hall, and then 4 others I liberated from a centerpiece). Flowers are pretty.

Tomorrow I have my RA interview. Hopefully it will go well; I guess we'll see. Wednesday I have to meet with my sophomore paper advisor to discuss what courses I want to try to take during the rest of my time at Swat. Thursday I have a WA draft of philosophy paper due (and no, I have yet to start writing or even pick a thesis, eek). Friday should be calm. Saturday night is the They Might Be Giants concert. Sunday night I need to go see the Directing II's Night of Scenes and write a response for acting class. I also need to be learning my lines for the scene, and fight my nature when actually performing the scene -- I need to be submissive where I'd usually be confrontational. It's weird. Next Friday I have a WA draft of a paper on Homer due. The week after that I have to turn in my application to be an English major. And the end of that week is the beginning of spring break and the trip to London... Busy times!

Right now, I need to read some Nietzsche and then get to bed. (Why can't any of the Existentialists have easy to spell names?)

Night all.

Happy grey Valentine's Day, at least to my fellow Swatties. It's sort of snowing right now, sort of raining, and it's going to be raining most of the day. Any notions I had of dressing up any have been thwarted.

On an actually happy note: the hostel has been booked! So now my friends and I have our plan tickets and reserved beds to sleep in. Everything else can be figured out later.

Time to get ready for class now.

So it seems a lot of people have already asked this question, at least according to Google. But I thought I'd ask it again, because it's one of those things that bothers me from time to time, like right now. What's a good word for that grey area of emotion between 'like' and 'love'?

Don't say lust, because that's just physical and doesn't fit the emotion that I'm thinking of. And infatuation and crush don't do it either, because to me they always imply kind of an unrequited feeling, not a feeling between two people. There's a slang site that I came across in my Google search that uses 'loke', but that just sounds very, very silly. And as much as I like 'smitten' and 'twitter-pated', those seem kind of fluffy after a certain point. 'Adore' also implies a one-sidedness, an idolization. 'Fond' sounds more maternal than romantic. 'Fancy' sounds very old-fashioned and kind of foppish.

I guess I've generally used the distinction between 'love' and 'being in love'... Where love is the love you feel for family, friends, pets, etc... And being in love is the romantic love. But even then, there's kind of a transition period, isn't there? The period of 'falling in love'... But that phrase is almost scary because it seems to carry so much weight and connotations with it. And it assumes that the end result will be being in love, but that isn't necessarily true -- I think you can get in this grey area of emotion and then just stay there indefinitely... Romance's purgatory.

i could probably babble about this for awhile more, but I really need to get some work done. If anyone has any ingenious answers to this question, do share.

Desire for sleep: 1
Desire to hang out: 0

Back to bed I go.

Two birthday parties in one day -- both went pretty well. Happy day after your birthday, Jeff, and happy birthday to Kyle!

Water and sleep are my friends, especially if I'm going to follow through with the plan of going into Philly tomorrow morning. Part of me wants to sleep for a very long time instead, but I know that it will be fun and that doing social things is good for me.

So plan for tomorrow: Drag self to train station, into Philly with friends, hang out in Chinatown for a bit, get food, come back to Swat, do work. Whee!

And now, some sleep.

The good news: it's not mono. It's probably post-viral fatigue from being sick this weekend. The bad news: I'm still really tired. The other good news: I was awake for all of philosophy class AND I actually contributed some. And I only have one class tomorrow. And tomorrow is Friday. And this weekend should be fun.

Clearly, the good outweighs the bad. So that's... well, good!

I talked to my parents last night. They suggested that I might have mono. I suppose I do have many of the symptoms: extreme tiredness, sore throat, slightly swollen glands. Therefore, I'm going to Worth today to see if they'll do a blood test and find out for sure. I'm hoping my parents are wrong. They've thought I've had mono before, but it's always just turned out that I'm a lazy bum with a cold. We'll see, I suppose.

Time to drag myself up to campus.

It's official: I now have a massive single.

I'm also dead on my feet. I have no reason to be this exhausted, but I am. I am in sorry, sorry shape. I'm seriously considering emailing my theatre prof and telling her I can't make it to class this afternoon. I feel like I'm about to collapse -- I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. Even getting through English, a short class that I love, was a serious effort.

I'm going to go to the science center now and find a couch to crash on until my next class.

1st radio show of the semester... Had a bit of a shaky start, but then things went fine. My tracking pad seems to be on the fritz, so I borrowed the mouse from the studio computer. In the end, it all worked out fine.

Playlist (as usual, * means from the rock department playlist, and # means I reviewed it):

Gary Jules - Mad World
Final Fantasy - This is the Dream of Win and Regine
Ratatat - Seventeen Years
* !!! - Pardon My Freedom
#* The Features - Blow it Out
The Futureheads - Meantime
Rainer Maria - The Awful Truth of Loving
The Arcade Fire - Wake Up
#* Frou Frou - Let Go
Chemical Brothers ft. Beth Orton - Where Do I Begin?
#* Marianne Faithfull - My Friends Have
* The Go Find - Over the Edge
Ladytron - Seventeen
* Autolux - Turnstile Blues
Kill Hannah - Kennedy
Jimmy Eat World - Pain
* Friends Like These - What Emily Says
The Magnetic Fields - Absolutely Cuckoo
The Unicorns - I Was Born (A Unicorn)
The Walkmen - The Rat
* The High Water Marks - Have Another Dream
* Death from Above 1979 - Black History Month
* Styrofoam - Couches in Alleys
Menomena - The Late Great Libido
A.C. Newman - The Town Halo
Harvey Danger - Woolly Muffler
Beulah - Silver Lining
That Dog - Ms. Wrong
Pain - Midgets With Guns
* Ted Leo/Pharmacists - Me and Mia
Broken Social Scene - Stars and Sons

Work time.

i am completely unmotivated to do any real work at the moment. I'm listening to WSRN (one of the rock director's shows) and enjoying it, and I'm thinking about my own show, which starts in a bit more than an hour. And my English reading is open and on my lab, and I'm looking at it, but not wanting to do it. Of course, it's a lot. And I should do some reading for mythology as well. And there's that scene from A Streetcar Named Desire that I need to be learning as well. Arg. And don't even remind me of the philosophy reading I need to do. Double arg!

I enjoy all of my classes this semester, I really do. But every once in awhile, the ability to do work just completely goes away. I read philosophy and wrote a response paper this morning, I reviewed 2 CDs this afternoon. And all my energy seems to have been used up. Sad, but true.

So I'll either be staying up late to get work done or not participating in class much tomorrow. Or possibly both.

This weekend: Catch up on work! Get ahead, even! Ha! You know, in between going bowling, going into Philly for part of the day, celebrating my boyfriend's 21st birthday, and Valentine's Day stuff. At least I don't have mythology on Friday... I can attempt to force myself to work from the end of English class up until dinner or something. I managed to do it Sunday -- I just need that sort of focus all of the time.

Time to gather CDs and such for my show and then mosey my way up to campus.

So I'm just severing ties left and right, it seems. Well, not exactly. But I am cutting back on things. I've already dropped choir for this semester, and I just sent an email saying that I'm quitting the Gazette. So that leaves WSRN (radio show and review CDs) as my main extra-curricular activity for the semester. And I'm cool with that. As it is, I'm behind in some work... (Damn you philosophy reading! You just keep mutating!)... So more free time is very much a good thing.

Time to retrieve laundry.

I think Bob Paley wins the "Coolest Professor" award. I've never had him, since he teaches chemistry, but he has an awesome dog (Chaos, a huge Husky) that he brings with him to the lab, AND his radio show is amazing. That's right, a professor has a radio show on WSRN. And man, is it good. If you're awake on Tuesdays from 8-10 am Eastern time, give it a listen.

Time for more Kierkegaard, made more enjoyable by good music in the background.

More quizzes (from the same site) to restart my brain post-compiling and pre-philosophy. Don't ask me how they're restarting my brain, just believe me.
------
Better personality:

Wackiness: 44/100
Rationality: 44/100
Constructiveness: 56/100
Leadership: 50/100

You are a SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a Hippie.

You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.

Please don't get even with this web site.

Of the 92029 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 10.4 % are this type.
-----
Better person:

Your score as a human being is 88.65.

You are close to ideal. So close, and yet so far. Amusing, really, to watch someone squirm so close to the vaunted ranks of perfection and still remain so very, very ordinary. It is all one can do to keep one's ingratiating smile from polluting one's perfect face.

Actually, one recommends you take the quiz again and lie a little.
-----
Better sense of humor:

Sunny/Dark: 1/10
drY/Gross: 2/10
Traditional/Offbeat: 5/10
Active/Passive: 4/10

You are a SYT--Sunny Dry Traditional. This makes you a Sophisticate.

You like conservative humor -- implied rather than explicit, and a well- timed eyebrow raise rather than a punchline. You're exactly the right kind of funny a well-bred hostess would want at her functions. You might be Jewish.

You're not afraid of a risque joke -- you just don't often make them. This means that people may keep it squeaky clean around you, and that when you do work blue it's super too so funny.

You're like Jon Stewart on that fake cover of the public domain Victorian erotica textbook in the back of America. You should get that book. You'll think it's funny as hell.

You might like The Daily Show, Remember Wenn and when Hamlet says, "Do you think I meant country matters?" You would snigger thyself all the way to the buttery bar.

Of the 12943 people who have taken this quiz, 25.9 % are this type.

Your Active humor score of 4/10 means you're a yellow dash of comedy down the middle of the humorous road. You prefer to listen than to be the center of attention, inserting funny observations and comments rather than driving the herd. That's cool. Just remember that the quantity of funny you provide tends to make people think you're up to something.
-----

Alright Kierkegaard, time for you to bring your worst.

20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 2/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 6/10


You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 192932 people who have taken this quiz, 8.1 % are this type.

Um. Not sure about the lying effortlessly or the cheating stuff. And I think I'll plead the 5th for everything else.

Props to the folks at WSRN for making the temporary studio infinitely better than it was last semester. It's not as dusty, the equipment is arranged nicely, the computer is up and running, and there are even posters on the walls to make it a bit more lively. Yay!

In other WSRN news, I grabbed 4 different albums to review. Upon giving a few songs on each a preliminary listen, I have decided I could not have chosen more different albums had I tried. I have Further Seems Forever (kind of emo), The Minus 5 (indie), Marianne Faithfull (alternative rock), and Isis (metal).

In other extracurricular activities, I'm going to start compiling the Daily Gazette on Monday nights instead of Tuesdays (in part because my radio show is on Tuesdays now, in part because I need to get more sleep on Tuesdays). Anyway, that means that the Tuesday weather jokes will be mine, not the Wednesday ones. Just so you know, Mom.

Back to reading for English.

I have officially ordered my tickets to London. Therefore, I am officially going to London over spring break! Yay!

Back to work now.

My throat is kind of scratchy and sore. I'm achy. I have a bit of a runny nose. I am, however, NOT GETTING SICK. No. No way am I going to catch what a good third of the campus has. Grr to illness!

The lyrics of this song don't do its catchiness justice, I think.

Don't fall in love with me yet
We only recently met
True I'm in love with you but
You might decide I'm a nut
Give me a week or two to
Go absolutley cuckoo
Then, when you see your error,
Then you can flee in terror
Like everybody else does
I only tell you this cause
I'm easy to get rid of
But not if you fall in love
Know now that I'm on the make
And if you make a mistake
My heart will certainly break
I'll have to jump in a lake
And all my friends will blame you
There's no telling what they'll do
It's only fair to tell you
I'm absolutely cuckoo

- The Magnetic Fields, "Absolutely Cuckoo"

So, right now is the inaugural use of my wireless card. And it works. Woot! This will, I'm sure, come in handy eventually. Right now, it's just cool.

Invader Zim watching tonight, lots of work tomorrow. Excitement.

I have my radio show time: Tuesday nights, 10 pm to midnight, Eastern time. Broadcasting starts this week. And now I have my computer with all my music again, which makes me happy.

Time to actually be productive.

I just got back from a run... So nice to run outside. It warmed up enough today that I didn't have to worry about ice too much. Of course, I got careless at the end of the run -- I didn't hit any ice, but I did manage to slightly turn my ankle in a pothole. Nothing too bad -- it feels fine already. Just a hurt pride and grime on my pretty, previously clean shoes. Oh well -- they're just running shoes; I don't wear them for anything but exercise.

The run was very short -- 10 minutes. All my runs are short -- I really don't have that much endurance yet. But at least it was a full-out run, not a slow jog. I've really started to enjoy running a lot this past year. Before, in track, when I had to run, I didn't like it as much. But now, there's something really appealing about it. Part of it is probably that it's no longer mandatory. I don't run every day, I don't even run every week. But when I want to, I can, and I enjoy it. There's something really great about stepping out into the cold air, feeling a chill, and then running until your practically overheated. You run through the aching, the haggard breathing, until you reach a rhythm and the momentum just keeps you going. I don't need to think about anything, I just focus on my feet hitting the ground, my breathe going in and out. It's really wonderful... I'm hoping the weather stays decent so I can keep this up. Running outside, in the evening is great -- running in the afternoon on the indoor track is not so fun.

The Europe trip is a go -- we're ordering our tickets tomorrow. There will be 5 of us -- me, Kyle, Greg, Alex, and Emily. A good group. This should be a lot of fun.

Things that make a bad day better: 1) pizza and 2) a wonderful, caring boyfriend who cheers you up.

Today was bad. I overslept, but luckily made it to class on time anyway. English class was fine, I turned in my RA app and such afterwards, then tried to get some more work done before my next class. I sort of succeeded. Mythology was okay, except for the horrible guilt I feel for being behind. I think that all hope is lost for actually reading the rest of the Iliad at this point. I'll do some serious skimming or *cringe* find a summary somewhere. I will read the last book though. And then I'll start the Odyssey... And I'll be damned if I let myself get as far behind in that. Anyway, so mythology was fine except for the guilt and the inability to participate in discussion. Next was lunch, then doing more work. I'm almost caught up in philosophy. I should be able to finish Fear and Trembling tonight, and then get some of the other stuff done tomorrow before class. I could/should go to yoga, but it's not happening. I want to, but I'm not doing it for credit, and I should spend the time doing work for my real classes. Besides, I'm doing some yoga in acting as it is. Anyway. Back to the rest of my day... Some philosophy reading, a nap, a conference with my English prof about which paper option I'm doing (2 for the semester, one shortish, one longish), more work, then acting. Acting was pretty good -- nothing too intense, thankfully. Though we have to start working on stuff outside of class. She gave us scenes from A Streetcar Named Desire, assigned us roles and partners, and we have to work on them. So that will be taking up a portion of my Saturday. After acting was choir. I think I'm going to have to drop it. By the end of Wednesdays, I'm too dead tired to concentrate. The piece we're doing (Bach's Mass in B Minor) is hard, and it becomes even harder because I'm singing 2nd soprano. The notes are easier to hit, yeah, but so much harder to find with the 1sts overpowering you. As it was, rehearsal felt like torture today. I just wanted to leave and get dinner. By the time we got out, it was too late for me to use my meal credit at Essie Mae's... So I ended up collapsing in Mertz and getting a pizza and a shoulder to cry on.

Tomorrow I'll look into dropping choir -- then Wednesdays will just be long, rather than hellish. Which is most definitely an improvement.

Reading now, then sleep.

A quote from my philosophy reading-- Kierkegaard's Either/Or, the section called "Equilibrium" (written from the point of view of an ethicist to an aesthete) -- that I really like: "But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all."

Tonight rocked so very, very much.

We got into Philly with no problem, grabbed some pizza on South Street, and then stood in line, listening to silly indie kids gab while snuggling up to Kyle to stay warm. This waiting in the cold paid off -- we were within 10 feet of the stage, possibly closer. Then the show itself -- 2 opening bands: Final Fantasy and Man Man. Then The Arcade Fire. The show was phenomenal. Each and every one of the bands kicked ass. Final Fantasy was actually just one guy, Owen, with a violin and a loop peddle. You would not believe the music you can create with just those 2 items. I bought his CD and am listening to it now, and it's very, very good. Man Man was crazy. Part performance art, part rock band. All insanity. I can't even really describe it -- it's definitely something that had to be seen to fully comprehend. Or at least to begin to comprehend -- I don't know if anyone could fully comprehend. And then The Arcade Fire. Oh. My. God. SO GOOD! Amazing music, really great stage presence, etc. Just all around good stuff. Quite possibly the best concert I've attended. The only complaint I have -- indie kids need to learn to dance. Man Man was the most driving, rhythmic thing ever, and almost no one was moving. For shame, hipsters.

Time for sleep now -- There's still work I should do (I chose to hang out after the concert instead of doing my reading, imagine that), but I think I'll sleep first, then get up in the morning and confront it.

Tim Burton is so cool... He's working on a new stop-motion animated film called The Corpse Bride. I've seen the trailer, and it looks interesting. It's apparently inspired by a Russian folktale, which can be read here. Kind of creepy, but interesting. And it has, of course, Johnny Depp as the main character. Leave it to Johnny Depp to be attractive even as a clay figurine.

Not only did Pitchfork review Chromeo's "Needy Girl", but they gave it FIVE STARS. Check it out... This is just so wrong.

My PDA is dying. The battery won't hold a charge at all. I could possibly get a new battery (I've found one for around $30), but I'm not sure if I will. I've been using it less and less... I've been keeping track of my activities in iCal, putting my to-do lists in Stickies, and my contact info in my computer's address book. Everything has been backed up onto my memory card, so I can transfer my lists of movies, music, and books onto my computer when I get my USB device. Still, having it die is kind of sad.

So I'm still behind in my reading, but I've gotten other stuff done, which makes me feel better. I'm also ungodly happy in general. I've had a good weekend, and I think that more good weeks and weekends are in store.

I feel like it's possible that everything is too good to be true, but I find myself believing it anyway, just being happy and not really worrying much. That, for me, is a huge, huge thing. Because I worry a lot, about little stuff, big stuff, silly stuff. But right now, I'm very much "La! Life is good!"... And that rocks.

I'm being productive, but I'm not doing my work... So far I've written thank you notes to my hosts for my externship, worked on filling out stuff for my major application/sophomore paper, worked on my RA application, printed out some reading for mythology, and ordered a USB device for my memory card. All very useful things that I need to get done, but none of them are the reading I need to do. Bah.

I guess it's better than sleeping, at least.

I had a fantastic night... Hung out with Kyle, which was really fun, and went to see Asobi Seksu and The Walkmen... Both were really great.

Today: Catch up with work, do my RA app, and finish WSRN reviews.
Tonight: Go to a birthday party.
Sunday: More work, WSRN meeting.
Monday: Class, The Arcade Fire concert!

The WSRN meeting is tomorrow evening, which means that apps will be due sometime this week or so... So I should know when my show is sometime in the next few weeks, and I'm guessing broadcasting will start around mid-February.

Time for brunch. Yum.

Oh, and They Might Be Giants will be playing here sometime in February, too. So that's pretty cool as well.

Time to get ready for the day.

Olde Club, after having almost no concerts last semester, has proved their merit once more: The Walkmen are playing on Friday night. So I've got The Walkmen on Friday and The Arcade Fire on Monday. Wonderful!

My arms feel better today, but my shin splints have been acting up. Okay, I can deal with that. But then I go to acting, and we do a lot of physical exercises and such, including some jumping. Result? So. Much. PAIN. Owie.

Last night was long, and despite my best efforts, I managed to screw up the plain text version of the Gazette. Bah. After next week, I'm going to try to switch to compiling on Monday nights -- I need to get more sleep on Tuesday nights to be fully functional for my hellish Wednesdays.

The whole grabbing a snack after acting (which gets out at 6:40 pm) and then going to choir and getting dinner after 9 pm worked reasonably well, though my stomach was definitely making funny noises for the last bit of choir.

Time for some Kierkegaard reading... Which, I have discovered, is great fun with a soundtrack of NIN.

I went to the gym and lifted some yesterday. Today I ran a little bit. My body hates me, especially my upper arms. It hurts to put my coat on, which is just sad. But I am proud of getting exercise.

Today was rather blah, with occasional high points and a couple of low points. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but instead I get to write a Gazette article about a less than stellar poetry reading, then compile the entire Gazette. Woot. And tomorrow will be my hell day, with the added joy of me needing to read 100 pages of Kierkegaard sometime before Thursday afternoon. And I'm also behind on my Iliad reading, but I should be able to catch up for Friday. I'll try to deal with my passport on Friday afternoon, I think... We'll see if that works out.

Good news: The Arcade Fire concert is on Monday. That will rock.

Time to work. Oh so much fun shall be had tonight.

I am possibly/most likely going to Europe with a group of friends during spring break. Excitement.

This weekend was great. I actually did get a decent amount of work done, and I also did a decent amount of hanging out. Now, though, comes a busy, busy week. At least it's busy with interesting stuff.

There is a great deal of snow out there... I can't really tell how much -- I'd say at least 6 inches, but it's hard to tell. The current weather forecast? "Heavy snow showers and freezing fog." Freezing fog. That concept is just bizarre, and heading up to campus for dinner is looking less and less fun... Though the snow is pretty, and walking in it will be fun, it will also be cold. Brrr.

It's snowing. Little flakes, but many of them, and apparently for awhile now. We may end up with a foot or so, I'm not entirely sure... And I'm hiding out in my dorm room until dinner at least. My breakfast was a granola bar, my lunch will be cheese and crackers. Woot.

Some of my friends are thinking of going to London for spring break. This notion sounds very, very tempting. I shall have to ponder it, as well as get my passport renewed.

Time for work.

So apparently I have "methods". And apparently they're something akin to "seek and destroy"... Which basically means if I set my sights on someone, I will win them over, or something like that. I'm not too sure about the analogy. At first I was a little taken aback by it, but the more I think about it, the funnier it is.

Things have been mostly sorted out and resolved, though it's still going to a bit odd for awhile, I think. But there's really nothing that can be done about it. Better odd than bad.

I really, really want to go running right now. But it's really cold outside, I don't like running on the indoor track, and I have work I need to do. But I also can't seem to focus very well. *sigh*

The first part of today was good... Yoga, philosophy, hanging out. Mixed emotions and confusion are becoming the norm, but I suppose that's how it goes.

Mythology and English reading calls now.

Dude. Because it's not like my emotions weren't confused or mixed up or anything before. Not at all.

Other info I forgot to share earlier: I went to my externship in California last week, and it was great. Really cool people, pretty interesting work, nice hosts. Editing may be in my future. I'm hoping to work at the library this summer and compare it with that, try and figure out what I want to do with my future. We'll see what happens.

I finished the scarf I was knitting. It's actually quite nice. *grins proudly*

My first day of classes went really well... Nothing too exciting, though I was surprised at how big my English class was... Almost 40 people, I think. Madness for a class here.

My schedule:

Monday
Modern British Poetry: 9:30-10:20 am
Classical Mythology: 11:30 am-12:20 pm
Acting I: 1-4 pm
Daily Gazette meeting: 5:30 pm

Tuesday
Yoga: 9-10:20 am
Existentialism: 1:15-2:30 pm

Wednesday
Modern British Poetry: 9:30-10:20 am
Classical Mythology: 11:30 am-12:20 pm
Acting I: 4:10-6:40 pm
Choir: 7:15-9:45 pm

Thursday
Yoga: 9-10:20 am
Existentialism: 1:15-2:30 pm

Friday
Modern British Poetry: 9:30-10:20 am
Classical Mythology: 11:30 am-12:20 pm

All in all, should be a good semester I think... Though Monday lunch will be a bit fast, as will Wednesday dinners. Oh well.

Whenever I come home anymore I seem to lose all ability to be productive. At school I'm forced to be productive, but at home, that requirement mostly slips away. So I sleep a lot, maybe read some stuff (but nothing too serious or intellectual), play on the computer a lot. I always have lists of things that I should be doing -- exercising, cleaning my room, whatever. And I never seem to do any of them, or at least not for long. And then I always feel guilty. This break the main productive thing I've been doing is knitting... But I tend to do that when I loaf around and watch TV, so it's more of a way to fend off the guilt of being productive than being truly productive. My loafing productivity has yielded about half a scarf right now -- 2 feet of knitted dark green yarn. That's what I have to show for this break, plus 9 or so Lemony Snicket books read, a few movies watched, and the beginnings of some CD reviews for WSRN. That's all.

Maybe I'd feel better if I was being social instead of being productive, but I'm not. I've seen a few friends one or twice, gone to one party. That's all. I'm horrible about calling people up -- I find it very easy to sit and do nothing at home. And no one has been calling me. So I sit at home and knit. That's why I miss school so much -- yeah, I often sit around and do nothing, but it's harder. There are at least people around that I talk to on a fairly regular basis. Usually when I'm at home I see Saka a few times, but he was out of town for most of the time, and now he has school and play rehearsal. So I sit, talk to some people online, and that's all.

I wish I was being productive or social, or heaven forbid, both. I want so much to do so many things. I want to achieve great things, to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. But so often I do nothing, just sit and talk or write about what I'd like to do... So often I just sit and daydream instead of doing. And part of that angers and frustrates me, but part of me feels safe because of my inaction. IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU CAN'T FAIL. You can't succeed, either, I know. But you didn't try and fall flat on your face. I fear doing that. I think I may fear that more than anything else. I dream so big, and I want to achieve so much, but part of me is sure I can't do it, so I don't even try. I hide.

It frustrates me so much that I hide, and yet I can't quite seem to get beyond it. I see myself doing it, and I don't change anything. Nothing.

On a completely unrelated note, did anyone see the Earthsea miniseries last month and want to summarize the last hour or so for me? The VCR apparently failed to cooperate, and all was lost just about when the girl was locked away and Ged discovered the truth about his necklace. So someone, do tell.

Living on in my dreams...

It's so much easier to bite your tounge and (pretend) to be patient online instead of in person. Yay.

The scarf I'm knitting is about a foot long now. Yay productivity.

Also yay for Arcade Fire, who I shall be seeing on January 31st. It should be a good show.

Time for bed now, or at least moving in that direction.

Happy New Year!

Things to note:

I love my new computer. It's quiet, well-designed, and just great. Woohoo.
I have lost any semblance of a normal schedule. I stayed up until 4 am last night and woke up around 1:30 pm. I'll need to get on a regular schedule before my externship, or I'll be screwed.
I'm bored. I want to be productive, but I'm too lazy to really do anything.

Ways to know you have a fairly serious crush:

You want to know as much about them as possible.
You get online just so you can (hopefully) talk to them.

It's pathetic. I feel like I'm in middle school or something, not a sophmore in college. I'm going to go do something worthwhile now, like clean my room.

My new computer rocks. It came today, and I'm already very much in love with it -- the conversion from PC user to Mac owner was quite easy. The design of the iBook is awesome -- there are all these little things (like the power cord's little prongs to make wrapping the cord easier, and the rounded corners, etc) that are just very nice and well thought out. So yes. Yay for my new computer!

No New Year's Eve plans for me -- I lead such an exciting life.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Christmas went well this year -- all of my immediate family was home, which was nice, and most of my extended family came as well.

My major Christmas present was also the last-minute one: a new computer. The latest estimate to fix my computer was $649 or something around that... So we just went with a new (well, technically refurbished) iBook instead. Woohoo. The pretty 14 -inch iBook shall be mine... Probably sometimes next week. And this time, I got the extended warranty. Let it not be said that I don't learn from my mistakes.

Other than that, not much to say. Yay for lazy days and games with family.

The latest problem with my computer: the modem doesn't seem to be working. So not internet for me, at least not with my laptop. Rar.

Other than that and the possible flu I'm dealing with, all is well. The new puppy is very cute, the other animals are good, I'm learning how to knit, and hanging out with friends and family is great. Yay break!

I am done. It's a fantastic feeling. All in all, my finals went pretty well. I think I did okay on my religion final today, and I got my last paper back when I was done, and I did very well on it... So that should cancel out any less than stellar portions of the exam. At this point, I don't really care... Because I'm done!

My main task now is to pack and do the various random chores associated with leaving. Nothing too major.

Tomorrow, I get up far too early, fly into St. Louis, do some shopping, and then go home to the fuzzy creatures, including the new puppy. It should be a good day.

Yesterday evening's focus was video games... I watched some people play Mario Kart in the Pit, then I played some Dead or Alive 2 with them, then I went over to Mertz and played Soul Calibur II with Rob and Kyle, then played some Smash Brothers with them and others (I really don't like that game -- it gives me a headache... Too much stuff on the screen...), then finished the night off with a little more SCII. All in all, a fun evening.

I also got 4 CDs from one of the rock directors to listen to and review over break... I've given them all a listen, and they're all pretty good.

I'm taking a short break from studying for religion... The studying is going okay, but definately not as fun as gaming. On that note, I'm not letting myself anywhere near a video game console today. Tomorrow, after my final, I will, but until then, no.

I'm going home on Saturday, going to Beaux Arts on Sunday, and then being lazy for a long time after that!

And I'm done with my paper, with 25 minutes to go on the debate. Heck yeah.

I should now spend the rest of my day studying for religion. Anyone want to place any bets on me actually doing it? If so, please never go to a casino or the races. I'd hate to see you lose all your money.

I'm working on my revision of my theatre midterm paper right now... Such fun. It's not very hard, but it's also not all that interesting. And it's also annoying to be talking about the presidential debates after Bush's win, when Kerry dominated the debates. Bah.

The first debate is playing on mute (partly by default, my computer still does not make any noise) in the background so I can study their mannerisms and such. It would rock if I got the revision done before the debate was over. 1 hour, 30 minutes long debate, and I'm about 14 minutes into it. I should be able to do this.

Back to work I go, whee.

Today I reached new heights in laziness... I stayed in bed for a very, very long time, then wandered up to campus for dinner, and then went over to Mertz where I hung out with Rob and played Soul Calibur II for a very long time. Definately not a productive day, but a very nice one.

Despite not getting the library internship, I'm considering just staying here over the summer and working at the library. Rob will be here over the summer doing research, and it would be great to hang out with him all summer.

Finally heard back about the library internship... And I didn't get it. I'll probably try again next year.

Winter break will now be spent looking into summer abroad programs and other internships. Whee.

On a happier note, I just got up. Yay for uber-lazy days!

I wrote two papers today with minimum amounts of procrastination. I froze my butt off around midnight to look for the Geminids and was rewarded with the sight of one shooting star (it was pretty). All in all, a very productive day. I will make up for this by doing next to nothing tomorrow.

Time for sleep now, without setting my alarm clock. Oh, the luxury.

So, almost 3 months later, another breakup. This one was handled much better, and it was basically a mutual decision. We're going to stay friends -- and this time, that's 100% true. So yeah... I'm doing surprisingly well, actually.

Time to go play some WEBoggle, my latest addiction. Word games = my weakness.

I didn't get the rock director position, which really came as no surprise to me. It was also the nicest rejection letter I've ever recieved, so that's cool.

Now I can focus all my anxiety on finals and the library internship, which I STILL haven't heard back from. Arg.

I finally got to sleep around 5 am. Such fun.

I can't sleep at all. It's annoying... I'm tired, but not sleepy. My first real bout of insomnia, it seems. Something I really never have to deal with... I usually have trouble staying awake rather than getting to sleep. But I can't get comfortable, I can't relax... I just can't sleep. I want to watch TV until my mind glazes over and I zonk out on the couch, but amazingly enough, there are people awake and watching a movie at this hour. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Gah. This is very, very, frustrating.

In theory, I could start working on my papers for English and theatre... But I don't want to. I just want to sleep. Why won't my body cooperate?

I'm done with my CS final... Yay! I think it went okay. Now I just have 2 papers to write, a revision of a paper to write, and my religion final. It shouldn't be too bad.

Time to crash now.

Without classes, I am super lazy. Case in point: I set my alarm for 10:30 today. I woke up at 9:30, checked my email, then went back to bed, setting the alarm for 11. When it went off, I got up and read webcomics for a long time. It is now almost 1. I have done nothing productive at all. I'm going to change that by going for a run. Then maybe I'll actually do some studying.

Rock director interview on Saturday. I'm actually going against two people, but I'm only really concerned about the one I mentioned a few days ago. Anyway, there's always next semester if I don't get it this time.

Running time.

Thefacebook.com: guaranteeing me more "Happy birthday"s than ever before.

Tonight was my last radio show of the semester. *tear* It went fairly well, despite some technical mishaps and numerous phone calls to be dealt with.

Playlist:

Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten
* TV on the Radio - Modern Romance
* Shark Quest - Katherine of Krakow
* Matt Pond PA - Lily Two
* Death from Above 1979 - Romantic Rights
Emiliana Torrini - Tuna Fish
Jimmy Eat World - Table for Glasses
? - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
* A.C. Newman - Come Crash
* The Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #3 (Tower Out)
* Friends Like These - What Emily Says
Wilco - Kamera
* Menomena - The Strongest Man in the World
* The Reputation - Bottle Rocket Battles
MC Honky - The Object
* The Washdown - Ladies and Gentlemen
Blur - Beetlebum
* Regina Spektor - Carbon Monoxide
Tori Amos - Precious Things
* Elliot Smith - King's Crossing
Guster - Two Points for Honesty
* The High Water Marks - Have Another Dream
* Moving Units - Between Us and Them
* Autolux - Turnstile Blues
* Interpol - Evil
Weezer - Only in Dreams

I found out who I'm competing against for the rock director position. I don't think I'm going to get it now -- he's done many more reviews than I have, seems to be more knowledgeable of the indie scene, and is also a year older. Though I'm not very upset about it -- I've read the reviews he's written, and he'd make a great rock director. Also, another spot will be opening up next year; I may try again then. We'll see what happens with the interview later this week.

Still no word on the library internship. Arg. I want to know!

Tomorrow is my 20th birthday. Eep. I feel oddly old and yet still very, very young.

So we sang Beethoven's 9th Symphony last night. The orchestra did an amazing job, and the choir did pretty well too. It was fun.

The last bit of Beethoven's 9th is like a humming bird on speed. Good lord it's fast!

It is rainy and yucky outside. Blech.

A quiz, because I haven't posted one for awhile, and I came across this one:


Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose. You are a
mystery novel dealing with theology, especially
with catholic vs liberal issues. You search
wisdom and knowledge endlessly, feeling that
learning is essential in life.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I now feel I should read this book.

Time for yoga now.